Da Vinci Code, talkback, dan brown
Reverber8: Welcome to tonight’s edition of Talkback. As you know, Talkback is committed to creating an environment conducive to healthy and well-rounded debate. As long as someone draws blood, that is. Today, we have author Dan Brown whose controversial novel The Da Vinci Code has inspired a major motion picture which opens this week in theatres worldwide. Mr Brown, welcome to the show.
DB: Thank you. Who are those people over there?
Rv8: The Religious Right. They’re my other guests tonight.
RR (singing impressively in 4-part harmony): STAND UP, STAND UP FOR JESUS, YE SOLDIERS OF THE CROSS…
DB: There’s a lot of them.
Rv8: You should see outside. They’ve got a big tent, a band, fire-and-brimstone preachers, portable toilets and everything.
DB: Well, as long as they’re here to engage in a calm and rational discussion…
RR: THE ABOMINATION THAT CREATES DESOLATION HAS APPEARED! THE APOCALYPSE WILL SHORTLY BEGIN! THE TIME OF TRIBULATION IS AT HAND!
Rv8: This is going to be so good.
DB: Look, I don’t think this is such a good idea. That man is burning what appears to be an effigy of me.
Rv8: Nonsense! Anyway, the chain-link fence will keep them at bay. We’re quite safe here.
DB: That fence has a gate. Why is there a gate?
Rv8: In case things start to get dull. Anyway, don’t worry too much about them, they’re just for theatrical effect. Your main opponent tonight is Dr Francis X Fung who represents Opus Dei (Southeast Asia).
FXF: Peace be with You. (To DB) No, not You.
Rv8: Dr Fung, in The Da Vinci Code, Opus Dei is presented as a creepy bunch of religious nuts who go around killing the enemies of the faith and have fulfilling solo sex lives with creepy and painful looking instruments. How would you respond to this?
FXF: That is a Malicious Lie propagated by sinful Minds that Seek to undermine the Faith of Followers of Christ. It is an Evil, a personal Affront against the Divine Person of Jesus Christ and to the Millions of Faithful throughout the World.
DB: Wow. How do you do that trick with all the capital letters?
Rv8: I think it’s got to do with the vowels and the imperiously curled upper lip.
DB: Let me try. The quick bRoWn FOx jumps oVEr tHe laZy doG. How’s that sound?
Rv8: Like you’re constipated. Maybe if you made it more nasal…
FXF: We are not Amused.
Rv8: OK, so what is the truth about Opus Dei?
FXF: For a Start, Opus Dei is not an Order of Monks. Our Members are drawn from all Walks of Life. We are Committed to Faithful Adherence to Catholic Doctrine, to the Teachings of the Church, and to Holy Living.
Rv8: So there are no creepy-looking albino monks who engage in S & M and who go around slitting the throats of infidels.
FXF: Most certainly not. Killing is a Sin. Corporal Mortification is encouraged in Moderation for its spiritual Benefits, to enable one to resist the Inclination to sin.
DB: So are you wearing one yourself?
FXF: Wearing what?
DB: A cilice. You know, the angry piece of metal that goes around the thigh that you tighten when you’ve been bad, or when you look just a second too long at the altar-boy…
FXF: I refuse to dignify that Question with a Response.
Rv8: You are, aren’t you?
DB: So have you been a bad boy? A REALLY bad boy? Ooh, I feel guilty, ratchet me up a notch…
FXF: Stop it!
RR (singing): MINE EYES HAVE SEEN THE GLORY OF THE COMING OF THE LORD, HE IS TREADING OUT THE WINEPRESS WHERE THE GRAPES OF WRATH ARE STORED…
FXF: Can you get them to Shut Up?
Rv8: Why? They’re in tune.
RR (singing): GLORY, GLORY, HALLELUJAH…
(The Religious Right are rattling the chain-link fence. They are quite frightening.)
DB: What are you doing?
FXF: Get away from that Gate.
Rv8: I’m sorry gentlemen. I can’t help it. It’s my nature.
(Reverber8 opens the gate. The Religious Right stream through. They look like sharks in a feeding frenzy. They trample over anything and everything in sight. They stampede through the studio and out the back to the big tent where they are served biscuits and orange cordial. All the other participants lie on the floor of the destroyed studio in various postures of the newly-trampled.)
DB: You bloody idiot. Is that enough corporal mortification for you?
FXF: Oh Shut Up.
Rv8: I knew this was going to be good.
DB: Thank you. Who are those people over there?
Rv8: The Religious Right. They’re my other guests tonight.
RR (singing impressively in 4-part harmony): STAND UP, STAND UP FOR JESUS, YE SOLDIERS OF THE CROSS…
DB: There’s a lot of them.
Rv8: You should see outside. They’ve got a big tent, a band, fire-and-brimstone preachers, portable toilets and everything.
DB: Well, as long as they’re here to engage in a calm and rational discussion…
RR: THE ABOMINATION THAT CREATES DESOLATION HAS APPEARED! THE APOCALYPSE WILL SHORTLY BEGIN! THE TIME OF TRIBULATION IS AT HAND!
Rv8: This is going to be so good.
DB: Look, I don’t think this is such a good idea. That man is burning what appears to be an effigy of me.
Rv8: Nonsense! Anyway, the chain-link fence will keep them at bay. We’re quite safe here.
DB: That fence has a gate. Why is there a gate?
Rv8: In case things start to get dull. Anyway, don’t worry too much about them, they’re just for theatrical effect. Your main opponent tonight is Dr Francis X Fung who represents Opus Dei (Southeast Asia).
FXF: Peace be with You. (To DB) No, not You.
Rv8: Dr Fung, in The Da Vinci Code, Opus Dei is presented as a creepy bunch of religious nuts who go around killing the enemies of the faith and have fulfilling solo sex lives with creepy and painful looking instruments. How would you respond to this?
FXF: That is a Malicious Lie propagated by sinful Minds that Seek to undermine the Faith of Followers of Christ. It is an Evil, a personal Affront against the Divine Person of Jesus Christ and to the Millions of Faithful throughout the World.
DB: Wow. How do you do that trick with all the capital letters?
Rv8: I think it’s got to do with the vowels and the imperiously curled upper lip.
DB: Let me try. The quick bRoWn FOx jumps oVEr tHe laZy doG. How’s that sound?
Rv8: Like you’re constipated. Maybe if you made it more nasal…
FXF: We are not Amused.
Rv8: OK, so what is the truth about Opus Dei?
FXF: For a Start, Opus Dei is not an Order of Monks. Our Members are drawn from all Walks of Life. We are Committed to Faithful Adherence to Catholic Doctrine, to the Teachings of the Church, and to Holy Living.
Rv8: So there are no creepy-looking albino monks who engage in S & M and who go around slitting the throats of infidels.
FXF: Most certainly not. Killing is a Sin. Corporal Mortification is encouraged in Moderation for its spiritual Benefits, to enable one to resist the Inclination to sin.
DB: So are you wearing one yourself?
FXF: Wearing what?
DB: A cilice. You know, the angry piece of metal that goes around the thigh that you tighten when you’ve been bad, or when you look just a second too long at the altar-boy…
FXF: I refuse to dignify that Question with a Response.
Rv8: You are, aren’t you?
DB: So have you been a bad boy? A REALLY bad boy? Ooh, I feel guilty, ratchet me up a notch…
FXF: Stop it!
RR (singing): MINE EYES HAVE SEEN THE GLORY OF THE COMING OF THE LORD, HE IS TREADING OUT THE WINEPRESS WHERE THE GRAPES OF WRATH ARE STORED…
FXF: Can you get them to Shut Up?
Rv8: Why? They’re in tune.
RR (singing): GLORY, GLORY, HALLELUJAH…
(The Religious Right are rattling the chain-link fence. They are quite frightening.)
DB: What are you doing?
FXF: Get away from that Gate.
Rv8: I’m sorry gentlemen. I can’t help it. It’s my nature.
(Reverber8 opens the gate. The Religious Right stream through. They look like sharks in a feeding frenzy. They trample over anything and everything in sight. They stampede through the studio and out the back to the big tent where they are served biscuits and orange cordial. All the other participants lie on the floor of the destroyed studio in various postures of the newly-trampled.)
DB: You bloody idiot. Is that enough corporal mortification for you?
FXF: Oh Shut Up.
Rv8: I knew this was going to be good.