Talkback: Sarawak State Elections
Reverber8: Good evening and welcome to another episode of Talkback, the talk show in which we meet the movers and shakers of the world and debate the important issues of our time. At least, that’s what we tell them to lure them here. Little do they know that this is actually a form of Celebrity Deathmatch. Forget the Libyan revolt, see Ghaddaffi battle it out with Kim Jong Il right here in our studio in our new reality show, “So You Think you Can Dictate”.
Rv8: Today, we’re in sunny Malaysia, where politics today enact like a B-grade murder-mystery. Fresh from supporting the recent state elections in the resource-rich state of Sarawak, where the ruling Barisan Nasional (BN) once again trumped the Opposition to form a government, we have the Prime Minister of Malaysia, Mr Najib Tun Razak.
Najib: Thank you Mr Reverber8. I would just like to say, with pride, that the Malaysian people have spoken loud and clear in favour of BN and OneMalaysia. This simply goes to show that that devious, creeping bunch of derelicts we call the Opposition simply have no support here. MERDEKA! MERDEKA! MERDE…
Rv8: Yes Mr Prime Minister, that will do, let’s save it for National Day, shall we? Also in the studio, we have your esteemed predecessor, the ex-Prime Minister of Malaysia, Dr Mahathir. Welcome back to the show Dr Mahathir.
Dr M: Ah ah ah, don’t forget the Mohammad. Dr Mahathir Mohammad. It’s really important to use my full name.
Rv8: I’m sorry, let me rephrase. Dr Mahathir Mohammad.
Dr M: Emphasis on Mohammad, ya? MO-HA-MMAD. Just so you know. Hey, I’m Malay. Say what? Malay. Yay.
Rv8: Um, okay.
Dr M: I love being Malay. Sometimes I say it just for the heck of it. “So how are you today?” “I’m Malay!” “What’s your opinion on the state of the economy?” “Yeah man, I’m Malay. Dig it!”
Rv8: Right.
Najib: Please don’t put us together in the same dressing room again.
Rv8: Well Mr Prime Minister, perhaps you’d like to share it with this man instead - Mr Anwar Ibrahim, leader of the opposition party PKR and, as he would say, victim of innumerous government plots. Mr Ibrahim, in the name of civilised politics, perhaps you could extend a warm greeting to your former colleagues while…
Anwar: Hello, you bloodsucking scumbags.
Rv8: Oh this is going to be good.
Anwar: I hope you guys are happy. REALLY happy. I hope you enjoy basking in the glory of cheap adulation from the hordes of your scampering datuk-datuk henchmen. Well, enjoy it while it lasts, ‘cos I’m going to kick you in the collective ASS.
Dr M: Oho, funny that you should talk about backsides. How’s life as the bottom? I mean, AT the bottom. Ahahaha.
Najib: Oh that’s good.
Anwar: Ya ya ya, giggle like hyenas, you brood of vultures. Everyone knows how you cooked up those lies to ensure my downfall. I hope you develop severe body odour, the two of you.
Najib: Well, do be reasonable Anwar. After all, isn’t a nice change to be charged with immoral conduct with a woman for a change? (Titters)
Anwar: Ya you should talk, fatface. Why don’t you go do something useful for once, like blow someone else up with grenades.
Najib: That’s slander and lies and completely unfounded and, like, really mean. My face is not fat.
Dr M: You really should try my new diet. Every time I get hungry, instead of eating, I get an enema. Does wonders for the complexion.
Anwar: Your Indian-Malay complexion?
Dr M: I’m Malay!
Rv8: So sorry to break up this fascinating discussion, but I’d like to ask some questions. Mr Najib, you were recently in Sarawak to help BN campaign for the state elections. The ruling party was returned to government with a two-thirds majority, but with a reduced number of seats over the past 2 elections. Do you see this as a worrying trend, this increased support for the opposition in a state that was once taken for granted?
Najib: Firstly, let me say this, that we never take any state for granted. Except for those knobheads up in Kelantan that is, who like chopping off criminals’ hands and stoning women.
Anwar: You mean instead of blowing them up?
Najib: Yeah whatever, I’m so ignoring you. Anyway, the opposition threw everything they had at us, but clearly the voters have declared their faith in BN by returning us to government. I see no worrying trends at all - we had a clear and decisive victory. Of course, some of our more desperate critics might try to frame this as a victory for the opposition, this miserable clutch of disgruntled miscreants. Well POO ON YOU, we got the two-thirds, we got the two-thirds, yeah uh huh uh huh. You want change? Well honey we can CHANGE THE LAW, we can CHANGE THE CONSTITUTION uh huh, and there’s nothin’ you can do about it. Nyeh!
Rv8: Mr Anwar, perhaps you might respond to…
Najib: My esteemed opponent seems to have delusions of grandeur. He is a turd. A fat-faced turd. He and his smug, over-decorated underlings have made a mockery of the democratic process. Decisive victory, my over-exposed ASS. If the true voice of the rakyat were to be truly expressed, we’d have won by a landslide. This only goes to show how DESPERATE this ruling party is to resort to such lowbrow methods. I spit on you and your dirty politics!
Dr M: Personally, I prefer enemas.
Rv8, Anwar & Najib:
Rv8: I beg your pardon?
Dr M: It’s a well-known fact that professionally-administered enemas are an excellent method of losing weight. I prefer coffee enemas, personally. Nothing like a shot of caffeine up the bum to start your day!
Rv8: Um, Dr Mahathir Mohammad. We were talking about the election.
Dr M: Well, yes of course, sometimes I do get one.
Najib: Get one what?
Dr M: You know. It’s perfectly normal during an enema procedure, the specialist said. Apparently it’s got to do with the stimulation of the prostate…
Anwar: Oh you stupid, stupid man. E-LEC-TION. With an ‘L’.
Rv8: That is officially the most disturbing statement we’ve ever captured on camera in this studio. I feel sick.
Najib: I so regret drinking that espresso just now.
Anwar: Anyway, coffee does nothing for me. Fruits are more my style.
Rv8: AND ANYHOW thank you gentlemen for being on the show, you’ve given me enough imagery today for a lifetime of nightmares. Tune in next time, when we invite all the recently-deposed leaders of the middle east for a group therapy session entitled: “Coping with Loss: Life After Dictatorship”. Goodnight!
Rv8: Today, we’re in sunny Malaysia, where politics today enact like a B-grade murder-mystery. Fresh from supporting the recent state elections in the resource-rich state of Sarawak, where the ruling Barisan Nasional (BN) once again trumped the Opposition to form a government, we have the Prime Minister of Malaysia, Mr Najib Tun Razak.
Najib: Thank you Mr Reverber8. I would just like to say, with pride, that the Malaysian people have spoken loud and clear in favour of BN and OneMalaysia. This simply goes to show that that devious, creeping bunch of derelicts we call the Opposition simply have no support here. MERDEKA! MERDEKA! MERDE…
Rv8: Yes Mr Prime Minister, that will do, let’s save it for National Day, shall we? Also in the studio, we have your esteemed predecessor, the ex-Prime Minister of Malaysia, Dr Mahathir. Welcome back to the show Dr Mahathir.
Dr M: Ah ah ah, don’t forget the Mohammad. Dr Mahathir Mohammad. It’s really important to use my full name.
Rv8: I’m sorry, let me rephrase. Dr Mahathir Mohammad.
Dr M: Emphasis on Mohammad, ya? MO-HA-MMAD. Just so you know. Hey, I’m Malay. Say what? Malay. Yay.
Rv8: Um, okay.
Dr M: I love being Malay. Sometimes I say it just for the heck of it. “So how are you today?” “I’m Malay!” “What’s your opinion on the state of the economy?” “Yeah man, I’m Malay. Dig it!”
Rv8: Right.
Najib: Please don’t put us together in the same dressing room again.
Rv8: Well Mr Prime Minister, perhaps you’d like to share it with this man instead - Mr Anwar Ibrahim, leader of the opposition party PKR and, as he would say, victim of innumerous government plots. Mr Ibrahim, in the name of civilised politics, perhaps you could extend a warm greeting to your former colleagues while…
Anwar: Hello, you bloodsucking scumbags.
Rv8: Oh this is going to be good.
Anwar: I hope you guys are happy. REALLY happy. I hope you enjoy basking in the glory of cheap adulation from the hordes of your scampering datuk-datuk henchmen. Well, enjoy it while it lasts, ‘cos I’m going to kick you in the collective ASS.
Dr M: Oho, funny that you should talk about backsides. How’s life as the bottom? I mean, AT the bottom. Ahahaha.
Najib: Oh that’s good.
Anwar: Ya ya ya, giggle like hyenas, you brood of vultures. Everyone knows how you cooked up those lies to ensure my downfall. I hope you develop severe body odour, the two of you.
Najib: Well, do be reasonable Anwar. After all, isn’t a nice change to be charged with immoral conduct with a woman for a change? (Titters)
Anwar: Ya you should talk, fatface. Why don’t you go do something useful for once, like blow someone else up with grenades.
Najib: That’s slander and lies and completely unfounded and, like, really mean. My face is not fat.
Dr M: You really should try my new diet. Every time I get hungry, instead of eating, I get an enema. Does wonders for the complexion.
Anwar: Your Indian-Malay complexion?
Dr M: I’m Malay!
Rv8: So sorry to break up this fascinating discussion, but I’d like to ask some questions. Mr Najib, you were recently in Sarawak to help BN campaign for the state elections. The ruling party was returned to government with a two-thirds majority, but with a reduced number of seats over the past 2 elections. Do you see this as a worrying trend, this increased support for the opposition in a state that was once taken for granted?
Najib: Firstly, let me say this, that we never take any state for granted. Except for those knobheads up in Kelantan that is, who like chopping off criminals’ hands and stoning women.
Anwar: You mean instead of blowing them up?
Najib: Yeah whatever, I’m so ignoring you. Anyway, the opposition threw everything they had at us, but clearly the voters have declared their faith in BN by returning us to government. I see no worrying trends at all - we had a clear and decisive victory. Of course, some of our more desperate critics might try to frame this as a victory for the opposition, this miserable clutch of disgruntled miscreants. Well POO ON YOU, we got the two-thirds, we got the two-thirds, yeah uh huh uh huh. You want change? Well honey we can CHANGE THE LAW, we can CHANGE THE CONSTITUTION uh huh, and there’s nothin’ you can do about it. Nyeh!
Rv8: Mr Anwar, perhaps you might respond to…
Najib: My esteemed opponent seems to have delusions of grandeur. He is a turd. A fat-faced turd. He and his smug, over-decorated underlings have made a mockery of the democratic process. Decisive victory, my over-exposed ASS. If the true voice of the rakyat were to be truly expressed, we’d have won by a landslide. This only goes to show how DESPERATE this ruling party is to resort to such lowbrow methods. I spit on you and your dirty politics!
Dr M: Personally, I prefer enemas.
Rv8, Anwar & Najib:
Rv8: I beg your pardon?
Dr M: It’s a well-known fact that professionally-administered enemas are an excellent method of losing weight. I prefer coffee enemas, personally. Nothing like a shot of caffeine up the bum to start your day!
Rv8: Um, Dr Mahathir Mohammad. We were talking about the election.
Dr M: Well, yes of course, sometimes I do get one.
Najib: Get one what?
Dr M: You know. It’s perfectly normal during an enema procedure, the specialist said. Apparently it’s got to do with the stimulation of the prostate…
Anwar: Oh you stupid, stupid man. E-LEC-TION. With an ‘L’.
Rv8: That is officially the most disturbing statement we’ve ever captured on camera in this studio. I feel sick.
Najib: I so regret drinking that espresso just now.
Anwar: Anyway, coffee does nothing for me. Fruits are more my style.
Rv8: AND ANYHOW thank you gentlemen for being on the show, you’ve given me enough imagery today for a lifetime of nightmares. Tune in next time, when we invite all the recently-deposed leaders of the middle east for a group therapy session entitled: “Coping with Loss: Life After Dictatorship”. Goodnight!