(no subject)
after school today i went for a drive to washington's crossing with elizabeth. we brainstormed ideas about what her concentration for art should be. eventually we came up with "struggle". you can kind of express everything in your life that way. everything is an obstacle.
so i started to think about struggles in my life. there are so many things that get in my way every day that i don't even realize. getting up early, making food, picking out clothes, leaving the house on time, getting to school before the bell. from there i have to sit there, talk to people, pay attention, learn, fit in, deal with awkward situations, and stay awake.
when i finally leave school, which is the highlight of my day, i have to balance my people properly, please my parents, balance extracurriculars, balance all of the important people in my life- people who i dont see who i should, and please my friends. then to do all of these things i need gas money, a job, common sense skills, concentration so i don't crash my car.
there are my personal struggles: food, weight, conflicts, decisions, college choices, school work, learning/concentration, emotions, perception, and confidence. deciding is especially hard for me; it takes me forever to decide if i like a band, which book i want to read, how i should organize my jewelry box. concentration is hard for me as well. i can never seem to care about anything long enough to get anything done in a confined amount of time. it takes me forever to clean my room and write papers. its hard for me to get worked up to pitch cause it takes so much mental energy. i cant even concentrate on tv shows or movies.
i see my life as a constant struggle which is why i have trouble being optimistic. i've said this before and i'll say it again, its probably what i think about the most. life is getting scary now, especially with my own personal realizations. i know that i'm not particularly intelligent, i hate to work, and i don't know what i like to do. therefore, i'm kind of fucked. along these lines, so much of my life tends to contradict itself.
my lack of understanding is why i don't want to become pretentious. this is probably why i make fun of pretentious ass holes. because i'm sure they don't know half as much as they throw out there.
this light has gone on in the back of my head because i finally understand why i've been having panic attacks. sometimes you just have to let some of the struggles go. and just keep trucking.
so i started to think about struggles in my life. there are so many things that get in my way every day that i don't even realize. getting up early, making food, picking out clothes, leaving the house on time, getting to school before the bell. from there i have to sit there, talk to people, pay attention, learn, fit in, deal with awkward situations, and stay awake.
when i finally leave school, which is the highlight of my day, i have to balance my people properly, please my parents, balance extracurriculars, balance all of the important people in my life- people who i dont see who i should, and please my friends. then to do all of these things i need gas money, a job, common sense skills, concentration so i don't crash my car.
there are my personal struggles: food, weight, conflicts, decisions, college choices, school work, learning/concentration, emotions, perception, and confidence. deciding is especially hard for me; it takes me forever to decide if i like a band, which book i want to read, how i should organize my jewelry box. concentration is hard for me as well. i can never seem to care about anything long enough to get anything done in a confined amount of time. it takes me forever to clean my room and write papers. its hard for me to get worked up to pitch cause it takes so much mental energy. i cant even concentrate on tv shows or movies.
i see my life as a constant struggle which is why i have trouble being optimistic. i've said this before and i'll say it again, its probably what i think about the most. life is getting scary now, especially with my own personal realizations. i know that i'm not particularly intelligent, i hate to work, and i don't know what i like to do. therefore, i'm kind of fucked. along these lines, so much of my life tends to contradict itself.
my lack of understanding is why i don't want to become pretentious. this is probably why i make fun of pretentious ass holes. because i'm sure they don't know half as much as they throw out there.
this light has gone on in the back of my head because i finally understand why i've been having panic attacks. sometimes you just have to let some of the struggles go. and just keep trucking.