whine, bitch, moan

[revenantsix]

looking back i regret so much, something i am not used too doing. i have never been the kind of person to obsess over the past because it cannot be changed but lately i've lost some of my arrogance and taken a look back and realized what horrors i've unleashed upon myself. internally i've become a total wreck, i'm constantly wracked with anger frustration. anger at the world, at my parents and mostly anger at myself for the arrogant way i have made so many rash decisions and frustration from the clarity of hindsight. had i to do it over again? i would have gotten the sunfire fixed instead of buying my current dying car, i would have tried to get lena to move up here instead of the other way around and had i still moved down there i wouldn't have broken up with her. instead i should have at least talked to her, told her how i felt, how depressed i was living in that area and worked out my resentment instead of focusing on her as the cause of my problems. now i see that she had nothing to do with it, quite the opposite really. instead of making myself vulnerable to her i pushed her away and put on my "tuff guy" routine. you know the kind, he dosen't need anything or anyone and damn you to hell for asking for an explanation of his actions.

but really, everything's just confused and muddled and bleak and full of regret for hurting the one person who really got just how fucked up i am and was willing to deal with it.