and here we are again.
it's my fault, really. i keep professing that i am in no rush to be married, but who am i kidding? i have done everything i can to be in a state of practice-marriage, to the extent of having bank accounts, insurance and more in both our names. in my defense, it's because i believe in going into things with your eyes wide open, and thus do my best to be as honest in my wishes as i can. but that being said, it causes me to jump into things that would probably be better off if they were taken slowly. i did it with andy, and now i've done it with alex.
i'm desperate for a change in my life. i DO want to be married, to have kids, because part of me feels like that's the start of my REAL life. like everything up to now has been training, and just character-building experience.
so it is my fault. because i did jump, with joy, into the wonderfulness that was and is alex. and i still can't imagine a better partner, but how selfish of me to make it sound like he's the one being unreasonable in wanting to take a step back.
damn.
i mean, part of me wants to be free to just go out whenever i want, flirt with whoever i want, and most definitely to kiss and fondle girls again. god i miss boobs. but every time i'm with someone i convince myself that there can be nothing greater than this all-encompassing THING that we have going on.
and i keep thinking that HE'S the immature one. how silly.
so we start anew. act like people that are just starting to date, just starting to trust one another, and just happen to live at the same address. god knows if it'll work, but i truly think it's worth every shot either of us can come up with. this boy (and he SO is a boy, and not a man) complements me in nearly every facet of my personality, and i don't think that's something that will come along often. so i'm willing to do a lot to make it work, and i think we will both learn a lot by trying this.
who knows, maybe i convinced myself too far with alex. maybe he's not that perfect for me, and this will give us a chance to gracefully back out of something that could have been awful. or it could be that we're sabotaging the best thing that's ever happened to either of us, cuz who can really trust your lover when you know that he pursued someone else over you? i pray it doesn't get to that point, that this is some phase that will last a few weeks, maybe even a month-- enough time for us both to think it over independently, without feeling any obligation to each other. to truly CHOOSE to be with each other. because that is what really i want. a man who sees me, truly sees me, in all my splendor and reality and falsity, and not only accepts but cherishes a good chunk of it. i can't hope for complete love. nobody is that compatible and perfect. but someone who knows my faults and loves me despite them, and can work with or through them if not even enjoy them for the silliness that they probably are.
who am i to be so high and mighty, like i'm some angel.
i need to learn to enjoy myself more, to stop relying on my significant other for my happiness. it has to come from me first. i've always professed that i don't enjoy being alone and independent but that i'm good at it. i finally see that i'm a big fat liar. i hate being alone. no, i'm no social butterfly, but i love coming home to someone, and i want that someone to love coming home to me, for better or for worse.
but first we both need to learn to be ourselves. we both need to grow up a little before we make a real attempt at this adult life.
so buck up, victoria and quit sitting around weeping all the time. goddammit you're fucking tired of these little pity parties and yet you can't come up with anything for you to do with yourself. so learn. figure out what it is that makes YOU tick, and do it. no more excuses about not having any money. you come up with it whenever you want another bottle of whisky, so start spending it on something that benefits you more.
first, tomorrow i will go swimming, beat the water up and exhaust myself so that i can't think or cry or regret anymore. and i will splurge on a delectable dinner at Grazie and watch the hockey game and flirt with every person at the bar. have some fucking fun, for christ's sake. quit being such a goddamn fuddy duddy, and you STUPID girl, quit smoking! don't let stress turn you into hurting yourself. it's no different than christina and her cutting. in fact, it's probably worse because the effects last even longer.
so there. also, reread this every day until you are truly empowered enough to believe what you just wrote.
i'm desperate for a change in my life. i DO want to be married, to have kids, because part of me feels like that's the start of my REAL life. like everything up to now has been training, and just character-building experience.
so it is my fault. because i did jump, with joy, into the wonderfulness that was and is alex. and i still can't imagine a better partner, but how selfish of me to make it sound like he's the one being unreasonable in wanting to take a step back.
damn.
i mean, part of me wants to be free to just go out whenever i want, flirt with whoever i want, and most definitely to kiss and fondle girls again. god i miss boobs. but every time i'm with someone i convince myself that there can be nothing greater than this all-encompassing THING that we have going on.
and i keep thinking that HE'S the immature one. how silly.
so we start anew. act like people that are just starting to date, just starting to trust one another, and just happen to live at the same address. god knows if it'll work, but i truly think it's worth every shot either of us can come up with. this boy (and he SO is a boy, and not a man) complements me in nearly every facet of my personality, and i don't think that's something that will come along often. so i'm willing to do a lot to make it work, and i think we will both learn a lot by trying this.
who knows, maybe i convinced myself too far with alex. maybe he's not that perfect for me, and this will give us a chance to gracefully back out of something that could have been awful. or it could be that we're sabotaging the best thing that's ever happened to either of us, cuz who can really trust your lover when you know that he pursued someone else over you? i pray it doesn't get to that point, that this is some phase that will last a few weeks, maybe even a month-- enough time for us both to think it over independently, without feeling any obligation to each other. to truly CHOOSE to be with each other. because that is what really i want. a man who sees me, truly sees me, in all my splendor and reality and falsity, and not only accepts but cherishes a good chunk of it. i can't hope for complete love. nobody is that compatible and perfect. but someone who knows my faults and loves me despite them, and can work with or through them if not even enjoy them for the silliness that they probably are.
who am i to be so high and mighty, like i'm some angel.
i need to learn to enjoy myself more, to stop relying on my significant other for my happiness. it has to come from me first. i've always professed that i don't enjoy being alone and independent but that i'm good at it. i finally see that i'm a big fat liar. i hate being alone. no, i'm no social butterfly, but i love coming home to someone, and i want that someone to love coming home to me, for better or for worse.
but first we both need to learn to be ourselves. we both need to grow up a little before we make a real attempt at this adult life.
so buck up, victoria and quit sitting around weeping all the time. goddammit you're fucking tired of these little pity parties and yet you can't come up with anything for you to do with yourself. so learn. figure out what it is that makes YOU tick, and do it. no more excuses about not having any money. you come up with it whenever you want another bottle of whisky, so start spending it on something that benefits you more.
first, tomorrow i will go swimming, beat the water up and exhaust myself so that i can't think or cry or regret anymore. and i will splurge on a delectable dinner at Grazie and watch the hockey game and flirt with every person at the bar. have some fucking fun, for christ's sake. quit being such a goddamn fuddy duddy, and you STUPID girl, quit smoking! don't let stress turn you into hurting yourself. it's no different than christina and her cutting. in fact, it's probably worse because the effects last even longer.
so there. also, reread this every day until you are truly empowered enough to believe what you just wrote.