reminiscing...
I wrote this a couple days ago, and didn’t get a chance to post it til now…
it’s funny…I haven’t posted anything in so long, and tonight after watching a movie, I saw my art folder sitting in the corner, and pulled it out….looking through it, I found pictures I used to have on my wall at college, two collages made for me by previous girlfriends, and some artwork I did in high school. it made me reminisce, instantly and powerfully, about my feelings at those times.
since that was when I did my most LJ postings, I thought it appropriate that I should post something. naturally my neighbor that I steal wireless from was offline cuz it’s past midnight, but i thought I would write my thoughts now and copy them in tomorrow.
my angst (all those years ago, it seems) was this search…and I’ve never been able to put into words what I was looking for all that time. not til tonight, explaining to alex what part of me is in those pictures.
I was searching for life….for a meaning to MY life. not necessarily a purpose, but…I kept seeing this beauty all around me, and I couldn’t fit it into the life that I grew up expecting. or at least, thinking my family expected for me. there was so much all around, and yet none of it seemed to apply to me. it was only when shirking my responsibilities, driving around with cat, or going for walks with sarah, that things seemed most poignant. and I kinda miss that feeling. that feeling like something beautiful was right around the corner if I could just understand it. I pinpointed this feeling from the age of about 16-20. around when I turned 20 was when I was working at great harvest, and realized that though it wasn’t any kind of global difference, me being at the bakery every morning, serving the coffee and delicious bread to these people, with a smile and a friendly hello made a difference in their lives. I was a part of them. and that’s really all I wanted, was to be a part of other people’s lives. I just couldn’t figure out how. and that’s when I started pursuing small business. this is what I live for.
it’s so hard, too. I mean, when I start thinking about it, really, my life is pretty good. I love my job, most of my customers, and I am so proud of the fact that I own a coffeeshop. in September it’ll have been 5 years since Affogato opened, and I’ve been there for a little over 4 of those years. I’ve had the most influence on the place, and I think that it’s been the most constant and most effective influence, too.
and best of all, I have this boy…nearly a man, who fits me. he keeps me light, and laughing when I get low. he likes to get dressed up and take in the high society things like I do, but is ok with just sitting at home and playing cards, too. he’s not depressed by having little funds to spend socially, not like andy. he just enjoys what we do have, like I do. and it’s such a difference for me, to be with someone like that. life holds promise again. not to mention the fact that he adores me, and respects me, and I respect him. that seems to be the biggest underlying issue of all, to me. I can’t wait to start the rest of my life with him, to face problems together. we’re both going to take the Foreign Service Officer test in November, and I really hope one of us passes, because I think we’d be great diplomats, and I cannot imagine a better way to raise our children. I want a home base, but I’ve never really been a small-town girl. I want to travel, desperately. but I want to do it with my better half. one who’ll keep me amused and lighthearted, no matter how dire the situation seems. one I can take care of without feeling like that care is lowering the other person….i can’t think of the word I want, but whenever I had to pay a bill for andy or take care of him in some way, I know he felt inferior, and he took it out on me, which was exhausting. alex appreciates it, but still strives to pay me back, whether it’s a monetary or physical or any other kind of care. there’s so much give and take…we’re great partners. and that’s what I want in life. to make a difference in other people’s lives, to help them solve problems, with a partner that appreciates me and keeps me happy.
I don’t know if that’s what I was looking for, that that was the lack that made me angsty, but I have to say that I am happy, and complacent in what I do, especially when alex is in the picture. I am so lucky.
I pray I stay so lucky, and that my search to involve myself in others’ lives is fulfilled, no matter what my profession. I pray the same for all of you.
it’s funny…I haven’t posted anything in so long, and tonight after watching a movie, I saw my art folder sitting in the corner, and pulled it out….looking through it, I found pictures I used to have on my wall at college, two collages made for me by previous girlfriends, and some artwork I did in high school. it made me reminisce, instantly and powerfully, about my feelings at those times.
since that was when I did my most LJ postings, I thought it appropriate that I should post something. naturally my neighbor that I steal wireless from was offline cuz it’s past midnight, but i thought I would write my thoughts now and copy them in tomorrow.
my angst (all those years ago, it seems) was this search…and I’ve never been able to put into words what I was looking for all that time. not til tonight, explaining to alex what part of me is in those pictures.
I was searching for life….for a meaning to MY life. not necessarily a purpose, but…I kept seeing this beauty all around me, and I couldn’t fit it into the life that I grew up expecting. or at least, thinking my family expected for me. there was so much all around, and yet none of it seemed to apply to me. it was only when shirking my responsibilities, driving around with cat, or going for walks with sarah, that things seemed most poignant. and I kinda miss that feeling. that feeling like something beautiful was right around the corner if I could just understand it. I pinpointed this feeling from the age of about 16-20. around when I turned 20 was when I was working at great harvest, and realized that though it wasn’t any kind of global difference, me being at the bakery every morning, serving the coffee and delicious bread to these people, with a smile and a friendly hello made a difference in their lives. I was a part of them. and that’s really all I wanted, was to be a part of other people’s lives. I just couldn’t figure out how. and that’s when I started pursuing small business. this is what I live for.
it’s so hard, too. I mean, when I start thinking about it, really, my life is pretty good. I love my job, most of my customers, and I am so proud of the fact that I own a coffeeshop. in September it’ll have been 5 years since Affogato opened, and I’ve been there for a little over 4 of those years. I’ve had the most influence on the place, and I think that it’s been the most constant and most effective influence, too.
and best of all, I have this boy…nearly a man, who fits me. he keeps me light, and laughing when I get low. he likes to get dressed up and take in the high society things like I do, but is ok with just sitting at home and playing cards, too. he’s not depressed by having little funds to spend socially, not like andy. he just enjoys what we do have, like I do. and it’s such a difference for me, to be with someone like that. life holds promise again. not to mention the fact that he adores me, and respects me, and I respect him. that seems to be the biggest underlying issue of all, to me. I can’t wait to start the rest of my life with him, to face problems together. we’re both going to take the Foreign Service Officer test in November, and I really hope one of us passes, because I think we’d be great diplomats, and I cannot imagine a better way to raise our children. I want a home base, but I’ve never really been a small-town girl. I want to travel, desperately. but I want to do it with my better half. one who’ll keep me amused and lighthearted, no matter how dire the situation seems. one I can take care of without feeling like that care is lowering the other person….i can’t think of the word I want, but whenever I had to pay a bill for andy or take care of him in some way, I know he felt inferior, and he took it out on me, which was exhausting. alex appreciates it, but still strives to pay me back, whether it’s a monetary or physical or any other kind of care. there’s so much give and take…we’re great partners. and that’s what I want in life. to make a difference in other people’s lives, to help them solve problems, with a partner that appreciates me and keeps me happy.
I don’t know if that’s what I was looking for, that that was the lack that made me angsty, but I have to say that I am happy, and complacent in what I do, especially when alex is in the picture. I am so lucky.
I pray I stay so lucky, and that my search to involve myself in others’ lives is fulfilled, no matter what my profession. I pray the same for all of you.