Fic: An Ocean of Denial
Title: An Ocean of Denial
Author: reve_silencieux
Rating: PG
Pairing: Neal/Sara
Spoilers: Season 4
Word Count: 7,920
Summary: Most people don’t call their ex every week.
Series: A Time and a Place for Everything
Author's Note: My first fic in over four years, so thanks go to my beta, Kate, for cleaning it up!
This wasn’t a life; Sara couldn’t help but think to herself. Peter had once told her, rather bluntly, to get a life. While a good suggestion and something she could hardly deny that she was lacking, she hadn’t expected it to include Neal Caffrey. The same man, who had infuriated her for so many years, was now the one who always managed to make her smile. Even when he was over three thousand miles away, and they technically weren’t together anymore.
Most people didn’t call their ex every week. Of course, when moving said three thousand miles away, most people made new friends, started afresh, and generally moved on with their life. Sara wasn’t ‘most people’, neither was Neal Caffrey. She knew she should try to distance herself, but every week she’d hear his voice and she’d smile. He was the master of charm, but for a few hours he’d talk openly with her.
Or at least as openly as possible; Neal would always have his secrets and she was okay with that. They weren’t that big anymore, nothing along the lines of Nazi treasure or the great escape. And besides, she no longer had to question him about the Raphael.
No, it was the relationship talk that they avoided. They didn’t define themselves, knowing it was a minefield not worth broaching. They were somewhere between exes, but friends and ‘holding out for hope.’ Not that either one of them would admit to that, not after what had happened on the top of the Empire State building.
So here she was six months later, with her dream job, in one of the most metropolitan cities in the world. She should be having the time of her life, and yet she felt the same as that night she had learned her ‘death’ meant nothing.
*~*~*~*
Elizabeth had called him a romantic. Others would probably call him a fool. Twice he had been caught by Peter because of his love for Kate. They never talked about it, always giving Peter the credit, never acknowledging that Neal had made it easy for him. It was true, Kate was his weakness, but as time passed, Neal knew it was more than that. It was friends, family... love. He was a people person, charming and flirtatious, and deep down he was someone afraid of being alone. Lifelong riches and idle leisure were great, but they were not enough for Neal. No, he just wanted to share his time with someone; lazy Saturday afternoons with Peter, wine filled nights playing chess with Mozzie and mornings in bed with Sara.
He’d been surprised by his attraction to Sara, especially so soon after Kate. He hadn’t been looking, nor wanting to move on from her, but it had happened anyway. The fact that it was Sara Ellis, the woman who’d chased after him and called him a sociopath was life’s finest irony. Their relationship hadn’t been perfect, far from it, with all their ups and downs, secrets and lies, and everything in between. But it had meant a lot to him. Secrets aside, Sara went into it knowing who he was and what he was capable of. That was more than he could say about his relationship with Kate.
Neal had been hurt when Sara broke up with him, but not surprised. People like them, Mozzie always reminded him, were not destined to have a white picket fence. The fact that he had tried, and failed, to have that with Kate had been devastating. But now that he was staying put and honestly trying to be a better man; it was a bitter pill to swallow. He had made excuses to stay because of her and Peter, and yet he’d still lost her.
Some days he wondered if that was his destiny, his lot in life to be alone. Peter and Elizabeth had become his family, which helped, but losing Kate and Ellen, and subsequently his father, had made him question whether it was worth loving someone.
Letting Sara go had hurt - right when he finally realized that he loved her, possibly more than he had ever loved Kate. Well, he told himself he was being the better man that he was working so hard to be, because he wanted her to be happy. And he wasn’t going to stand in her way and beg her to stay just for him and his two mile radius. He was paying for his mistakes and she shouldn’t have to give up her dreams as well.
*~*~*~*
Many women were career driven and put their personal life aside in-order to climb the ladder. That was certainly true for Sara, although she preferred a LK Bennett dress over a stuffy power suit. While repossessing a half million dollar sports car in five inch heels was not always practical, it did give her a feeling of power over the lying schmucks who stole them. Well, that and her baton. But it gave her a sense of satisfaction when people underestimated her.
She had no friends, which became startlingly obvious after her ‘death’, and while a part of her was hurt, the other part of her had acknowledged it was simply a consequence of doing her job. And doing it well. But she had to admit, Neal brought excitement into her life, and she enjoyed dinners with the Burkes, and sneaking a diamond bustier into a thief’s safe. It had surprised her how much she had missed having someone to talk with at night, and of course the sex wasn’t bad.
Her relationship with Bryan had been more of convenience, more about the idea of a relationship, and the social obligation of finding someone to marry, than it ever had been about love. That had become clear after she felt the high that came with being with Neal Caffrey.
When she broke up with him after finding the treasure, she’d told herself it was for the better. They were two different people, it wouldn’t have worked anyway. But in the end, he had stayed, and it was hard not to gravitate towards him again. And after he ran, it was even harder. She’d held out for a while, but she couldn’t stay away. Which made it that much more difficult to accept the job in London.
You’re supposed to learn from your past and your mistakes, but Sara found herself in the same position as before - a workaholic. At first she used the excuse of a new job, a position that had her managing other people, and she needed to show Sterling Bosch that she was capable. But it was too easy to fall into the rut of working long hours and having no social life. Oh sure, she talked with a few women at work, but they all had families. They went home to husbands and children and weren’t inclined to stay late and catch a drink with her.
The weekly phone calls with Neal on Saturday nights were probably also not conducive to having a social life or meeting anyone new. Was she sabotaging this new chance of hers? A psychologist might say she was, by not allowing herself to move on or breaking off the ties to her old life. Sara wasn’t quite ready to dwell too much on it, or else she might just admit she had made the wrong choice.
*~*~*~*
He had expected a few postcards and hoped for an occasional phone call from Sara, but Neal was pleasantly surprised when she called every weekend during the first month. When she gave him her home phone number, claiming her cell phone bill was about to break the bank, he’d been surprised but inwardly thrilled. He didn’t want to lose her, and would keep her any way he could.
Without really discussing it, they soon settled into a routine. He’d call one weekend, and she’d call the next. If he thought about it too hard, it reminded him of Kate’s weekly visits to the prison, but this felt different. It felt... real. Like it was something normal people did, not out of obligation or guilt, just... because they could and they wanted to.
Neal found himself looking forward to their weekly phone calls. For as much as they’d had a physical relationship before, he enjoyed this even more. She had asked him to open up that night before his commutation hearing and despite his nature to evade, he'd found himself telling her things he hadn't talked about in a long time. It had felt liberating, like a weight was being lifted off his shoulders. One could only lie for so long before they lost a sense of who they were. Peter knew him well, and Mozzie even better, but Sara was quickly becoming the one who knew him best.
Moz claimed he was clinging to the past. He’d even made a corny Klingon joke to which Neal had just glared at him, effectively shutting him up. It was hard to defend himself when he knew Mozzie just didn't get it. Neal had found a home and a family, and he wasn't ready to give it up; even when someone was over three thousand miles away.
They never talked about the proposal. Or the future really. But Neal was okay with that. In a strange way, it took the pressure off both of them. They were doing it backwards, talking for hours about everything and nothing, truly getting to know each other. There was no worry of secrets coming between them, or even the possibility of him running since they were already an ocean apart. And obviously sex couldn’t cloud their judgment anymore. It didn't bother him. He wasn’t a monk, but he could live without it, having been in prison for four years.
Neal had no idea if this was all they would ever have, but he’d take it for however long he could. He’d learned that after Kate. If they were only meant to be friends, then so be it. And if one day she mentioned a guy or the phone calls became less frequent, then he’d wish her well, and quietly say goodbye. He had no stake in her, no right to keep her from living her life. He had a life waiting for him too, and he wouldn’t waste it pining for what he couldn’t have, not again.
If anything, it made him regret having lost the time while she had been in New York. Would things have been different? He would never know, and he'd learned not to dwell on the past that he couldn't change. And while there were many things about his past he wanted to change, he was happy with how it had turned out. Not too many people would say that of prison, but he had a life now that he was proud of and those four years were just a bump in the road.
But if he were being honest with himself, he wondered if they were lying to themselves, hiding behind their lives and the convenient excuse of distance. One day they would have to make a decision; whether they were friends or lovers. He just wished he knew which it would be.
*~*~*~*
A shrink would have a field day with her.
Like most people, she had routines. She visited a certain coffee shop in the morning at a certain time. The baristas knew her well and she even recognized other regulars. One of them in particular had started to chat with her, and despite being tired and caffeine free, she was friendly and smiled, laughing along with him as they people watched and joked about life around them.
She wasn’t blind. He was handsome, single, he wasn’t wearing a ring, and he was obviously flirting with her. Ian, by all measures, was quite the catch. He was well dressed, had a good job, and an accent that made her weak in the knees. Her stomach though, clenched at the thought of him asking her out. She knew she had no reason not to date him or anyone else really, but she was still hesitant.
After a couple weeks of flirting, he asked her out to go see the new exhibit at the Tate Modern. Her heart nearly stopped and she immediately thought of Neal. Ever since she moved to London, she’d made a mental list of places that she wanted to show him. It was a long list that included several museums, the Tate Modern, and Tate Britain were just a couple of them. She knew he would love going to the Late at Tate Britain for the live music and performance art on a Friday night.
Somehow she kept her cool and politely declined, saying she had a previous engagement while inwardly she felt herself flailing about. The next day she found a new coffee shop and tried not to give it a second thought.
Sara had no doubt that Neal flirted with every woman he encountered. That's who he was and what he did - he charmed, conned and generally got everyone to eat out of the palm of his hand. However, she knew they meant nothing to him. They were nothing but good conversation, and a fun way to pass the time, and annoy Peter at the same time. She could even picture Peter's face, all scrunched up, frustrated at Neal's antics, and she laughed as she remembered some of the stories he'd told her.
It should bother her more, but she trusted him. Which made her pause, when had she reached the point when she trusted Neal Caffrey, a professional liar?
But the bigger question - was she purposely keeping herself from being happy? Going out with Ian could be fun. It didn't necessarily have to go anywhere, but she heard a little voice in her head argue that he could be the perfect guy for her. It was a notion that seemed foreign to her, bringing to mind a picture of what her life could be like and she was not ready for it. So she pushed it aside, she'd already made her decision after all.
*~*~*~*
Neal used to count down the days until his release in prison. When he was sent back, he started again despite how much it depressed him. He probably would have started to count down at the motel if he’d stayed, but he wouldn’t dare mar the walls at June’s. Besides, he hadn’t thought he’d stay all four years anyway.
Today, however, marked one year to go, and while a year was still a long stretch of time, it was an important date for him. He wanted to prove to them all that it was the right thing to do, and that he would finish it and become a better man. But more importantly, he wanted to prove it to himself. He wanted to be the man that Peter said he could be and the man that no one, even himself, ever thought was possible.
There have been too many starts and stops, and setbacks that he knew he should just be grateful that he’d be free before he turned gray. But it still frustrated him and there were days when he was ready to snap and cut the damn anklet off and run again. There were places he wanted to go, things to do, and people to see. But he knew he wouldn’t. He’d changed and he wouldn’t do that to Peter again. It wasn’t fair to him, or Elizabeth, or even Diana and Jones who kept him out of prison during Peter’s own jail stint.
Yet it still chafed his leg and aggravated him when someone laughed at him and his leash. He knew he couldn’t complain, but it still burned. Most days it didn’t matter, when he enjoyed a leisurely breakfast on his balcony or read a book with a bottle of wine on his couch. It hurt though when people looked at him with distrust or as a thing to corral when he went off anklet. Peter’s team didn’t make a big deal of it anymore and that helped, but when other agents were involved, there was no telling what they’d say or do.
It was during one call with Sara that he wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all. Her voice was tired, and if it hadn’t been his turn to call, he wasn’t sure she would have. She didn’t go into specifics, but he understood that she’d had a very bad week. There were always perks to being the one in charge, but Neal knew the higher up you went, the more politics and B.S. you had to deal with. He had a sneaky suspicion Peter would try to stay a field agent for as long as possible just to avoid that situation. It also gave him plenty of respect for Hughes with all that he had handled.
But it was the loneliness and hurt that he heard in Sara’s voice that made his heart break and he just wanted to be there for her. He heard the unspoken defeat and anger at being challenged and disparaged. That wasn’t the Sara he knew, the strong willed and fiercely independent woman who took no crap from anyone. His first instinct was to take them down, whoever they were and make them look stupid and foolish.
He stopped himself from doing anything rash, because for starters, his running wouldn’t do anyone good, and he knew that part of being a better man didn’t include petty revenge. That didn’t mean though that he wouldn’t give anything to be there to comfort her and cursed his inability to jump on a plane that instant. In the end, he used what came naturally, his gift of gab and made her laugh with stories of Mozzie and his latest antics that had sent Peter's blood pressure through the roof. It was all he could do at the moment and he knew that it was going to have to be enough, for now. He promised himself that one day he would be there for her and there would be nothing in his way.
*~*~*~*
Sara hadn’t truly celebrated Christmas since she was a little girl when she and her sister would sneak downstairs on Christmas morning to stare at the tree lit up and full of presents. Her parents tried to maintain the façade that all was normal after Emily ran away, but it was never the same. After her parents died, she was alone and didn’t feel the need to put up a tree or anything else, really. The only tradition she continued was to attend a midnight Christmas Eve service by herself and sing Silent Night by candlelight.
It was three weeks before Christmas when Sara decided to make the effort to enjoy her first holiday season in London. It was beautifully decorated and had a completely different feel from New York. On a whim she looked into hotels in Vienna, thinking it would be fun to go browse Christmas markets and enjoy the snow. She’d find a cathedral to attend a Christmas Eve service even if she couldn’t understand the language. However she nearly had a coronary when she found most of the hotels booked and what was left was not worth the exorbitant cost just because it was Christmas, despite her new salary.
Without really thinking, she looked at flights to New York; the first class ticket was expensive as well, but she figured she wouldn’t be staying at a hotel, so it averaged out. It didn’t occur to her what she’d just done until she clicked ‘purchase’. For someone who'd been waffling over where she was in life, her subconscious obviously knew where she wanted to go. Sara was not usually a spontaneous person, preferring to research things first, but deep down she knew she had always meant to go back.
She didn’t tell Neal when they briefly discussed their plans for the holidays. She learned that the Burkes would be visiting Peter’s parents in upstate New York and June would be away with her family. Sara didn’t ask about Mozzie because she didn’t think she wanted to know his view on Christmas. She told him about the sights of London all spruced up and mentioned her Christmas Eve tradition.
She got a perverse sense of satisfaction about lying to Neal, conning the conman. But she always held the belief that it was okay to fib at Christmas time. After all, one was usually trying to surprise someone and it was well intentioned.
Although he tried to hide it, Sara knew that he was lonely. She had learned his tells. He would be mortified if he knew that, so she kept it quiet. Maybe it was because he didn’t have to keep up a face when talking to her, or maybe, she liked to think - he’d given up hiding anything from her. But either way, she could hear it in his voice and she almost told him of her plans.
With Christmas falling on a Wednesday that year, everyone at her office was taking the whole week off, and for once, she did the same. She flew out Friday night, butterflies in her stomach as she realized what this trip meant. They’d been dancing around the subject for months now and she was finally making a move that would obliterate the wall they put up when she’d left. Sara wasn’t quite sure what would happen next, but for once she was not worrying about it. Life would eventually sort itself out, she told herself. For now she was just going to enjoy her time off.
The cab pulled up at June’s close to two a.m. and it was after ringing the doorbell a few times, that Neal finally appeared at the door, groggy yet still looking better than anyone should have the right to this late at night. But once he saw her, his eyes lit up and a patented Neal Caffrey smile stretched across his face as he reached for her. The kiss lasted until they needed to breathe, and his hands traced her face for several seconds before kissing her again. They didn’t speak as they brought her stuff upstairs. Sara quickly changed and sunk into his bed, sighing contently as his arms wrapped around her. As she drifted to sleep, she couldn’t help but think that this was way better than a phone call. She had no regrets and knew she’d made the right decision.
Mozzie interrupted them the next morning while they’re enjoying ‘brunch’ in bed, and she nearly laughed despite the situation because it just felt right.
*~*~*~*
He wouldn't admit it to anyone, especially Mozzie, but spending the week with Sara had been more of a vacation than the island paradise they had escaped to. Not to say Cape Verde hadn't been beautiful and relaxing, but there was something to be said for staying in bed all morning or walking the city, hand in hand, with Sara.
With Peter gone, and most of the office out for the holidays, he'd been lucky to get the week off as well. And he took full advantage of it. They went ice skating in Central Park, saw the Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall, and caught a Broadway play that was just barely in his radius. It might have been corny, and a bit touristy, but Sara didn't complain. They were simply enjoying their time together.
Neal might not be devoutly religious, not having gone to church since Ellen took him as a kid, but he went along with Sara on Christmas Eve and enjoyed the simple, yet beautiful service of carols and quiet reflection. The Pastor's sermon talked of the joy of Christmas and new beginnings. He'd glanced at Sara, wondering if that was what this was - a new beginning. His whole life lately was a new beginning. He wasn't sure though if he deserved one.
Aside from a phone call from Peter and Elizabeth, Neal and Sara had a quiet Christmas. They spent the time in Neal’s apartment, and it had amused Neal greatly to watch Sara trying to help him cook.
When she had presented him with a gift that morning, he had felt bad that he didn't have one for her, having shipped it to London the week prior. He apologized several times, but she’d reassured him that it was okay. It would be nice to return to her quiet home to find a surprise waiting for her. But Neal couldn’t help be disappointed since he had spent a considerable amount of time trying to come up with the perfect gift for her and now that she was here, he would have loved to see her reaction.
Neal had realized that Sara did not require a big and lavish gift, like he’d tried so hard to give Kate over the years. Sara preferred things understated, although her tastes did tend to be higher end, a look in her closet was proof enough of that. But he knew she didn't need him to buy her something expensive just for the sake of it, or to make a big deal out of a gift in general. After all, she'd been content with a home cooked meal, and had more fun when their date night had been taken over by Peter's own undercover date.
He liked that about her. It was also hard not to compare her to Kate. They were quite different women, which might surprise some people who thought he had a type. Neal had fallen hard for Kate and had wanted to give her the world. The two of them had dreamt big and lived in the clouds. Sara wasn't interested in that. Kate had quickly and easily adapted to a life of crime, but Sara... She had fun playing in the gray areas, but she still had a firm line that she would not cross. He didn't blame her and he wouldn't ask her to, that was who she was, and he wouldn’t take her any other way. Besides, it was probably better for everyone that she kept him from returning to his previous life.
But they both wanted honesty from him. Both had left him because he had lied and conned them. Mozzie had told him that every con man got his heart broken once. Well, it seemed like with everything else he did, he would always be breaking rules and ruining expectations. Neal should have learned from his mistakes with Kate, having conned her, but he still lied and kept the truth from Sara. He hadn't meant to, and certainly hadn't wanted to, but it wasn't his secret to share. It had just gone to show how much he had changed when he almost asked her to come, but stopped short realizing she'd never be happy. Even more so when he realized he didn't want to leave. Jones had hit it on the nail when he'd said that choices were sacrifices, giving up something you want for something you wanted more. The choice of a life on the run with unimaginable riches or a life rich in love and family? Despite how everything went down, Neal was secretly happy with how it turned out.
He'd come a long way from those wild and carefree days with Kate. The pain of losing her had dimmed, and he felt bad for moving on, but he knew now that it hadn’t been meant to be. Was it just young love, caught up in the rush, the thrill of their lives? Neal would never know, or maybe he just refused to look too deeply. Mozzie and Peter believed she'd been playing him in the end, but it didn't matter now. He had mourned her and a part of him would always love her, but now he had a life to live. A life he wanted Sara to be part of, and he wasn't going to mess it up again.
It was two days after Christmas when he pulled her into the Museum of Modern Art’s gift shop. She'd laughed when he bought her an umbrella as a late Christmas gift. It was a classic black umbrella, but when you opened it, there was a cheerful blue sky with clouds on the inside. He had quipped that she'd need it in London so she would always have something to smile at, even when it rained. It was a life lesson he was still learning, but he knew this was one beginning he really wanted.
*~*~*~*
For the one year anniversary of her move to London, Sara celebrated by picking up some take away and a nice bottle of wine. It wasn’t fancy, and albeit a bit lonely, but Sara didn’t mind. She took a nice long bubble bath and put on a cheesy chick flick to distract her from the reality of it.
It wasn’t exactly an anniversary worth celebrating or remembering. A year ago she accepted a fake, but real, proposal, Neal had lost his father, and Peter had gone to jail. When she got off the plane, she’d found a text message from Neal to call him. That hadn’t surprised her, but when she got situated at her new flat and called him, she hadn’t expected to hear his shaky voice and obvious grief. No more so than the news he delivered.
No, it wasn’t a happy anniversary. It was only the marking of time and she wasn’t quite certain she had achieved what she had set out for herself by this years’ time either. Oh, she was settled in her flat and her new job, but her life still felt unsteady and empty. It scared her sometimes when she realized she had nothing to look forward to, no big goal to push towards. A part of her felt she was just biding her time as if this was only temporary. But London was her home now, wasn’t it?
She glanced at the painting over her bed. The view of New York City from Neal’s balcony at sunset almost glowed in the darkening light of her bedroom. The last rays of sunlight peeked out from the purples and pinks of the clouds in the sky. Sara had found it neatly wrapped up when she returned from her Christmas trip. When she’d spotted his signature in the bottom right corner she’d nearly cried. Neal didn’t share his artwork, she knew that.
As she stared at it, she realized what her problem was - Neal. She was too connected to him, too close to him. Every week she set aside her Saturday evening for him. Every week she curled up on her couch, or in her bed, waiting to hear his voice and talk to him about her week. Which usually wouldn’t be a problem since it was perfectly normal to share that with someone.
But Neal didn’t share himself with many people. Only a few select people and that included her. He was a mystery, a man of many faces and names, yet she knew him - the man behind the con man, thief, and forger. She was one of the lucky ones.
She was floundering, her life revolved around work and Neal. She was living week to week, phone call to phone call, on his timeframe, and silently counting down the days, waiting for his time to be up. It was a set time, a goal, one that she subconsciously had adopted for herself as well. She had no allusions that he’d move out here, he had a life and family in New York, but nonetheless, it was a day that she was waiting for.
Sara wondered what he would do once he was free. Would he go back to a life of crime? Would he fly around the world, maybe stopping by to see her for a few days, before jet setting off to another exotic locale? Or would he stay in New York, working alongside Peter and calling her every other week.
That’s what it boiled down to; was she going to lose him again? Did she even have the right to be upset if he left?
But she had already left him, hadn’t she? Did it even matter? He was there and she was here, and that wasn’t going to change.
*~*~*~*
Neal knew that he'd changed since he started working with Peter and the FBI. At first, he'd only seen it as a way to get out of prison. He respected Peter as an agent, so it wasn't that hard of a choice. Of course, he hadn't exactly planned on staying all four years. He'd asked Mozzie the first time they met at June's whether he could pick his anklet. They talked and planned on running for so long and when they finally could? He stalled. He had wanted to stay.
It was crazy to think, and he never would have guessed it at the beginning, but Neal had actually come to like working with the FBI. He'd told Moz once that he'd try to get a real job after he finished his work-release stint. Maybe work corporate security or stay with the FBI. Mozzie had of course scoffed at him, but Neal secretly still held on to that aspiration.
He liked who he'd become. It was fun to run cons on the bad guys, knowing he was working with the good guys and didn't have to run and look over his shoulder the entire time. Okay, so he sometimes stretched things into the grey area, but they always got the guy in the end, that was what mattered. Sure the mortgage fraud cases were dreadfully boring, but even Mozzie would have to agree that using the FBI’s resources was fun.
With his release looking more like a 'when' rather than an 'if', Peter finally brought up the topic of Neal's plans. It was something that had long been on Neal's mind. He couldn't go back to the life he had lead, he'd long ago come to that conclusion. Neal would always be a con artist at heart, but it wasn't who he wanted to be anymore. He had a life he loved, and people he didn't want to leave. There would be temptation, and maybe he'd dabble on the side for fun, but he promised himself, and Peter, silently, that he wouldn't ruin what Peter had given him; a chance at a normal life.
They'd talked about his options, including corporate security, art restoration and authentication, even recovery for an insurance firm, just like Sara had done. Neither of them came right out with it, wondering if staying with the FBI was a possibility, but they both wanted the same thing. Finally after staring at each other in uncomfortable silence, Peter had just blurted it out. It might be a long shot, something that had never been done before, but if Neal wanted it, Peter would try to get approval.
It would be months of wrangling and paperwork, but Neal was thrilled when it was finally approved and he was offered a full time paid consultancy position.
He thought he would have grown tired of the nine to five work existence, and would have been ready for a change after his four years were up; that he'd fly away at the first chance. However, Neal was not anything but a constant source of surprise, even to himself. He was amazingly okay with it, in fact he relished the opportunity to walk in those doors every day, accepted, and appreciated by those around him.
Would he ever get restless and want to see the world? Probably. But at least he'd be free to do so without worrying about covering his tracks. He might be shadowed when he visited the world's best museums, but he wouldn't blame them. Would he eventually leave the FBI and want to try something different? It was a distinct possibility, especially if Peter left the field or retired. Neal was just happy that he'd have the choice.
And that, Neal was definitely okay with.
*~*~*~*
Sterling Bosch had signed a new client almost a year ago that had been unusual and made Sara equally suspicious. It was a new up and coming artist with a collection of pieces valued at $100,000. Many artists insured their pieces either directly, or through a gallery, but most were already known entities. This particular young man was still green and trying to make a mark in the art world. Granted, his collection did have actual value due to the gemstones and materials he used. The collection was about the juxtaposition of society and how they placed their values on known brands and items. A view that Sara personally thought to be trite and overdone, but that was just her.
There were pieces using ordinary materials to look extravagant and likewise gemstones and precious metals used in ordinary settings. Some of the stones were uncut or polished and thus worth more, but something about it just rubbed her the wrong way. How was this artist able to buy such materials in the first place and why not use the gallery's insurance rather than pay for it himself? Most new artists couldn't afford it.
So she was hardly surprised when she heard that a few pieces on exhibition at a local gallery had been stolen. Sara was pretty sure Neal could give her five different scenarios off the top of his head if she asked. But it wasn't up to her to figure it out anymore. Instead, she handed the case off to one of her newer employees. She felt a particular kinship with Rebecca Meyerson, a young woman who worked hard at her job and tried to prove herself in the male dominated field. Really, Rebecca reminded Sara of herself when she had first joined the company and she tried to help her out whenever possible.
After a week on the case, when Rebecca came to her with suspicions that the artist was involved, Sara could hardly contain her excitement. It was after they talked through the case for an hour, that Sara realized she had missed this, way too much. She went home and drank a couple glasses of wine as she contemplated this revelation. Her job was her life, and she had no problem admitting that. She had worked hard to move up the ladder and felt this position was her crowning achievement.
Yet, it felt flat. There was no more excitement at catching someone in a lie or recovering a stolen painting. She may work on the right side of the law, but it had been fun to play in the gray areas with Neal. Even Peter was more fun to work with than Interpol and the paperwork she tediously slogged through that her new position required.
But wasn't this what she wanted?
She didn't know anymore.
*~*~*~*
Neal didn’t like to think he was selfish, even though the very definition of a thief was one who took what he did not own without regard. He had taken a lot over the years, but it was people that he had no control over, despite what others thought. Words were his forte, well that and art, but they could only get you so far. He could charm with the best of them, knowing the right thing to say at the right moment. But after the con was over, they were upset and he was gone.
No, he was better at attaining things than people. People were fleeting in his life. He had lost too many that he’d cared about. He’d hurt them even more. But like the good thief he was, he couldn’t help but want more. And right now he wanted only one thing. The one thing he could not have, or steal.
Or more specifically, someone.
He lost Kate, but he was determined not to lose Sara. Instead of a barbed wire fence and plate glass between them, there was an ocean and denial. With a little under six months to go on his sentence, Neal made a decision. He was going to try something novel.
He was going to ask.
His plan was simple, really. He applied for a passport for the first time with his real name. The paperwork came across Peter’s desk which raised his eyebrows, but Neal just smiled and gave him a glib answer that he needed a vacation. Once he was free, there would be no parole and nothing to keep him bound to New York, or heck, even the country. The passport was shipped to Peter for safe keeping and was postdated for the day of his release. Neal reminded him that he couldn’t exactly go anywhere and wasn’t stupid enough to run a second time, not this close to freedom.
Peter just glared at him and locked his drawer. Neal grinned knowing it was a useless gesture on Peter’s part, but accepted it nonetheless. He could wait.
He bought a plane ticket to London for the day after his release. Neal didn’t tell anyone of his plans. Although he was pretty sure Peter had an idea, he didn’t say anything.
*~*~*~*
Sara was not the type to believe in signs or fate or any of that new age nonsense. But it was hard not to stop in her tracks and turn her head to watch a mother calling out to her son. The little boy, who came running, and just so happened to be named Conrad, had bright red hair, freckles, and a big grin.
It had been a joke. She tried hard not to think about that day. When Bryan had proposed to her, it had been sweet and romantic, with all the typical hallmarks of a proposal. She had expected the same from Neal. It was a con after all. But then he got down on one knee and froze in a manner so unexpected of him. His words had been beautiful, and open, and honest.
And real.
She had wanted to bang on his chest and scream at him for tearing her in two different directions. Why hadn’t he been that guy earlier? Why did he have to be the con man with a charming smile, and a leg halfway out the door with an escape plan at his fingertips?
Instead she kept it inside and smiled, brushing it off as if it was nothing. As if it hadn’t meant anything to her. But it did.
Watching the little boy now made her heart twist. She’d never yearned for kids, but had always assumed she’d have them someday. Picturing them with Neal had been a light hearted distraction, a way to avoid the reality of the situation. She was leaving and he was stuck there.
Neal would be a great dad, though. Their kids would be a handful, a constant source of pride and amusement, if not equally frustrating. She wouldn’t expect any less of any progeny of Neal’s and knew Mozzie’s influence would likewise be hard to prevent.
It was a dream, she knew. One she shoved aside and continued walking down the street even as her heart pounded fast in her chest. A dream meant for another life.
*~*~*~*
The day of his release, there was a party at the office, which continued at his favorite French restaurant and finished at the Burkes’. Elizabeth had a congratulatory cake that this time he got to eat and they sat around drinking, laughing and reminiscing until they couldn’t keep their eyes open. He fell asleep on the couch but left before anyone woke up, and returned to June’s. He wasn’t quite running away, but he wasn’t saying goodbye because he knew he’d be back. Peter knew he was taking a month off, and that was all that mattered.
His suitcase was waiting for him, already packed, and he made his way to the airport. He was slightly hung-over, but he didn’t care. He had a seven hour flight to sleep it off. When the plane took off, he was reminded of his last flight - running away with a target on his back, but this time he was coming back and he was free. He might come home broken hearted, but he knew he would have family to help piece him back together.
When Neal arrived in London, he breathed a sigh of relief when he cleared customs with no problems, one less thing for him to worry about. He hailed a cab but barely saw the city fly by him as they made their way to Sara’s flat. He was nervous, something he was unaccustomed to and didn’t like one bit.
Proposing to Sara hadn’t made him this nervous, but that was because there had been a certain outcome. He had known what she’d say. In most cons you’d try to control the narrative - nudge the mark one way or another, lay subtle hints and generally steer them the way you wanted it to go. But in the end, people were out of your control.
And this was most definitely out of his control, and it scared the hell out of him.
When the cab dropped him off, he stood silently looking up at the building. It was big and modern, but impersonal. For some reason, it upset him, thinking of her living over three thousand miles away in a small, typical apartment in one of the biggest cities in the world. He’d liked her place in New York - it suited her.
With suitcase in hand and tie loosened, he slipped into the building behind some residents, looking the part of the weary traveler arriving home. They didn’t spare him a glance as he followed them onto the lift. A few stops later, he walked off and found himself in front of her door.
He remembered the night Sara flew in to surprise him for Christmas and how happy he’d been to see her. Neal only hoped he’d get the same reception. He wasn’t sure if he was prepared for his heart to break again. They’re friends, but were they more? Nearly two years of talking and he might lose it all in an instant, or finally have the one thing in his life that had been out of his reach.
Neal took a deep breath and knocked on the door. After several seconds, the door opened and his eyes locked onto hers, wide with surprise. He held out his hand.
“Come home, please?”
*~*~*~*
Sara stared at him shock. Her eyes glanced down at his ankle, even though she knew it wouldn’t be there. She looked back up at him and saw him watching her, his blue eyes asking silently, waiting for her to answer. It was the most vulnerable she’d seen him. The memory of that day on top of the Empire State Building flashed through her mind and she knew right then that they had lied. It wasn't another time or place. It was now.
She choked back a sob and rushed into his arms, tears dripping down her face as she buried her face in his chest and whispered, “Okay.”
There were no thoughts on what she would do with her job or where she would live. It didn’t matter.
This was the life she wanted.
A life with Neal Caffrey.
End
Author: reve_silencieux
Rating: PG
Pairing: Neal/Sara
Spoilers: Season 4
Word Count: 7,920
Summary: Most people don’t call their ex every week.
Series: A Time and a Place for Everything
Author's Note: My first fic in over four years, so thanks go to my beta, Kate, for cleaning it up!
This wasn’t a life; Sara couldn’t help but think to herself. Peter had once told her, rather bluntly, to get a life. While a good suggestion and something she could hardly deny that she was lacking, she hadn’t expected it to include Neal Caffrey. The same man, who had infuriated her for so many years, was now the one who always managed to make her smile. Even when he was over three thousand miles away, and they technically weren’t together anymore.
Most people didn’t call their ex every week. Of course, when moving said three thousand miles away, most people made new friends, started afresh, and generally moved on with their life. Sara wasn’t ‘most people’, neither was Neal Caffrey. She knew she should try to distance herself, but every week she’d hear his voice and she’d smile. He was the master of charm, but for a few hours he’d talk openly with her.
Or at least as openly as possible; Neal would always have his secrets and she was okay with that. They weren’t that big anymore, nothing along the lines of Nazi treasure or the great escape. And besides, she no longer had to question him about the Raphael.
No, it was the relationship talk that they avoided. They didn’t define themselves, knowing it was a minefield not worth broaching. They were somewhere between exes, but friends and ‘holding out for hope.’ Not that either one of them would admit to that, not after what had happened on the top of the Empire State building.
So here she was six months later, with her dream job, in one of the most metropolitan cities in the world. She should be having the time of her life, and yet she felt the same as that night she had learned her ‘death’ meant nothing.
*~*~*~*
Elizabeth had called him a romantic. Others would probably call him a fool. Twice he had been caught by Peter because of his love for Kate. They never talked about it, always giving Peter the credit, never acknowledging that Neal had made it easy for him. It was true, Kate was his weakness, but as time passed, Neal knew it was more than that. It was friends, family... love. He was a people person, charming and flirtatious, and deep down he was someone afraid of being alone. Lifelong riches and idle leisure were great, but they were not enough for Neal. No, he just wanted to share his time with someone; lazy Saturday afternoons with Peter, wine filled nights playing chess with Mozzie and mornings in bed with Sara.
He’d been surprised by his attraction to Sara, especially so soon after Kate. He hadn’t been looking, nor wanting to move on from her, but it had happened anyway. The fact that it was Sara Ellis, the woman who’d chased after him and called him a sociopath was life’s finest irony. Their relationship hadn’t been perfect, far from it, with all their ups and downs, secrets and lies, and everything in between. But it had meant a lot to him. Secrets aside, Sara went into it knowing who he was and what he was capable of. That was more than he could say about his relationship with Kate.
Neal had been hurt when Sara broke up with him, but not surprised. People like them, Mozzie always reminded him, were not destined to have a white picket fence. The fact that he had tried, and failed, to have that with Kate had been devastating. But now that he was staying put and honestly trying to be a better man; it was a bitter pill to swallow. He had made excuses to stay because of her and Peter, and yet he’d still lost her.
Some days he wondered if that was his destiny, his lot in life to be alone. Peter and Elizabeth had become his family, which helped, but losing Kate and Ellen, and subsequently his father, had made him question whether it was worth loving someone.
Letting Sara go had hurt - right when he finally realized that he loved her, possibly more than he had ever loved Kate. Well, he told himself he was being the better man that he was working so hard to be, because he wanted her to be happy. And he wasn’t going to stand in her way and beg her to stay just for him and his two mile radius. He was paying for his mistakes and she shouldn’t have to give up her dreams as well.
*~*~*~*
Many women were career driven and put their personal life aside in-order to climb the ladder. That was certainly true for Sara, although she preferred a LK Bennett dress over a stuffy power suit. While repossessing a half million dollar sports car in five inch heels was not always practical, it did give her a feeling of power over the lying schmucks who stole them. Well, that and her baton. But it gave her a sense of satisfaction when people underestimated her.
She had no friends, which became startlingly obvious after her ‘death’, and while a part of her was hurt, the other part of her had acknowledged it was simply a consequence of doing her job. And doing it well. But she had to admit, Neal brought excitement into her life, and she enjoyed dinners with the Burkes, and sneaking a diamond bustier into a thief’s safe. It had surprised her how much she had missed having someone to talk with at night, and of course the sex wasn’t bad.
Her relationship with Bryan had been more of convenience, more about the idea of a relationship, and the social obligation of finding someone to marry, than it ever had been about love. That had become clear after she felt the high that came with being with Neal Caffrey.
When she broke up with him after finding the treasure, she’d told herself it was for the better. They were two different people, it wouldn’t have worked anyway. But in the end, he had stayed, and it was hard not to gravitate towards him again. And after he ran, it was even harder. She’d held out for a while, but she couldn’t stay away. Which made it that much more difficult to accept the job in London.
You’re supposed to learn from your past and your mistakes, but Sara found herself in the same position as before - a workaholic. At first she used the excuse of a new job, a position that had her managing other people, and she needed to show Sterling Bosch that she was capable. But it was too easy to fall into the rut of working long hours and having no social life. Oh sure, she talked with a few women at work, but they all had families. They went home to husbands and children and weren’t inclined to stay late and catch a drink with her.
The weekly phone calls with Neal on Saturday nights were probably also not conducive to having a social life or meeting anyone new. Was she sabotaging this new chance of hers? A psychologist might say she was, by not allowing herself to move on or breaking off the ties to her old life. Sara wasn’t quite ready to dwell too much on it, or else she might just admit she had made the wrong choice.
*~*~*~*
He had expected a few postcards and hoped for an occasional phone call from Sara, but Neal was pleasantly surprised when she called every weekend during the first month. When she gave him her home phone number, claiming her cell phone bill was about to break the bank, he’d been surprised but inwardly thrilled. He didn’t want to lose her, and would keep her any way he could.
Without really discussing it, they soon settled into a routine. He’d call one weekend, and she’d call the next. If he thought about it too hard, it reminded him of Kate’s weekly visits to the prison, but this felt different. It felt... real. Like it was something normal people did, not out of obligation or guilt, just... because they could and they wanted to.
Neal found himself looking forward to their weekly phone calls. For as much as they’d had a physical relationship before, he enjoyed this even more. She had asked him to open up that night before his commutation hearing and despite his nature to evade, he'd found himself telling her things he hadn't talked about in a long time. It had felt liberating, like a weight was being lifted off his shoulders. One could only lie for so long before they lost a sense of who they were. Peter knew him well, and Mozzie even better, but Sara was quickly becoming the one who knew him best.
Moz claimed he was clinging to the past. He’d even made a corny Klingon joke to which Neal had just glared at him, effectively shutting him up. It was hard to defend himself when he knew Mozzie just didn't get it. Neal had found a home and a family, and he wasn't ready to give it up; even when someone was over three thousand miles away.
They never talked about the proposal. Or the future really. But Neal was okay with that. In a strange way, it took the pressure off both of them. They were doing it backwards, talking for hours about everything and nothing, truly getting to know each other. There was no worry of secrets coming between them, or even the possibility of him running since they were already an ocean apart. And obviously sex couldn’t cloud their judgment anymore. It didn't bother him. He wasn’t a monk, but he could live without it, having been in prison for four years.
Neal had no idea if this was all they would ever have, but he’d take it for however long he could. He’d learned that after Kate. If they were only meant to be friends, then so be it. And if one day she mentioned a guy or the phone calls became less frequent, then he’d wish her well, and quietly say goodbye. He had no stake in her, no right to keep her from living her life. He had a life waiting for him too, and he wouldn’t waste it pining for what he couldn’t have, not again.
If anything, it made him regret having lost the time while she had been in New York. Would things have been different? He would never know, and he'd learned not to dwell on the past that he couldn't change. And while there were many things about his past he wanted to change, he was happy with how it had turned out. Not too many people would say that of prison, but he had a life now that he was proud of and those four years were just a bump in the road.
But if he were being honest with himself, he wondered if they were lying to themselves, hiding behind their lives and the convenient excuse of distance. One day they would have to make a decision; whether they were friends or lovers. He just wished he knew which it would be.
*~*~*~*
A shrink would have a field day with her.
Like most people, she had routines. She visited a certain coffee shop in the morning at a certain time. The baristas knew her well and she even recognized other regulars. One of them in particular had started to chat with her, and despite being tired and caffeine free, she was friendly and smiled, laughing along with him as they people watched and joked about life around them.
She wasn’t blind. He was handsome, single, he wasn’t wearing a ring, and he was obviously flirting with her. Ian, by all measures, was quite the catch. He was well dressed, had a good job, and an accent that made her weak in the knees. Her stomach though, clenched at the thought of him asking her out. She knew she had no reason not to date him or anyone else really, but she was still hesitant.
After a couple weeks of flirting, he asked her out to go see the new exhibit at the Tate Modern. Her heart nearly stopped and she immediately thought of Neal. Ever since she moved to London, she’d made a mental list of places that she wanted to show him. It was a long list that included several museums, the Tate Modern, and Tate Britain were just a couple of them. She knew he would love going to the Late at Tate Britain for the live music and performance art on a Friday night.
Somehow she kept her cool and politely declined, saying she had a previous engagement while inwardly she felt herself flailing about. The next day she found a new coffee shop and tried not to give it a second thought.
Sara had no doubt that Neal flirted with every woman he encountered. That's who he was and what he did - he charmed, conned and generally got everyone to eat out of the palm of his hand. However, she knew they meant nothing to him. They were nothing but good conversation, and a fun way to pass the time, and annoy Peter at the same time. She could even picture Peter's face, all scrunched up, frustrated at Neal's antics, and she laughed as she remembered some of the stories he'd told her.
It should bother her more, but she trusted him. Which made her pause, when had she reached the point when she trusted Neal Caffrey, a professional liar?
But the bigger question - was she purposely keeping herself from being happy? Going out with Ian could be fun. It didn't necessarily have to go anywhere, but she heard a little voice in her head argue that he could be the perfect guy for her. It was a notion that seemed foreign to her, bringing to mind a picture of what her life could be like and she was not ready for it. So she pushed it aside, she'd already made her decision after all.
*~*~*~*
Neal used to count down the days until his release in prison. When he was sent back, he started again despite how much it depressed him. He probably would have started to count down at the motel if he’d stayed, but he wouldn’t dare mar the walls at June’s. Besides, he hadn’t thought he’d stay all four years anyway.
Today, however, marked one year to go, and while a year was still a long stretch of time, it was an important date for him. He wanted to prove to them all that it was the right thing to do, and that he would finish it and become a better man. But more importantly, he wanted to prove it to himself. He wanted to be the man that Peter said he could be and the man that no one, even himself, ever thought was possible.
There have been too many starts and stops, and setbacks that he knew he should just be grateful that he’d be free before he turned gray. But it still frustrated him and there were days when he was ready to snap and cut the damn anklet off and run again. There were places he wanted to go, things to do, and people to see. But he knew he wouldn’t. He’d changed and he wouldn’t do that to Peter again. It wasn’t fair to him, or Elizabeth, or even Diana and Jones who kept him out of prison during Peter’s own jail stint.
Yet it still chafed his leg and aggravated him when someone laughed at him and his leash. He knew he couldn’t complain, but it still burned. Most days it didn’t matter, when he enjoyed a leisurely breakfast on his balcony or read a book with a bottle of wine on his couch. It hurt though when people looked at him with distrust or as a thing to corral when he went off anklet. Peter’s team didn’t make a big deal of it anymore and that helped, but when other agents were involved, there was no telling what they’d say or do.
It was during one call with Sara that he wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all. Her voice was tired, and if it hadn’t been his turn to call, he wasn’t sure she would have. She didn’t go into specifics, but he understood that she’d had a very bad week. There were always perks to being the one in charge, but Neal knew the higher up you went, the more politics and B.S. you had to deal with. He had a sneaky suspicion Peter would try to stay a field agent for as long as possible just to avoid that situation. It also gave him plenty of respect for Hughes with all that he had handled.
But it was the loneliness and hurt that he heard in Sara’s voice that made his heart break and he just wanted to be there for her. He heard the unspoken defeat and anger at being challenged and disparaged. That wasn’t the Sara he knew, the strong willed and fiercely independent woman who took no crap from anyone. His first instinct was to take them down, whoever they were and make them look stupid and foolish.
He stopped himself from doing anything rash, because for starters, his running wouldn’t do anyone good, and he knew that part of being a better man didn’t include petty revenge. That didn’t mean though that he wouldn’t give anything to be there to comfort her and cursed his inability to jump on a plane that instant. In the end, he used what came naturally, his gift of gab and made her laugh with stories of Mozzie and his latest antics that had sent Peter's blood pressure through the roof. It was all he could do at the moment and he knew that it was going to have to be enough, for now. He promised himself that one day he would be there for her and there would be nothing in his way.
*~*~*~*
Sara hadn’t truly celebrated Christmas since she was a little girl when she and her sister would sneak downstairs on Christmas morning to stare at the tree lit up and full of presents. Her parents tried to maintain the façade that all was normal after Emily ran away, but it was never the same. After her parents died, she was alone and didn’t feel the need to put up a tree or anything else, really. The only tradition she continued was to attend a midnight Christmas Eve service by herself and sing Silent Night by candlelight.
It was three weeks before Christmas when Sara decided to make the effort to enjoy her first holiday season in London. It was beautifully decorated and had a completely different feel from New York. On a whim she looked into hotels in Vienna, thinking it would be fun to go browse Christmas markets and enjoy the snow. She’d find a cathedral to attend a Christmas Eve service even if she couldn’t understand the language. However she nearly had a coronary when she found most of the hotels booked and what was left was not worth the exorbitant cost just because it was Christmas, despite her new salary.
Without really thinking, she looked at flights to New York; the first class ticket was expensive as well, but she figured she wouldn’t be staying at a hotel, so it averaged out. It didn’t occur to her what she’d just done until she clicked ‘purchase’. For someone who'd been waffling over where she was in life, her subconscious obviously knew where she wanted to go. Sara was not usually a spontaneous person, preferring to research things first, but deep down she knew she had always meant to go back.
She didn’t tell Neal when they briefly discussed their plans for the holidays. She learned that the Burkes would be visiting Peter’s parents in upstate New York and June would be away with her family. Sara didn’t ask about Mozzie because she didn’t think she wanted to know his view on Christmas. She told him about the sights of London all spruced up and mentioned her Christmas Eve tradition.
She got a perverse sense of satisfaction about lying to Neal, conning the conman. But she always held the belief that it was okay to fib at Christmas time. After all, one was usually trying to surprise someone and it was well intentioned.
Although he tried to hide it, Sara knew that he was lonely. She had learned his tells. He would be mortified if he knew that, so she kept it quiet. Maybe it was because he didn’t have to keep up a face when talking to her, or maybe, she liked to think - he’d given up hiding anything from her. But either way, she could hear it in his voice and she almost told him of her plans.
With Christmas falling on a Wednesday that year, everyone at her office was taking the whole week off, and for once, she did the same. She flew out Friday night, butterflies in her stomach as she realized what this trip meant. They’d been dancing around the subject for months now and she was finally making a move that would obliterate the wall they put up when she’d left. Sara wasn’t quite sure what would happen next, but for once she was not worrying about it. Life would eventually sort itself out, she told herself. For now she was just going to enjoy her time off.
The cab pulled up at June’s close to two a.m. and it was after ringing the doorbell a few times, that Neal finally appeared at the door, groggy yet still looking better than anyone should have the right to this late at night. But once he saw her, his eyes lit up and a patented Neal Caffrey smile stretched across his face as he reached for her. The kiss lasted until they needed to breathe, and his hands traced her face for several seconds before kissing her again. They didn’t speak as they brought her stuff upstairs. Sara quickly changed and sunk into his bed, sighing contently as his arms wrapped around her. As she drifted to sleep, she couldn’t help but think that this was way better than a phone call. She had no regrets and knew she’d made the right decision.
Mozzie interrupted them the next morning while they’re enjoying ‘brunch’ in bed, and she nearly laughed despite the situation because it just felt right.
*~*~*~*
He wouldn't admit it to anyone, especially Mozzie, but spending the week with Sara had been more of a vacation than the island paradise they had escaped to. Not to say Cape Verde hadn't been beautiful and relaxing, but there was something to be said for staying in bed all morning or walking the city, hand in hand, with Sara.
With Peter gone, and most of the office out for the holidays, he'd been lucky to get the week off as well. And he took full advantage of it. They went ice skating in Central Park, saw the Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall, and caught a Broadway play that was just barely in his radius. It might have been corny, and a bit touristy, but Sara didn't complain. They were simply enjoying their time together.
Neal might not be devoutly religious, not having gone to church since Ellen took him as a kid, but he went along with Sara on Christmas Eve and enjoyed the simple, yet beautiful service of carols and quiet reflection. The Pastor's sermon talked of the joy of Christmas and new beginnings. He'd glanced at Sara, wondering if that was what this was - a new beginning. His whole life lately was a new beginning. He wasn't sure though if he deserved one.
Aside from a phone call from Peter and Elizabeth, Neal and Sara had a quiet Christmas. They spent the time in Neal’s apartment, and it had amused Neal greatly to watch Sara trying to help him cook.
When she had presented him with a gift that morning, he had felt bad that he didn't have one for her, having shipped it to London the week prior. He apologized several times, but she’d reassured him that it was okay. It would be nice to return to her quiet home to find a surprise waiting for her. But Neal couldn’t help be disappointed since he had spent a considerable amount of time trying to come up with the perfect gift for her and now that she was here, he would have loved to see her reaction.
Neal had realized that Sara did not require a big and lavish gift, like he’d tried so hard to give Kate over the years. Sara preferred things understated, although her tastes did tend to be higher end, a look in her closet was proof enough of that. But he knew she didn't need him to buy her something expensive just for the sake of it, or to make a big deal out of a gift in general. After all, she'd been content with a home cooked meal, and had more fun when their date night had been taken over by Peter's own undercover date.
He liked that about her. It was also hard not to compare her to Kate. They were quite different women, which might surprise some people who thought he had a type. Neal had fallen hard for Kate and had wanted to give her the world. The two of them had dreamt big and lived in the clouds. Sara wasn't interested in that. Kate had quickly and easily adapted to a life of crime, but Sara... She had fun playing in the gray areas, but she still had a firm line that she would not cross. He didn't blame her and he wouldn't ask her to, that was who she was, and he wouldn’t take her any other way. Besides, it was probably better for everyone that she kept him from returning to his previous life.
But they both wanted honesty from him. Both had left him because he had lied and conned them. Mozzie had told him that every con man got his heart broken once. Well, it seemed like with everything else he did, he would always be breaking rules and ruining expectations. Neal should have learned from his mistakes with Kate, having conned her, but he still lied and kept the truth from Sara. He hadn't meant to, and certainly hadn't wanted to, but it wasn't his secret to share. It had just gone to show how much he had changed when he almost asked her to come, but stopped short realizing she'd never be happy. Even more so when he realized he didn't want to leave. Jones had hit it on the nail when he'd said that choices were sacrifices, giving up something you want for something you wanted more. The choice of a life on the run with unimaginable riches or a life rich in love and family? Despite how everything went down, Neal was secretly happy with how it turned out.
He'd come a long way from those wild and carefree days with Kate. The pain of losing her had dimmed, and he felt bad for moving on, but he knew now that it hadn’t been meant to be. Was it just young love, caught up in the rush, the thrill of their lives? Neal would never know, or maybe he just refused to look too deeply. Mozzie and Peter believed she'd been playing him in the end, but it didn't matter now. He had mourned her and a part of him would always love her, but now he had a life to live. A life he wanted Sara to be part of, and he wasn't going to mess it up again.
It was two days after Christmas when he pulled her into the Museum of Modern Art’s gift shop. She'd laughed when he bought her an umbrella as a late Christmas gift. It was a classic black umbrella, but when you opened it, there was a cheerful blue sky with clouds on the inside. He had quipped that she'd need it in London so she would always have something to smile at, even when it rained. It was a life lesson he was still learning, but he knew this was one beginning he really wanted.
*~*~*~*
For the one year anniversary of her move to London, Sara celebrated by picking up some take away and a nice bottle of wine. It wasn’t fancy, and albeit a bit lonely, but Sara didn’t mind. She took a nice long bubble bath and put on a cheesy chick flick to distract her from the reality of it.
It wasn’t exactly an anniversary worth celebrating or remembering. A year ago she accepted a fake, but real, proposal, Neal had lost his father, and Peter had gone to jail. When she got off the plane, she’d found a text message from Neal to call him. That hadn’t surprised her, but when she got situated at her new flat and called him, she hadn’t expected to hear his shaky voice and obvious grief. No more so than the news he delivered.
No, it wasn’t a happy anniversary. It was only the marking of time and she wasn’t quite certain she had achieved what she had set out for herself by this years’ time either. Oh, she was settled in her flat and her new job, but her life still felt unsteady and empty. It scared her sometimes when she realized she had nothing to look forward to, no big goal to push towards. A part of her felt she was just biding her time as if this was only temporary. But London was her home now, wasn’t it?
She glanced at the painting over her bed. The view of New York City from Neal’s balcony at sunset almost glowed in the darkening light of her bedroom. The last rays of sunlight peeked out from the purples and pinks of the clouds in the sky. Sara had found it neatly wrapped up when she returned from her Christmas trip. When she’d spotted his signature in the bottom right corner she’d nearly cried. Neal didn’t share his artwork, she knew that.
As she stared at it, she realized what her problem was - Neal. She was too connected to him, too close to him. Every week she set aside her Saturday evening for him. Every week she curled up on her couch, or in her bed, waiting to hear his voice and talk to him about her week. Which usually wouldn’t be a problem since it was perfectly normal to share that with someone.
But Neal didn’t share himself with many people. Only a few select people and that included her. He was a mystery, a man of many faces and names, yet she knew him - the man behind the con man, thief, and forger. She was one of the lucky ones.
She was floundering, her life revolved around work and Neal. She was living week to week, phone call to phone call, on his timeframe, and silently counting down the days, waiting for his time to be up. It was a set time, a goal, one that she subconsciously had adopted for herself as well. She had no allusions that he’d move out here, he had a life and family in New York, but nonetheless, it was a day that she was waiting for.
Sara wondered what he would do once he was free. Would he go back to a life of crime? Would he fly around the world, maybe stopping by to see her for a few days, before jet setting off to another exotic locale? Or would he stay in New York, working alongside Peter and calling her every other week.
That’s what it boiled down to; was she going to lose him again? Did she even have the right to be upset if he left?
But she had already left him, hadn’t she? Did it even matter? He was there and she was here, and that wasn’t going to change.
*~*~*~*
Neal knew that he'd changed since he started working with Peter and the FBI. At first, he'd only seen it as a way to get out of prison. He respected Peter as an agent, so it wasn't that hard of a choice. Of course, he hadn't exactly planned on staying all four years. He'd asked Mozzie the first time they met at June's whether he could pick his anklet. They talked and planned on running for so long and when they finally could? He stalled. He had wanted to stay.
It was crazy to think, and he never would have guessed it at the beginning, but Neal had actually come to like working with the FBI. He'd told Moz once that he'd try to get a real job after he finished his work-release stint. Maybe work corporate security or stay with the FBI. Mozzie had of course scoffed at him, but Neal secretly still held on to that aspiration.
He liked who he'd become. It was fun to run cons on the bad guys, knowing he was working with the good guys and didn't have to run and look over his shoulder the entire time. Okay, so he sometimes stretched things into the grey area, but they always got the guy in the end, that was what mattered. Sure the mortgage fraud cases were dreadfully boring, but even Mozzie would have to agree that using the FBI’s resources was fun.
With his release looking more like a 'when' rather than an 'if', Peter finally brought up the topic of Neal's plans. It was something that had long been on Neal's mind. He couldn't go back to the life he had lead, he'd long ago come to that conclusion. Neal would always be a con artist at heart, but it wasn't who he wanted to be anymore. He had a life he loved, and people he didn't want to leave. There would be temptation, and maybe he'd dabble on the side for fun, but he promised himself, and Peter, silently, that he wouldn't ruin what Peter had given him; a chance at a normal life.
They'd talked about his options, including corporate security, art restoration and authentication, even recovery for an insurance firm, just like Sara had done. Neither of them came right out with it, wondering if staying with the FBI was a possibility, but they both wanted the same thing. Finally after staring at each other in uncomfortable silence, Peter had just blurted it out. It might be a long shot, something that had never been done before, but if Neal wanted it, Peter would try to get approval.
It would be months of wrangling and paperwork, but Neal was thrilled when it was finally approved and he was offered a full time paid consultancy position.
He thought he would have grown tired of the nine to five work existence, and would have been ready for a change after his four years were up; that he'd fly away at the first chance. However, Neal was not anything but a constant source of surprise, even to himself. He was amazingly okay with it, in fact he relished the opportunity to walk in those doors every day, accepted, and appreciated by those around him.
Would he ever get restless and want to see the world? Probably. But at least he'd be free to do so without worrying about covering his tracks. He might be shadowed when he visited the world's best museums, but he wouldn't blame them. Would he eventually leave the FBI and want to try something different? It was a distinct possibility, especially if Peter left the field or retired. Neal was just happy that he'd have the choice.
And that, Neal was definitely okay with.
*~*~*~*
Sterling Bosch had signed a new client almost a year ago that had been unusual and made Sara equally suspicious. It was a new up and coming artist with a collection of pieces valued at $100,000. Many artists insured their pieces either directly, or through a gallery, but most were already known entities. This particular young man was still green and trying to make a mark in the art world. Granted, his collection did have actual value due to the gemstones and materials he used. The collection was about the juxtaposition of society and how they placed their values on known brands and items. A view that Sara personally thought to be trite and overdone, but that was just her.
There were pieces using ordinary materials to look extravagant and likewise gemstones and precious metals used in ordinary settings. Some of the stones were uncut or polished and thus worth more, but something about it just rubbed her the wrong way. How was this artist able to buy such materials in the first place and why not use the gallery's insurance rather than pay for it himself? Most new artists couldn't afford it.
So she was hardly surprised when she heard that a few pieces on exhibition at a local gallery had been stolen. Sara was pretty sure Neal could give her five different scenarios off the top of his head if she asked. But it wasn't up to her to figure it out anymore. Instead, she handed the case off to one of her newer employees. She felt a particular kinship with Rebecca Meyerson, a young woman who worked hard at her job and tried to prove herself in the male dominated field. Really, Rebecca reminded Sara of herself when she had first joined the company and she tried to help her out whenever possible.
After a week on the case, when Rebecca came to her with suspicions that the artist was involved, Sara could hardly contain her excitement. It was after they talked through the case for an hour, that Sara realized she had missed this, way too much. She went home and drank a couple glasses of wine as she contemplated this revelation. Her job was her life, and she had no problem admitting that. She had worked hard to move up the ladder and felt this position was her crowning achievement.
Yet, it felt flat. There was no more excitement at catching someone in a lie or recovering a stolen painting. She may work on the right side of the law, but it had been fun to play in the gray areas with Neal. Even Peter was more fun to work with than Interpol and the paperwork she tediously slogged through that her new position required.
But wasn't this what she wanted?
She didn't know anymore.
*~*~*~*
Neal didn’t like to think he was selfish, even though the very definition of a thief was one who took what he did not own without regard. He had taken a lot over the years, but it was people that he had no control over, despite what others thought. Words were his forte, well that and art, but they could only get you so far. He could charm with the best of them, knowing the right thing to say at the right moment. But after the con was over, they were upset and he was gone.
No, he was better at attaining things than people. People were fleeting in his life. He had lost too many that he’d cared about. He’d hurt them even more. But like the good thief he was, he couldn’t help but want more. And right now he wanted only one thing. The one thing he could not have, or steal.
Or more specifically, someone.
He lost Kate, but he was determined not to lose Sara. Instead of a barbed wire fence and plate glass between them, there was an ocean and denial. With a little under six months to go on his sentence, Neal made a decision. He was going to try something novel.
He was going to ask.
His plan was simple, really. He applied for a passport for the first time with his real name. The paperwork came across Peter’s desk which raised his eyebrows, but Neal just smiled and gave him a glib answer that he needed a vacation. Once he was free, there would be no parole and nothing to keep him bound to New York, or heck, even the country. The passport was shipped to Peter for safe keeping and was postdated for the day of his release. Neal reminded him that he couldn’t exactly go anywhere and wasn’t stupid enough to run a second time, not this close to freedom.
Peter just glared at him and locked his drawer. Neal grinned knowing it was a useless gesture on Peter’s part, but accepted it nonetheless. He could wait.
He bought a plane ticket to London for the day after his release. Neal didn’t tell anyone of his plans. Although he was pretty sure Peter had an idea, he didn’t say anything.
*~*~*~*
Sara was not the type to believe in signs or fate or any of that new age nonsense. But it was hard not to stop in her tracks and turn her head to watch a mother calling out to her son. The little boy, who came running, and just so happened to be named Conrad, had bright red hair, freckles, and a big grin.
It had been a joke. She tried hard not to think about that day. When Bryan had proposed to her, it had been sweet and romantic, with all the typical hallmarks of a proposal. She had expected the same from Neal. It was a con after all. But then he got down on one knee and froze in a manner so unexpected of him. His words had been beautiful, and open, and honest.
And real.
She had wanted to bang on his chest and scream at him for tearing her in two different directions. Why hadn’t he been that guy earlier? Why did he have to be the con man with a charming smile, and a leg halfway out the door with an escape plan at his fingertips?
Instead she kept it inside and smiled, brushing it off as if it was nothing. As if it hadn’t meant anything to her. But it did.
Watching the little boy now made her heart twist. She’d never yearned for kids, but had always assumed she’d have them someday. Picturing them with Neal had been a light hearted distraction, a way to avoid the reality of the situation. She was leaving and he was stuck there.
Neal would be a great dad, though. Their kids would be a handful, a constant source of pride and amusement, if not equally frustrating. She wouldn’t expect any less of any progeny of Neal’s and knew Mozzie’s influence would likewise be hard to prevent.
It was a dream, she knew. One she shoved aside and continued walking down the street even as her heart pounded fast in her chest. A dream meant for another life.
*~*~*~*
The day of his release, there was a party at the office, which continued at his favorite French restaurant and finished at the Burkes’. Elizabeth had a congratulatory cake that this time he got to eat and they sat around drinking, laughing and reminiscing until they couldn’t keep their eyes open. He fell asleep on the couch but left before anyone woke up, and returned to June’s. He wasn’t quite running away, but he wasn’t saying goodbye because he knew he’d be back. Peter knew he was taking a month off, and that was all that mattered.
His suitcase was waiting for him, already packed, and he made his way to the airport. He was slightly hung-over, but he didn’t care. He had a seven hour flight to sleep it off. When the plane took off, he was reminded of his last flight - running away with a target on his back, but this time he was coming back and he was free. He might come home broken hearted, but he knew he would have family to help piece him back together.
When Neal arrived in London, he breathed a sigh of relief when he cleared customs with no problems, one less thing for him to worry about. He hailed a cab but barely saw the city fly by him as they made their way to Sara’s flat. He was nervous, something he was unaccustomed to and didn’t like one bit.
Proposing to Sara hadn’t made him this nervous, but that was because there had been a certain outcome. He had known what she’d say. In most cons you’d try to control the narrative - nudge the mark one way or another, lay subtle hints and generally steer them the way you wanted it to go. But in the end, people were out of your control.
And this was most definitely out of his control, and it scared the hell out of him.
When the cab dropped him off, he stood silently looking up at the building. It was big and modern, but impersonal. For some reason, it upset him, thinking of her living over three thousand miles away in a small, typical apartment in one of the biggest cities in the world. He’d liked her place in New York - it suited her.
With suitcase in hand and tie loosened, he slipped into the building behind some residents, looking the part of the weary traveler arriving home. They didn’t spare him a glance as he followed them onto the lift. A few stops later, he walked off and found himself in front of her door.
He remembered the night Sara flew in to surprise him for Christmas and how happy he’d been to see her. Neal only hoped he’d get the same reception. He wasn’t sure if he was prepared for his heart to break again. They’re friends, but were they more? Nearly two years of talking and he might lose it all in an instant, or finally have the one thing in his life that had been out of his reach.
Neal took a deep breath and knocked on the door. After several seconds, the door opened and his eyes locked onto hers, wide with surprise. He held out his hand.
“Come home, please?”
*~*~*~*
Sara stared at him shock. Her eyes glanced down at his ankle, even though she knew it wouldn’t be there. She looked back up at him and saw him watching her, his blue eyes asking silently, waiting for her to answer. It was the most vulnerable she’d seen him. The memory of that day on top of the Empire State Building flashed through her mind and she knew right then that they had lied. It wasn't another time or place. It was now.
She choked back a sob and rushed into his arms, tears dripping down her face as she buried her face in his chest and whispered, “Okay.”
There were no thoughts on what she would do with her job or where she would live. It didn’t matter.
This was the life she wanted.
A life with Neal Caffrey.
End