Fic: Once Upon Another Time (5/5)
Title: Once Upon Another Time (5/5)
Author: reve_silencieux
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairing: Neal, Sara, Mozzie, Kate, June (N/S)
Spoilers: None
Warnings: Spoiler! Highlight to read if you don't like certain tropes - MPREG
Word Count: 25,700 (This chapter: 4,950)
Beta: algeiban
Summary: An AU where Sara finds Neal first. What she does after that... well, Neal is pretty charming, and he's nothing like what she imagined.
Previous Chapters: Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four
Chapter Five
It was hard to get excited about your day when you knew you were about to squeeze an eight pound baby out a tiny little opening that you shouldn't have to begin with. He had been both dreading and anxiously waiting for this day. His due date had come and gone four days ago, and he was way past uncomfortable and going on cranky and miserable.
In the past few months, Neal had grown larger than he’d thought humanly possible. When he'd finally allowed Mozzie to visit during his eighth month, his friend's eyes had bugged out and he so eloquently blurted, “Holy humpback whale, you're huge!”
While he'd had months to ease into his new body, it was hard to reconcile the image in the mirror with the man who used to sneak through narrow air vents not so long ago. He lacked his usual grace, and forget about possessing any stealth, he waddled and bumped into everything around. There were times he'd wake up and stare at his stomach amazed, unable to believe his eyes.
Then the baby would kick and he'd need to pee, and life resumed its slow stroll to this inevitable day.
He'd been on bed rest for the past month, it was required of everyone, and was increasingly going stir-crazy. Even though he lacked the energy these days to swim or even walk the entire mile around campus, he wanted to stretch his legs and breathe fresh air. All meals were delivered to them, and their weekly outing to their doctor's appointment was chauffeured.
So Neal was more than ready to have this baby.
Most days he was too tired to do much more than a couple hours of painting and had taken to reading and watching TV... and falling asleep an hour later. Even Josh's enthusiastic game playing usually ended with him asleep and dead on the screen. Adam was fighting to stay awake during his online classes, a feat Neal could only applaud him for, memories of long coffee filled days and nights burned into his brain. He didn't think he could take one class now, much less a full course load.
Naturally, he was terrified of actually giving birth. Adam had tried to prepare him and Josh, and they had taken birthing classes as well, but Neal knew he was no more ready to give birth than he was to pilot a fighter jet at mach 1.
Adam had been whisked away during the middle of the night two weeks ago, and come back looking no worse for wear. Neal figured it got easier once you'd done it before, or at least he sure hoped so. Josh had delivered last week and his comment had been, “It was one hell of a ride.” He didn't take too much comfort from that considering the guy spent his days shooting monsters for fun.
And now it was his turn. He'd been at the hospital for four hours now, and they told him he still had a ways to go. Amazing what a difference four centimeters made. It was hard to believe that the baby he’d felt moving and kicking inside him for months now would come out at all.
This might be the natural way of things, but nothing about it felt natural to him.
Neal hadn't been in this much pain since he was eight and had fallen off the jungle gym and broken his arm in two places. He would gladly take that now over the pain radiating through his back and abdomen every few minutes. Clutching at the railing on the wall, he breathed through his mouth slowly, waiting for the contraction to pass. Unable to stay in bed any longer, he'd been walking for the past half hour. No one batted an eye at him as he stopped and groaned nearly every time he lapped the delivery wing.
He'd had small contractions for three hours before his water broke earlier that morning. Only then had Neal finally pushed the button on his bracelet. 'Oh, shit,' had been all that came to mind when he'd felt his soaked pants and realized he couldn't put it off any longer.
He straightened up and resumed his slow shuffle, gripping the IV pole in one hand and his other hand cradling his stomach. It felt wrong that after nine months, he was just going to hand over this baby. He never would see the baby, much less hold it. Now, more than ever, it angered him how he was viewed, an incubator and nothing more.
As the hours had worn on, he’d wished that just once they would look at them as human beings. Neal found out during his classes that he wouldn’t be given much pain relief. An epidural often slowed down labor, and had a whole long list of possible complications that they were not willing to risk. What Neal read into it-they didn’t want to have to resort to an emergency C-section and they were more concerned about preserving his body for his years of childbirth ahead than making it bearable for him. The drugs they did give him were mild, because anything more would reach the baby's bloodstream.
He’d long ago given up, having no energy to fight a losing battle. It only served to upset him more, and right now, he knew he just had to get through it.
He bent over as another contraction hit, and bit his lip to keep from crying out. Why him? He wasn’t getting anything out of this. He wouldn’t be able to proudly show off a baby to all his friends. No, he was just going to be sent back to his dorm without so much as a ‘thank you.’
Neal cursed his parents-for his father to be so greedy that he forced this life on his family. To have forgotten that he was hurting them as well. For his mother, who'd chosen the easy way out. Who put it all on his shoulders. They weren't there to see what they'd done to him.
No one was. He was alone. There was no one there to help him, to distract him from the pain. No friend or loved one who could share in the joy because it wasn’t his. Science had taken that away, reducing childbirth to a clinical, medical procedure. And he was the one who had to suffer through it.
Five hours later he was finally pushing and when he heard the wail of the baby, he nearly wept in relief. No matter how much it angered him, this life they forced on him, he had done it. Nine months ago, it had seemed impossible, a foreign and scary concept that he would give birth to this baby, that he could do it at all. But he had, there was a baby out there screaming and kicking, and it was all because of him.
The absence of the baby inside him was bittersweet though. He ran a hand over his stomach, now only slightly rounded, and oddly missed the flutter and kick. It had been his only constant companion during the past several months. A reason to keep going, a reminder of what was at the end.
It was hard to just give it up, to not hold it in his arms. He’d been protecting it for so long, cradling his stomach without thought, that it hurt just to walk away. But that’s what he had to do, and would have to do for years to come. He was just the womb and that’s all he would ever be.
*~*~*~*
He'd given up his apartment when he'd left, so Mozzie said he could stay with him at one of his safehouses for the time being. But as much as Neal loved his friend, he was not the best roommate. And that said a lot, considering Neal had lived the past year with two pregnant men. The man's paranoia ran high normally, but living with it was another issue.
Neal had to get out. He'd been taking long walks every day, just to stretch his legs and feel the freedom of going wherever he wanted. This morning he'd walked to the water, strolling through Riverside Park. It wasn't as crowded as Central Park, but there were plenty of joggers and people walking their dogs. After an hour, he settled down on a bench and stared out at the water lapping the river's edge. He'd missed this city so much.
He never would have thought he'd miss it as much as he did. But it was his home, and it had become a part of him. Living landlocked and confined to a small campus had been the least of his worries, but it had been hard. Neal liked to expand his wings, go where the wind took him, take a sketchbook and explore the city.
Three months wasn't enough.
It was going to be even harder to go back next time.
“You look like you need a hug. It's not going to disappear, I promise.”
Neal looked up at the soft voice. An older woman, beautiful and serene, wearing a long cashmere coat, matching scarf and soft leather gloves, stood there holding the leash to a small pug at her feet. She smiled gently.
“I've been gone awhile,” he said and nodded out towards the water. “I've missed this.”
“And yet you still look so sad, as if it's going to slip through your fingers.” She sat down next to him and folded the leash in her lap.
Neal hesitated. It was hard to explain. He never offered up this side of him to strangers. “I'm not back for long.”
“How long?”
“Three months.”
She hummed softly and gave him a small, knowing smile. “Well then, you must make the most of it, and when you return, the city will welcome you back with its loving arms.”
He wasn't so sure about that. Neal thought his heart might break next time.
“At least you're home for the holidays.”
Neal had to pause at that. He hadn't given the holidays much thought, honestly. He'd been so focused on getting through his first cycle that he'd just been happy to leave.
“I don't really have plans. My best friend says Christmas is ‘an invention of the modern retailer to coerce the public into buying their junk and increasing their profits.’”
She chuckled and looked out at the water. “Even if you don't celebrate the holiday, it's the season that's important. Spending time with family and friends.”
He'd gone home his first year of college, spent Christmas break with his aunt. They’d stayed in touch over the years, but it became harder the closer it got. She'd felt as responsible as his mother for the life imparted on him. She told him that she had tried to discourage his mother from signing him up, tried to help them out, but his mother had done it anyway.
“You draw?” she asked, changing the subject, nodding towards the sketchbook that sat between them on the bench.
“What?” Neal glanced down. “Oh, yeah. I'm a painter, actually.”
“An artist! I've love to see your work.”
Neal's eyes widened. He was currently living in an abandoned warehouse with Mozzie. While he'd brought some of his work back with him, Neal had sent several pieces to Mozzie to store over the past year. He hadn't even gone to pick them up since he'd returned.
“I... I'm staying with my friend at the moment. My art's in storage.”
She nodded and smiled understandingly. “Ah, I see. As nice as it is that your friend is helping you out, it sounds like you're in a need of your own place. Somewhere to paint?”
“It's only temporary. I'll find a place soon,” he reassured her quickly.
“I have an extra guestroom that I think you'd find perfect for your needs. Plenty of space and light. I imagine it's hard finding something for a few months,” she said calmly, as if she did this every day, inviting a stranger to live with her.
Try next to impossible, he thought. Month to month rentals were either expensive or in the worst neighborhoods, where you felt like you needed a tetanus shot just to walk through the door. He'd given up his apartment because he'd planned to live with Kate.
“My Byron passed away last year,” she continued. “It'd be nice to have someone in the house again.”
Standing up, she looked down at him. “You're welcome to come take a look.”
“But you don't know me,” he protested, too shocked to even consider it. No one did this out of the goodness of their heart. Not in New York City. Not to a stranger they met in a park.
She gave him a warm smile. “I have a good feeling about you. I'm rarely a bad judge of character.” She tugged at her leash. “Come on, Bugsy, let's go home.”
“Bugsy? As in Benjamin Siegelbaum?” He grabbed his sketchbook and stood up.
She beamed. “See? I knew you were a kindred spirit.”
He followed her home, and was unable to believe his eyes when he saw the mansion. The apartment at the top was incredible. It was more than just a guest room.
“My husband used to run a casino here, back in the day.” She pointed to the mirror above the fireplace. “That's an observation room.”
“I can't take this.”
June, as she'd introduced herself, shook her head. “Yes you can, and you will. I will not take 'no' for an answer.”
As he stood on the balcony looking out at the city, Neal knew he didn't deserve this. He was a criminal. Someone who conned and cheated. It wasn't right of him to be here, to take advantage of her. Turning around, he blurted out, “I'm a thief. A forger.”
His face flushed and he backpedaled and quickly added, “But I also paint my own stuff. I've contacted an agent to help me show my work.”
She smiled knowingly, but didn't appear disturbed by it. “That's a good start.”
A start. She was right. But he didn't know if he could ever give up the cons. They had been what set him free, allowed him to take charge of his life.
He wanted to pay her, but she wouldn't accept it. Told him that all she wanted was a Neal Caffrey original. Neal knew he'd give that to her and more. One day he'd pay her back.
Mozzie was surprised, and highly suspicious, but June won him over pretty quickly. He moved in the next day, and found himself sipping Italian roast coffee on the balcony with June the following morning. It felt like a dream, one that Neal didn't want to wake up from, but all he had to do was look down at his wrist and remember.
One week later he finally told June that he was a breeder. He couldn't keep it from her. She had been sympathetic, and told him her house was open to him whenever he needed it. Neal didn't want her pity, but was too grateful for the offer. June went on to ask him about his meeting with the agent, and he realized that it really didn't matter to her. None of it did. Not that he was a con man or a breeder. She accepted him as if he was family, and that meant more to Neal than he ever could have imagined.
*~*~*~*
The next few weeks flew by for Sara. Work kept her busy, and she found herself spending most nights with Neal. Normally she'd start a relationship slow, but she'd thrown caution to the wind and jumped in headfirst, as clichéd as it sounded. She told herself it was because he had to leave soon, but subconsciously she knew that it was different this time.
Their relationship was unlike any she'd been in before. Not just because of who Neal was, but because most guys were intimidated by her. But not Neal. He practically encouraged that side of her, even teaching her how to pick handcuffs. Oh, he still had a romantic side, taking her to dinner and a play, or buying her chocolates (only the best imported from Europe). She attended the opening of his latest show and they spent Thanksgiving together-her watching the parade while he made them a gourmet meal that certainly put the normal turkey and dressing to shame.
It was casual and fun, and yet each day it felt decisively more real and serious. They didn't talk about the elephant in the room, though. They had less than a little over a month before he had to leave. If Sara were honest, she didn't know how they were going to handle it. She knew and accepted his life. He hadn't kept anything from her, but he also didn't tell her much about it.
It was all theoretical in her mind-the idea of Neal pregnant. She'd researched some and the facts were all there-morning sickness, weight gain and childbirth. But actually picturing Neal pregnant was another issue entirely. He talked about it so matter-of-factly that it seemed like he thought of it as something normal. And perhaps it was to him now. But for her, she knew it would be quite an eye opener.
Sara didn't hold it against him, and wasn't put off by it. She wouldn't still be around if that were the case. In her mind, it was just something to get through. It wouldn't be easy, she knew that, but it also wasn't the end of the world.
It was a big commitment, though. She would have to make the time to visit him. If this did go somewhere, she had six years of trips to Long Island ahead of her. It scared her a little, that she was thinking so far in advance, but it wasn't fair to Neal if she didn't look ahead. She'd only have herself to blame if she didn't.
*~*~*~*
“You're taking her to Vienna?” Mozzie sputtered.
Neal looked at his friend calmly. “If this is your way of complaining that I don’t have any time for you any more, it's not going to work. You didn't want to go with me. As I recall, you refuse to celebrate Christmas.”
Mozzie opened his mouth and Neal held up a hand. “And I don't want to hear your rant on Christmas again, either.” His friend deflated and went for his wine glass.
“It's just too commercial,” he muttered.
“Here in the US? Yeah, I get that. But I don't see what your problem is with Christmas markets, musical concerts and mulled wine.”
Mozzie gave him a halfhearted shrug, conceding his point. “Okay fine, maybe Europe's better and I wouldn't mind the wine.”
Neal shook his head and grinned. “Well, you're welcome to come with us.”
“And be the third wheel? No thank you.”
Neal shrugged. “Your loss.” He got up and went rummaging in his fridge for something to eat.
Mozzie put his glass down on the table and glanced at him. He hesitated slightly. “Isn't this a little fast?”
Turning around with Thai takeout, Neal raised an eyebrow. “I don't exactly have a lot of time, Moz.”
“Yes, I know that. I just mean,” Mozzie waved a hand around, “have you talked to her? Really talked to her? It's all well and good that she knows the truth, and has accepted it so far, but until she experiences you in all your overweight and hormonal glory, it's just a fling.”
Neal dumped his leftovers on a plate and showed it in the microwave.
Mozzie sighed. “Hey, I'm just trying to look out for you, that's all. You swore off dating after Kate and I don't want to watch you go through that again.”
“Sara's different.”
“Yes, I'm quite aware of that, but it's still a lot to ask of her, and if you want this to work, you're going to have to prepare her. It's one thing on an intellectual level, but it's another to see you,” Mozzie waved a hand mimicking Neal's pregnant belly in the air, “you know, round.”
Neal glared at him. “Gee, thanks. I wasn't aware of that.”
“Sorry, mon frère, it's the truth. You're used to it by now, but the rest of us? It's a little much to handle.”
“You think I like dealing with it? For months at a time, I can't even see my own dick.”
A pained look crossed his face. “More than I need to know, my friend. Just... just talk to her. And if she can't handle it, then you won't have to go through that heartbreak again.”
Neal sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “As if that's any easier.”
Mozzie shook his head sadly. “I know. And I'm sorry, man. But better to rip off the band-aid than to prolong it.”
*~*~*~*
Neal knew Mozzie was right. And he had meant to talk to Sara, but it never seemed like the right time. With the holidays approaching, she was busy with work before they took off for Vienna and he was trying to enjoy the little bit of time they had left.
More importantly, he didn't want to ruin it. Kate had broken his heart, and it had hurt-badly. But this time, he felt like it could work. For one, he wasn't twenty-two and fresh out of college, looking at thirteen years of breeding ahead of him. Neal also hadn't dumped it on Sara. They were adults, and they had both gone into it with their eyes wide open.
Yet, he knew that didn't mean anything. Sara could still react the same way as Kate had. It was a hard reality to accept. It still felt strange to Neal some days and he'd already gone through it four times.
He'd seen what it did to relationships. Not just to him and Adam, but he'd met others who had lost friends and family. His friend Julia had volunteered after being unemployed for two years. She and her husband had both moved onto the campus and he commuted to the city daily. Did Neal want to do that to Sara? Another had her marriage strained by the months they were separated, and got divorced after he was transferred to the west coast.
Neal had promised himself years ago that he wouldn't put this on someone, but he'd fallen for Sara before he could stop himself. It wasn't fair to her, and quite honestly, he didn't know what to do.
In the end, he put it off, and then decided not to ruin their trip, so he waited. But his time was running out. He didn't know what scared him more-the possibility of losing her now or later.
*~*~*~*
Sara turned over, tugging the comforter closer around her shoulders. But something made her pause, even in her sleepy state. She opened her eyes and saw that she was alone in the bed. Waking up further, she pushed herself up and looked out into the loft. In the pale moonlight, she could see Neal sitting in front of the floor to ceiling windows, staring out. Glancing at the alarm clock on his nightstand, and noting the time, she wondered what he was doing up at three a.m.
They had returned to New York two days ago, and while the rest of the world was counting down to New Year’s, they were counting down to his departure. He'd been scheduled to return on New Year’s day, but he'd managed to sweet talk the coordinator to push it back one more day. It was a holiday after all.
With only three days until he left, she knew it was weighing heavily on him. He barely talked about it, and had clamped down when she brought it up briefly before their trip. So she said nothing and instead chose to enjoy the holiday. They couldn't ignore it forever, though.
Sliding out of bed, she looked around for her robe then opted to just wrap the comforter around her. It was cold in the airy loft. She padded out with the comforter trailing behind her, dragging on the floor.
“Neal?” she called out softly as she neared him. He looked so lost in thought, she almost didn't want to disturb him.
He looked up surprised to see her standing there. “Sara! Did I wake you?”
She shook her head and settled down on the floor next to him. “No, but I did notice the bed was decidedly colder without a certain someone.” Sara held out the comforter, and he shook his head.
“Sorry about that.”
“It's fine. So what woke you up so early? Still on Austrian time?” She bumped his shoulder playfully and he smiled softly.
“No, not quite. Just couldn't sleep.” He glanced out the window. “Too much on my mind.”
Sara paused, following his gaze, looking out at the city lit up in front of them. She couldn't imagine uprooting her life every year. But he needed to know he wasn't alone this time. They had put it off for long enough, but it was time to talk.
“I shouldn't have done this,” he said suddenly, surprising her.
She looked at him concerned, something about his tone had her worried. “Done what?”
“Put this on you. Years ago, I promised myself I wouldn't do it to anyone, put them through this.” His voice cracked, but he still didn't look at her. “I haven't been in a relationship since.”
Sara felt her heart catch in her throat. Her fingers clenched tightly at the edges of the comforter and she tugged it around her tighter. She understood his fears, but she wasn’t ready to lose him now. “Neal, I didn’t jump into this blind. I knew what I was getting into.”
He shook his head. “You don’t. It’s… it's not pretty. And I still have years to go. You shouldn’t have to wait on me.”
“It’s not waiting if I’m in it with you-together. That’s a relationship. As for the rest? Well, life isn’t pretty. If you’re scared I’m going to freak out, then prepare me. I want to hear it-all of it. Let me decide. But I can tell you this, I’m a big girl. I can take it.”
She paused then grinned and shrugged lightly. "Besides, I like being the prettier one."
Neal let out a short laugh and turned to face her. He hesitated a second. “Kate said she’d be okay with it too. But she bolted as soon as she saw the reality."
“She was your college girlfriend, right?” Sara asked, and Neal nodded. “And she was what, twenty-two? Just graduated from college? That was a lot for her, and honestly I can’t blame her.”
She sighed, and reached for his hand. “I know it hurt, but Neal, were you even ready? I mean, you knew for years, but I bet it was still terrifying for you. Both of you were young, and I can tell you at that age, I wasn’t ready for a long term relationship. I was just trying to find my way in the world.”
The air hung heavy in the stillness of the night, and neither one said anything for a moment. She held her breath waiting, afraid she wouldn't be able to change his mind, that this was it.
“I just…” he took a deep breath. “I just thought if I could keep her, I could pretend that I still had a normal life. That it didn’t matter. But it did, and she couldn’t look at me, couldn’t touch me.”
“Hey, look at me,” she said softly. He looked up at her, and her heart broke at the pain in his eyes. “Are any of us really normal? I can tell you that I get bored with normal. I mean, look at what I do for a living! Most guys, once they start to see who I really am, run the other way, because I’m not your average girl. Quite frankly, I think that’s why we work so well together.”
Really, that was the truth of the matter. They were good together. She still couldn’t explain why she’d fallen for a guy like him, but she had, and he had opened himself up to her when he should have been fleeing the country.
“So, lay it on me, because I’m not letting you walk away from this.”
For the next hour he told her everything. Sara listened patiently, stopped him only a few times to ask questions. She’d already read about a lot of it, but hearing it from him rather than a clinical website brought it to life. He opened up about how hard it was to hear the baby's heartbeat, and later feel it kick, only to give it up without ever seeing it. He didn't mince words, telling her what he went through, and what to expect as hormones raged rampant in him, and sent him on rollercoasters of highs and lows.
She didn't let go of his hand and silently offered him the love and support he obviously needed. He was close to breaking, and it hurt to watch him so scared to open up and share a side he normally kept away from everyone.
When they returned to bed, and he wrapped his arms around her tighter than normal, she said nothing of it. Neal was right, it wasn’t going to be pretty or easy, but if anything she’d learned over the years, nothing ever was.
~ Fin ~
Notes: I want to thank sapphire2309, algeiban, sherylyn and everyone else who has helped me over the past several months. I know I worried too much, so thank you for holding my hand and helping me fix the last few things that were bugging me. I might not have posted for a lot longer otherwise! (seriously, this has been sitting on my computer for nearly a year)
I hope to write a few timestamps in this AU and I have what can be considered Part Two of this fic about 75% done. I split it in half because it was just getting too long. We will get to see more of our favorite characters show up and some plot! I just can't promise when they'll be posted. I'm slow-VERY slow and I'm currently working on my other verse. But my muse, she is fickle and I've been jumping around. So, keep an eye out!
Anyways, thanks for sticking it out to the end. I hope you enjoyed my crazy little crack fic!
Author: reve_silencieux
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairing: Neal, Sara, Mozzie, Kate, June (N/S)
Spoilers: None
Warnings: Spoiler! Highlight to read if you don't like certain tropes - MPREG
Word Count: 25,700 (This chapter: 4,950)
Beta: algeiban
Summary: An AU where Sara finds Neal first. What she does after that... well, Neal is pretty charming, and he's nothing like what she imagined.
Previous Chapters: Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four
Chapter Five
It was hard to get excited about your day when you knew you were about to squeeze an eight pound baby out a tiny little opening that you shouldn't have to begin with. He had been both dreading and anxiously waiting for this day. His due date had come and gone four days ago, and he was way past uncomfortable and going on cranky and miserable.
In the past few months, Neal had grown larger than he’d thought humanly possible. When he'd finally allowed Mozzie to visit during his eighth month, his friend's eyes had bugged out and he so eloquently blurted, “Holy humpback whale, you're huge!”
While he'd had months to ease into his new body, it was hard to reconcile the image in the mirror with the man who used to sneak through narrow air vents not so long ago. He lacked his usual grace, and forget about possessing any stealth, he waddled and bumped into everything around. There were times he'd wake up and stare at his stomach amazed, unable to believe his eyes.
Then the baby would kick and he'd need to pee, and life resumed its slow stroll to this inevitable day.
He'd been on bed rest for the past month, it was required of everyone, and was increasingly going stir-crazy. Even though he lacked the energy these days to swim or even walk the entire mile around campus, he wanted to stretch his legs and breathe fresh air. All meals were delivered to them, and their weekly outing to their doctor's appointment was chauffeured.
So Neal was more than ready to have this baby.
Most days he was too tired to do much more than a couple hours of painting and had taken to reading and watching TV... and falling asleep an hour later. Even Josh's enthusiastic game playing usually ended with him asleep and dead on the screen. Adam was fighting to stay awake during his online classes, a feat Neal could only applaud him for, memories of long coffee filled days and nights burned into his brain. He didn't think he could take one class now, much less a full course load.
Naturally, he was terrified of actually giving birth. Adam had tried to prepare him and Josh, and they had taken birthing classes as well, but Neal knew he was no more ready to give birth than he was to pilot a fighter jet at mach 1.
Adam had been whisked away during the middle of the night two weeks ago, and come back looking no worse for wear. Neal figured it got easier once you'd done it before, or at least he sure hoped so. Josh had delivered last week and his comment had been, “It was one hell of a ride.” He didn't take too much comfort from that considering the guy spent his days shooting monsters for fun.
And now it was his turn. He'd been at the hospital for four hours now, and they told him he still had a ways to go. Amazing what a difference four centimeters made. It was hard to believe that the baby he’d felt moving and kicking inside him for months now would come out at all.
This might be the natural way of things, but nothing about it felt natural to him.
Neal hadn't been in this much pain since he was eight and had fallen off the jungle gym and broken his arm in two places. He would gladly take that now over the pain radiating through his back and abdomen every few minutes. Clutching at the railing on the wall, he breathed through his mouth slowly, waiting for the contraction to pass. Unable to stay in bed any longer, he'd been walking for the past half hour. No one batted an eye at him as he stopped and groaned nearly every time he lapped the delivery wing.
He'd had small contractions for three hours before his water broke earlier that morning. Only then had Neal finally pushed the button on his bracelet. 'Oh, shit,' had been all that came to mind when he'd felt his soaked pants and realized he couldn't put it off any longer.
He straightened up and resumed his slow shuffle, gripping the IV pole in one hand and his other hand cradling his stomach. It felt wrong that after nine months, he was just going to hand over this baby. He never would see the baby, much less hold it. Now, more than ever, it angered him how he was viewed, an incubator and nothing more.
As the hours had worn on, he’d wished that just once they would look at them as human beings. Neal found out during his classes that he wouldn’t be given much pain relief. An epidural often slowed down labor, and had a whole long list of possible complications that they were not willing to risk. What Neal read into it-they didn’t want to have to resort to an emergency C-section and they were more concerned about preserving his body for his years of childbirth ahead than making it bearable for him. The drugs they did give him were mild, because anything more would reach the baby's bloodstream.
He’d long ago given up, having no energy to fight a losing battle. It only served to upset him more, and right now, he knew he just had to get through it.
He bent over as another contraction hit, and bit his lip to keep from crying out. Why him? He wasn’t getting anything out of this. He wouldn’t be able to proudly show off a baby to all his friends. No, he was just going to be sent back to his dorm without so much as a ‘thank you.’
Neal cursed his parents-for his father to be so greedy that he forced this life on his family. To have forgotten that he was hurting them as well. For his mother, who'd chosen the easy way out. Who put it all on his shoulders. They weren't there to see what they'd done to him.
No one was. He was alone. There was no one there to help him, to distract him from the pain. No friend or loved one who could share in the joy because it wasn’t his. Science had taken that away, reducing childbirth to a clinical, medical procedure. And he was the one who had to suffer through it.
Five hours later he was finally pushing and when he heard the wail of the baby, he nearly wept in relief. No matter how much it angered him, this life they forced on him, he had done it. Nine months ago, it had seemed impossible, a foreign and scary concept that he would give birth to this baby, that he could do it at all. But he had, there was a baby out there screaming and kicking, and it was all because of him.
The absence of the baby inside him was bittersweet though. He ran a hand over his stomach, now only slightly rounded, and oddly missed the flutter and kick. It had been his only constant companion during the past several months. A reason to keep going, a reminder of what was at the end.
It was hard to just give it up, to not hold it in his arms. He’d been protecting it for so long, cradling his stomach without thought, that it hurt just to walk away. But that’s what he had to do, and would have to do for years to come. He was just the womb and that’s all he would ever be.
*~*~*~*
He'd given up his apartment when he'd left, so Mozzie said he could stay with him at one of his safehouses for the time being. But as much as Neal loved his friend, he was not the best roommate. And that said a lot, considering Neal had lived the past year with two pregnant men. The man's paranoia ran high normally, but living with it was another issue.
Neal had to get out. He'd been taking long walks every day, just to stretch his legs and feel the freedom of going wherever he wanted. This morning he'd walked to the water, strolling through Riverside Park. It wasn't as crowded as Central Park, but there were plenty of joggers and people walking their dogs. After an hour, he settled down on a bench and stared out at the water lapping the river's edge. He'd missed this city so much.
He never would have thought he'd miss it as much as he did. But it was his home, and it had become a part of him. Living landlocked and confined to a small campus had been the least of his worries, but it had been hard. Neal liked to expand his wings, go where the wind took him, take a sketchbook and explore the city.
Three months wasn't enough.
It was going to be even harder to go back next time.
“You look like you need a hug. It's not going to disappear, I promise.”
Neal looked up at the soft voice. An older woman, beautiful and serene, wearing a long cashmere coat, matching scarf and soft leather gloves, stood there holding the leash to a small pug at her feet. She smiled gently.
“I've been gone awhile,” he said and nodded out towards the water. “I've missed this.”
“And yet you still look so sad, as if it's going to slip through your fingers.” She sat down next to him and folded the leash in her lap.
Neal hesitated. It was hard to explain. He never offered up this side of him to strangers. “I'm not back for long.”
“How long?”
“Three months.”
She hummed softly and gave him a small, knowing smile. “Well then, you must make the most of it, and when you return, the city will welcome you back with its loving arms.”
He wasn't so sure about that. Neal thought his heart might break next time.
“At least you're home for the holidays.”
Neal had to pause at that. He hadn't given the holidays much thought, honestly. He'd been so focused on getting through his first cycle that he'd just been happy to leave.
“I don't really have plans. My best friend says Christmas is ‘an invention of the modern retailer to coerce the public into buying their junk and increasing their profits.’”
She chuckled and looked out at the water. “Even if you don't celebrate the holiday, it's the season that's important. Spending time with family and friends.”
He'd gone home his first year of college, spent Christmas break with his aunt. They’d stayed in touch over the years, but it became harder the closer it got. She'd felt as responsible as his mother for the life imparted on him. She told him that she had tried to discourage his mother from signing him up, tried to help them out, but his mother had done it anyway.
“You draw?” she asked, changing the subject, nodding towards the sketchbook that sat between them on the bench.
“What?” Neal glanced down. “Oh, yeah. I'm a painter, actually.”
“An artist! I've love to see your work.”
Neal's eyes widened. He was currently living in an abandoned warehouse with Mozzie. While he'd brought some of his work back with him, Neal had sent several pieces to Mozzie to store over the past year. He hadn't even gone to pick them up since he'd returned.
“I... I'm staying with my friend at the moment. My art's in storage.”
She nodded and smiled understandingly. “Ah, I see. As nice as it is that your friend is helping you out, it sounds like you're in a need of your own place. Somewhere to paint?”
“It's only temporary. I'll find a place soon,” he reassured her quickly.
“I have an extra guestroom that I think you'd find perfect for your needs. Plenty of space and light. I imagine it's hard finding something for a few months,” she said calmly, as if she did this every day, inviting a stranger to live with her.
Try next to impossible, he thought. Month to month rentals were either expensive or in the worst neighborhoods, where you felt like you needed a tetanus shot just to walk through the door. He'd given up his apartment because he'd planned to live with Kate.
“My Byron passed away last year,” she continued. “It'd be nice to have someone in the house again.”
Standing up, she looked down at him. “You're welcome to come take a look.”
“But you don't know me,” he protested, too shocked to even consider it. No one did this out of the goodness of their heart. Not in New York City. Not to a stranger they met in a park.
She gave him a warm smile. “I have a good feeling about you. I'm rarely a bad judge of character.” She tugged at her leash. “Come on, Bugsy, let's go home.”
“Bugsy? As in Benjamin Siegelbaum?” He grabbed his sketchbook and stood up.
She beamed. “See? I knew you were a kindred spirit.”
He followed her home, and was unable to believe his eyes when he saw the mansion. The apartment at the top was incredible. It was more than just a guest room.
“My husband used to run a casino here, back in the day.” She pointed to the mirror above the fireplace. “That's an observation room.”
“I can't take this.”
June, as she'd introduced herself, shook her head. “Yes you can, and you will. I will not take 'no' for an answer.”
As he stood on the balcony looking out at the city, Neal knew he didn't deserve this. He was a criminal. Someone who conned and cheated. It wasn't right of him to be here, to take advantage of her. Turning around, he blurted out, “I'm a thief. A forger.”
His face flushed and he backpedaled and quickly added, “But I also paint my own stuff. I've contacted an agent to help me show my work.”
She smiled knowingly, but didn't appear disturbed by it. “That's a good start.”
A start. She was right. But he didn't know if he could ever give up the cons. They had been what set him free, allowed him to take charge of his life.
He wanted to pay her, but she wouldn't accept it. Told him that all she wanted was a Neal Caffrey original. Neal knew he'd give that to her and more. One day he'd pay her back.
Mozzie was surprised, and highly suspicious, but June won him over pretty quickly. He moved in the next day, and found himself sipping Italian roast coffee on the balcony with June the following morning. It felt like a dream, one that Neal didn't want to wake up from, but all he had to do was look down at his wrist and remember.
One week later he finally told June that he was a breeder. He couldn't keep it from her. She had been sympathetic, and told him her house was open to him whenever he needed it. Neal didn't want her pity, but was too grateful for the offer. June went on to ask him about his meeting with the agent, and he realized that it really didn't matter to her. None of it did. Not that he was a con man or a breeder. She accepted him as if he was family, and that meant more to Neal than he ever could have imagined.
*~*~*~*
The next few weeks flew by for Sara. Work kept her busy, and she found herself spending most nights with Neal. Normally she'd start a relationship slow, but she'd thrown caution to the wind and jumped in headfirst, as clichéd as it sounded. She told herself it was because he had to leave soon, but subconsciously she knew that it was different this time.
Their relationship was unlike any she'd been in before. Not just because of who Neal was, but because most guys were intimidated by her. But not Neal. He practically encouraged that side of her, even teaching her how to pick handcuffs. Oh, he still had a romantic side, taking her to dinner and a play, or buying her chocolates (only the best imported from Europe). She attended the opening of his latest show and they spent Thanksgiving together-her watching the parade while he made them a gourmet meal that certainly put the normal turkey and dressing to shame.
It was casual and fun, and yet each day it felt decisively more real and serious. They didn't talk about the elephant in the room, though. They had less than a little over a month before he had to leave. If Sara were honest, she didn't know how they were going to handle it. She knew and accepted his life. He hadn't kept anything from her, but he also didn't tell her much about it.
It was all theoretical in her mind-the idea of Neal pregnant. She'd researched some and the facts were all there-morning sickness, weight gain and childbirth. But actually picturing Neal pregnant was another issue entirely. He talked about it so matter-of-factly that it seemed like he thought of it as something normal. And perhaps it was to him now. But for her, she knew it would be quite an eye opener.
Sara didn't hold it against him, and wasn't put off by it. She wouldn't still be around if that were the case. In her mind, it was just something to get through. It wouldn't be easy, she knew that, but it also wasn't the end of the world.
It was a big commitment, though. She would have to make the time to visit him. If this did go somewhere, she had six years of trips to Long Island ahead of her. It scared her a little, that she was thinking so far in advance, but it wasn't fair to Neal if she didn't look ahead. She'd only have herself to blame if she didn't.
*~*~*~*
“You're taking her to Vienna?” Mozzie sputtered.
Neal looked at his friend calmly. “If this is your way of complaining that I don’t have any time for you any more, it's not going to work. You didn't want to go with me. As I recall, you refuse to celebrate Christmas.”
Mozzie opened his mouth and Neal held up a hand. “And I don't want to hear your rant on Christmas again, either.” His friend deflated and went for his wine glass.
“It's just too commercial,” he muttered.
“Here in the US? Yeah, I get that. But I don't see what your problem is with Christmas markets, musical concerts and mulled wine.”
Mozzie gave him a halfhearted shrug, conceding his point. “Okay fine, maybe Europe's better and I wouldn't mind the wine.”
Neal shook his head and grinned. “Well, you're welcome to come with us.”
“And be the third wheel? No thank you.”
Neal shrugged. “Your loss.” He got up and went rummaging in his fridge for something to eat.
Mozzie put his glass down on the table and glanced at him. He hesitated slightly. “Isn't this a little fast?”
Turning around with Thai takeout, Neal raised an eyebrow. “I don't exactly have a lot of time, Moz.”
“Yes, I know that. I just mean,” Mozzie waved a hand around, “have you talked to her? Really talked to her? It's all well and good that she knows the truth, and has accepted it so far, but until she experiences you in all your overweight and hormonal glory, it's just a fling.”
Neal dumped his leftovers on a plate and showed it in the microwave.
Mozzie sighed. “Hey, I'm just trying to look out for you, that's all. You swore off dating after Kate and I don't want to watch you go through that again.”
“Sara's different.”
“Yes, I'm quite aware of that, but it's still a lot to ask of her, and if you want this to work, you're going to have to prepare her. It's one thing on an intellectual level, but it's another to see you,” Mozzie waved a hand mimicking Neal's pregnant belly in the air, “you know, round.”
Neal glared at him. “Gee, thanks. I wasn't aware of that.”
“Sorry, mon frère, it's the truth. You're used to it by now, but the rest of us? It's a little much to handle.”
“You think I like dealing with it? For months at a time, I can't even see my own dick.”
A pained look crossed his face. “More than I need to know, my friend. Just... just talk to her. And if she can't handle it, then you won't have to go through that heartbreak again.”
Neal sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “As if that's any easier.”
Mozzie shook his head sadly. “I know. And I'm sorry, man. But better to rip off the band-aid than to prolong it.”
*~*~*~*
Neal knew Mozzie was right. And he had meant to talk to Sara, but it never seemed like the right time. With the holidays approaching, she was busy with work before they took off for Vienna and he was trying to enjoy the little bit of time they had left.
More importantly, he didn't want to ruin it. Kate had broken his heart, and it had hurt-badly. But this time, he felt like it could work. For one, he wasn't twenty-two and fresh out of college, looking at thirteen years of breeding ahead of him. Neal also hadn't dumped it on Sara. They were adults, and they had both gone into it with their eyes wide open.
Yet, he knew that didn't mean anything. Sara could still react the same way as Kate had. It was a hard reality to accept. It still felt strange to Neal some days and he'd already gone through it four times.
He'd seen what it did to relationships. Not just to him and Adam, but he'd met others who had lost friends and family. His friend Julia had volunteered after being unemployed for two years. She and her husband had both moved onto the campus and he commuted to the city daily. Did Neal want to do that to Sara? Another had her marriage strained by the months they were separated, and got divorced after he was transferred to the west coast.
Neal had promised himself years ago that he wouldn't put this on someone, but he'd fallen for Sara before he could stop himself. It wasn't fair to her, and quite honestly, he didn't know what to do.
In the end, he put it off, and then decided not to ruin their trip, so he waited. But his time was running out. He didn't know what scared him more-the possibility of losing her now or later.
*~*~*~*
Sara turned over, tugging the comforter closer around her shoulders. But something made her pause, even in her sleepy state. She opened her eyes and saw that she was alone in the bed. Waking up further, she pushed herself up and looked out into the loft. In the pale moonlight, she could see Neal sitting in front of the floor to ceiling windows, staring out. Glancing at the alarm clock on his nightstand, and noting the time, she wondered what he was doing up at three a.m.
They had returned to New York two days ago, and while the rest of the world was counting down to New Year’s, they were counting down to his departure. He'd been scheduled to return on New Year’s day, but he'd managed to sweet talk the coordinator to push it back one more day. It was a holiday after all.
With only three days until he left, she knew it was weighing heavily on him. He barely talked about it, and had clamped down when she brought it up briefly before their trip. So she said nothing and instead chose to enjoy the holiday. They couldn't ignore it forever, though.
Sliding out of bed, she looked around for her robe then opted to just wrap the comforter around her. It was cold in the airy loft. She padded out with the comforter trailing behind her, dragging on the floor.
“Neal?” she called out softly as she neared him. He looked so lost in thought, she almost didn't want to disturb him.
He looked up surprised to see her standing there. “Sara! Did I wake you?”
She shook her head and settled down on the floor next to him. “No, but I did notice the bed was decidedly colder without a certain someone.” Sara held out the comforter, and he shook his head.
“Sorry about that.”
“It's fine. So what woke you up so early? Still on Austrian time?” She bumped his shoulder playfully and he smiled softly.
“No, not quite. Just couldn't sleep.” He glanced out the window. “Too much on my mind.”
Sara paused, following his gaze, looking out at the city lit up in front of them. She couldn't imagine uprooting her life every year. But he needed to know he wasn't alone this time. They had put it off for long enough, but it was time to talk.
“I shouldn't have done this,” he said suddenly, surprising her.
She looked at him concerned, something about his tone had her worried. “Done what?”
“Put this on you. Years ago, I promised myself I wouldn't do it to anyone, put them through this.” His voice cracked, but he still didn't look at her. “I haven't been in a relationship since.”
Sara felt her heart catch in her throat. Her fingers clenched tightly at the edges of the comforter and she tugged it around her tighter. She understood his fears, but she wasn’t ready to lose him now. “Neal, I didn’t jump into this blind. I knew what I was getting into.”
He shook his head. “You don’t. It’s… it's not pretty. And I still have years to go. You shouldn’t have to wait on me.”
“It’s not waiting if I’m in it with you-together. That’s a relationship. As for the rest? Well, life isn’t pretty. If you’re scared I’m going to freak out, then prepare me. I want to hear it-all of it. Let me decide. But I can tell you this, I’m a big girl. I can take it.”
She paused then grinned and shrugged lightly. "Besides, I like being the prettier one."
Neal let out a short laugh and turned to face her. He hesitated a second. “Kate said she’d be okay with it too. But she bolted as soon as she saw the reality."
“She was your college girlfriend, right?” Sara asked, and Neal nodded. “And she was what, twenty-two? Just graduated from college? That was a lot for her, and honestly I can’t blame her.”
She sighed, and reached for his hand. “I know it hurt, but Neal, were you even ready? I mean, you knew for years, but I bet it was still terrifying for you. Both of you were young, and I can tell you at that age, I wasn’t ready for a long term relationship. I was just trying to find my way in the world.”
The air hung heavy in the stillness of the night, and neither one said anything for a moment. She held her breath waiting, afraid she wouldn't be able to change his mind, that this was it.
“I just…” he took a deep breath. “I just thought if I could keep her, I could pretend that I still had a normal life. That it didn’t matter. But it did, and she couldn’t look at me, couldn’t touch me.”
“Hey, look at me,” she said softly. He looked up at her, and her heart broke at the pain in his eyes. “Are any of us really normal? I can tell you that I get bored with normal. I mean, look at what I do for a living! Most guys, once they start to see who I really am, run the other way, because I’m not your average girl. Quite frankly, I think that’s why we work so well together.”
Really, that was the truth of the matter. They were good together. She still couldn’t explain why she’d fallen for a guy like him, but she had, and he had opened himself up to her when he should have been fleeing the country.
“So, lay it on me, because I’m not letting you walk away from this.”
For the next hour he told her everything. Sara listened patiently, stopped him only a few times to ask questions. She’d already read about a lot of it, but hearing it from him rather than a clinical website brought it to life. He opened up about how hard it was to hear the baby's heartbeat, and later feel it kick, only to give it up without ever seeing it. He didn't mince words, telling her what he went through, and what to expect as hormones raged rampant in him, and sent him on rollercoasters of highs and lows.
She didn't let go of his hand and silently offered him the love and support he obviously needed. He was close to breaking, and it hurt to watch him so scared to open up and share a side he normally kept away from everyone.
When they returned to bed, and he wrapped his arms around her tighter than normal, she said nothing of it. Neal was right, it wasn’t going to be pretty or easy, but if anything she’d learned over the years, nothing ever was.
~ Fin ~
Notes: I want to thank sapphire2309, algeiban, sherylyn and everyone else who has helped me over the past several months. I know I worried too much, so thank you for holding my hand and helping me fix the last few things that were bugging me. I might not have posted for a lot longer otherwise! (seriously, this has been sitting on my computer for nearly a year)
I hope to write a few timestamps in this AU and I have what can be considered Part Two of this fic about 75% done. I split it in half because it was just getting too long. We will get to see more of our favorite characters show up and some plot! I just can't promise when they'll be posted. I'm slow-VERY slow and I'm currently working on my other verse. But my muse, she is fickle and I've been jumping around. So, keep an eye out!
Anyways, thanks for sticking it out to the end. I hope you enjoyed my crazy little crack fic!