(no subject)
Transgender Equality Network Ireland are running a project called Trans Voices at the moment. It involves producing a book in which transpeople share their stories, poetry and artwork. I submitted a piece for it today and thought I would share it here too. This is just the draft version and it still needs to be edited so it probably won't appear in this form for the book if it makes the cut at all but I'm interested to see what people think. Also misguidance; yes I am talking about you! :D
I knew from a very early age there was something different about me. I wasn’t interested in playing the games the other little girls played or wearing the kind of clothes they wore. I preferred to be with the boys climbing trees or kicking a ball. When we played pretend games I was always a male character much to the chagrin of my playmates. As I got older I increasingly rejected skirts and dresses and begged my mother to let me have my hair cut short. It was cut shorter, but never quite to the extent I wanted, to me it always looked girly… like someone else’s hair that had been transplanted onto my head.
When puberty hit my mind disassociated itself from my appearance completely! I started unconsciously to hunch my shoulders to hide my swelling chest and wore baseball caps and football jerseys at every opportunity. It gave me a real thrill to be ‘mistaken’ for a boy. I started comfort eating and doubled my weight by the time I was 26. At 21 I moved to London for college and 3 years later I joined a Dungeons and Dragons group and met someone who has since become one of my closest friends. When she told me 6 months or so later that she was transgender and actually a “he” I didn’t realise immediately the significance of the event. As I watched him struggle with his transition I slowly began to realise how much I identified with his stories of feeling “wrong”. I tried to shut it out. I threw away all my masculine clothes and starts shopping in female departments but within a year I became so depressed that I knew I had to do something or die. I decided to investigate that side of myself that I had tried so hard to suppress.
In May 2007 I wandered into The Other Place café and resource centre in Cork and told the guy in there that I thought I might be transgender he told me about the Trans group that met there on the first Wednesay of every month. I attended their June meeting and was amazed to see how many people were there. Over the next few months I cut my hair, bought men’s clothes again and ordered some chest binders and a packer from internet sites I found while researching. The first time I looked in the mirror after struggling my way into my new binder was a wonderful experience. For the first time in 13 years I was able to look at my reflection and genuinely smile. It was an amazing feeling. While the friends I came out to in that time were amazingly supportive, the family story was a little bit different. My mother was quite hostile to the idea and is still of the opinion that I was “brainwashed” by the gay community. The loss of my relationship with her is still deeply upsetting to me but I am thankful for the good friends I have around me both old and new.
In January 2008 I attended a weekend in Dungarvan hosted by TENI for the country’s transgender community and their partners. It was the first time I had been exclusively called Ben and referred to as male and I had never felt so comfortable in a group of strangers. It confirmed for me that I was at last on the right track. I went to see a GP and started counselling sessions.
I started testosterone therapy in December 2009 and I have never looked back. Although coming out and making the transition at work was difficult and ultimately contributed to my decision to leave my job I now have hope when I look towards the future. I am now a volunteer member of stall at The Other Place and a co-facilitator of the same Trans group that I walked into 5 years ago with all my questions. In October 2011 I also joined the TENI Board of Directors. For the first time, the work I do has some meaning to me and there is much I look forward to.
I look forward to a time after chest surgery when I can go shirtless on the beach with all the other guys and to finding someone I can share my life with. I look forward to getting an accurate birth certificate when the Irish government brings in legal recognition at last. Most of all though, I look forward to the day when my family can finally accept me for the person I am and we can rebuild our relationship.
I now have a lot of hope for the future, and I want to be around to see it happen!
I knew from a very early age there was something different about me. I wasn’t interested in playing the games the other little girls played or wearing the kind of clothes they wore. I preferred to be with the boys climbing trees or kicking a ball. When we played pretend games I was always a male character much to the chagrin of my playmates. As I got older I increasingly rejected skirts and dresses and begged my mother to let me have my hair cut short. It was cut shorter, but never quite to the extent I wanted, to me it always looked girly… like someone else’s hair that had been transplanted onto my head.
When puberty hit my mind disassociated itself from my appearance completely! I started unconsciously to hunch my shoulders to hide my swelling chest and wore baseball caps and football jerseys at every opportunity. It gave me a real thrill to be ‘mistaken’ for a boy. I started comfort eating and doubled my weight by the time I was 26. At 21 I moved to London for college and 3 years later I joined a Dungeons and Dragons group and met someone who has since become one of my closest friends. When she told me 6 months or so later that she was transgender and actually a “he” I didn’t realise immediately the significance of the event. As I watched him struggle with his transition I slowly began to realise how much I identified with his stories of feeling “wrong”. I tried to shut it out. I threw away all my masculine clothes and starts shopping in female departments but within a year I became so depressed that I knew I had to do something or die. I decided to investigate that side of myself that I had tried so hard to suppress.
In May 2007 I wandered into The Other Place café and resource centre in Cork and told the guy in there that I thought I might be transgender he told me about the Trans group that met there on the first Wednesay of every month. I attended their June meeting and was amazed to see how many people were there. Over the next few months I cut my hair, bought men’s clothes again and ordered some chest binders and a packer from internet sites I found while researching. The first time I looked in the mirror after struggling my way into my new binder was a wonderful experience. For the first time in 13 years I was able to look at my reflection and genuinely smile. It was an amazing feeling. While the friends I came out to in that time were amazingly supportive, the family story was a little bit different. My mother was quite hostile to the idea and is still of the opinion that I was “brainwashed” by the gay community. The loss of my relationship with her is still deeply upsetting to me but I am thankful for the good friends I have around me both old and new.
In January 2008 I attended a weekend in Dungarvan hosted by TENI for the country’s transgender community and their partners. It was the first time I had been exclusively called Ben and referred to as male and I had never felt so comfortable in a group of strangers. It confirmed for me that I was at last on the right track. I went to see a GP and started counselling sessions.
I started testosterone therapy in December 2009 and I have never looked back. Although coming out and making the transition at work was difficult and ultimately contributed to my decision to leave my job I now have hope when I look towards the future. I am now a volunteer member of stall at The Other Place and a co-facilitator of the same Trans group that I walked into 5 years ago with all my questions. In October 2011 I also joined the TENI Board of Directors. For the first time, the work I do has some meaning to me and there is much I look forward to.
I look forward to a time after chest surgery when I can go shirtless on the beach with all the other guys and to finding someone I can share my life with. I look forward to getting an accurate birth certificate when the Irish government brings in legal recognition at last. Most of all though, I look forward to the day when my family can finally accept me for the person I am and we can rebuild our relationship.
I now have a lot of hope for the future, and I want to be around to see it happen!