(no subject)
there are certain details that switch on the memory machine in my head. it plays sort of like the old record player in my basement. some of the noise fragmented, some of the memory left behind somewhere.
songs, specific tracks, jump the wires connected to the nostalgic wave system in my head. i realized this, most distinctively, this past week. Iron and Wine's "faded from the winter" played for the first time in many months. I had tried to bottle a lot of my favorite songs from last year, in an attempt to keep them new, never old. i had hoped this would have renewed their feeling and help keep them from aging in my head.
as the intro began on Wednesday i could remember my nights with the shakes, sobbing, quietly with that song. echoing the lyrics back to myself and deep breathing the melody.
i can't remember why i was crying last year on any specific accounts, and why the song made me sad on those nights. i can't exactly remember whether i was crying over my broken heart -or yours.
But as I was listening, even though Wednesday was a decently happy day, (as they are more and more frequently)i cried into my pink floral sheets. It was as if the salt from those many past tears rose out of the fibers and burnt my fragile eyes. The red spider webs in my eyes connected that past to my present.
but i like that song; i think i always will.
sometimes, in the most twisted way, i like feeling sad, i feel satisfied remembering sad details. will told me something that he learned in psych class that night. something about sad times and how all they do is trigger more sad memories. and how i should just remember happy times to trigger happy memories.
Driving around on Friday with Kacie and Nico, i was persistently trying to think of good memories in my head. but so many of them ran false characters, people who have turned away from me, or people i have let go. those happy moments are now stained.
i realize i do this all purposefully and skillfully. maybe it is to counteract a good day, to beat myself down a bit, to inflict a psychological pain, to make myself feel reality's pull.
maybe I'm not satisfied with just feeling okay.
somewhere in this wormy brain of mine there is a bright and obvious cord unplugged, hanging down the wall, waiting for the day someone sees it and plugs it back in.
songs, specific tracks, jump the wires connected to the nostalgic wave system in my head. i realized this, most distinctively, this past week. Iron and Wine's "faded from the winter" played for the first time in many months. I had tried to bottle a lot of my favorite songs from last year, in an attempt to keep them new, never old. i had hoped this would have renewed their feeling and help keep them from aging in my head.
as the intro began on Wednesday i could remember my nights with the shakes, sobbing, quietly with that song. echoing the lyrics back to myself and deep breathing the melody.
i can't remember why i was crying last year on any specific accounts, and why the song made me sad on those nights. i can't exactly remember whether i was crying over my broken heart -or yours.
But as I was listening, even though Wednesday was a decently happy day, (as they are more and more frequently)i cried into my pink floral sheets. It was as if the salt from those many past tears rose out of the fibers and burnt my fragile eyes. The red spider webs in my eyes connected that past to my present.
but i like that song; i think i always will.
sometimes, in the most twisted way, i like feeling sad, i feel satisfied remembering sad details. will told me something that he learned in psych class that night. something about sad times and how all they do is trigger more sad memories. and how i should just remember happy times to trigger happy memories.
Driving around on Friday with Kacie and Nico, i was persistently trying to think of good memories in my head. but so many of them ran false characters, people who have turned away from me, or people i have let go. those happy moments are now stained.
i realize i do this all purposefully and skillfully. maybe it is to counteract a good day, to beat myself down a bit, to inflict a psychological pain, to make myself feel reality's pull.
maybe I'm not satisfied with just feeling okay.
somewhere in this wormy brain of mine there is a bright and obvious cord unplugged, hanging down the wall, waiting for the day someone sees it and plugs it back in.