(no subject)
And still, petty insecurities and an inability to participate in something everybody else is participating in, just a conversation even, a fear of rejection, that little niggle inside me that hurts, really hurts when they say something that shouldn't even faze me.
The rest of me knows, 'don't take it seriously, they're only joking; you can always chime in at any time and say something clever; you know how this works, speak up; you're good at this, own them.' But that little part of me...
God, I have a lot of work to do on myself before I'm ready for anything.
I think this is the first real angsting I've done since I started dating Jessica. It's never really gone; it only bobs its head for a little while.
These feelings are the destroyers of all Nick's relationships, ties, closeness. God damn it all. Please be gone by tomorrow. I don't want to feel this way. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY, DAMNIT. I don't WANT TO be afraid. I want to be confident. Significant for me, because of me.
Fear. Bitter, bitter, bitter hatred; often mistaken for love. Lonliness. Feelings that come before rejection? Or after? God, who knows.
What are love and hate? Two polar opposites, made similar in their polarity. Two things which relate to each other precisely because they have no relation to each other. Opposite corners of a circle. A circle has no corners. They touch. They are the same thing, but one connotes negativity, a burning obsession focused on the negative, and the other, positivity, a burning obession focused on the positive.
((I can still feel her hands on me.))
How do I know that next time I'll be falling in love, not accumulating more hatred? Tonight I felt stirrings of love, but was it hatred? Hatred because I couldn't do it? Couldn't make myself something? Or love because god damnit, she gives a shit. God damn it, she gives a shit. God damn it, she GIVES A SHIT.
Or is it nothing? Is it just being touched?
Love and hate are not so similar, either.
"I want you to smile your ass off because that person is not the love of your life ANYMORE." What are they, then? The hate? How easily they shift, just a micron over.
Did I really hate? Did I hate the people who treat me [ego]like I don't deserve to be treated?[/ego] Did I mistake that hatred for a desperate love, a love that I thought I would do anything to re-requite? That's not even a word. It's not even close.
Do I hate anyone, or am I making this all up?
Fucked if I know.
How the hell do I measure up? To anyone, or anything?
Never stop trying, never stop fighting.
And I never do.
The rest of me knows, 'don't take it seriously, they're only joking; you can always chime in at any time and say something clever; you know how this works, speak up; you're good at this, own them.' But that little part of me...
God, I have a lot of work to do on myself before I'm ready for anything.
I think this is the first real angsting I've done since I started dating Jessica. It's never really gone; it only bobs its head for a little while.
These feelings are the destroyers of all Nick's relationships, ties, closeness. God damn it all. Please be gone by tomorrow. I don't want to feel this way. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY, DAMNIT. I don't WANT TO be afraid. I want to be confident. Significant for me, because of me.
Fear. Bitter, bitter, bitter hatred; often mistaken for love. Lonliness. Feelings that come before rejection? Or after? God, who knows.
What are love and hate? Two polar opposites, made similar in their polarity. Two things which relate to each other precisely because they have no relation to each other. Opposite corners of a circle. A circle has no corners. They touch. They are the same thing, but one connotes negativity, a burning obsession focused on the negative, and the other, positivity, a burning obession focused on the positive.
((I can still feel her hands on me.))
How do I know that next time I'll be falling in love, not accumulating more hatred? Tonight I felt stirrings of love, but was it hatred? Hatred because I couldn't do it? Couldn't make myself something? Or love because god damnit, she gives a shit. God damn it, she gives a shit. God damn it, she GIVES A SHIT.
Or is it nothing? Is it just being touched?
Love and hate are not so similar, either.
"I want you to smile your ass off because that person is not the love of your life ANYMORE." What are they, then? The hate? How easily they shift, just a micron over.
Did I really hate? Did I hate the people who treat me [ego]like I don't deserve to be treated?[/ego] Did I mistake that hatred for a desperate love, a love that I thought I would do anything to re-requite? That's not even a word. It's not even close.
Do I hate anyone, or am I making this all up?
Fucked if I know.
How the hell do I measure up? To anyone, or anything?
Never stop trying, never stop fighting.
And I never do.