(no subject)
dear friends...
i have a confessions to make...
i been thru a bad breakup last nite..
with the guy who i love with all my heart..
for some fuckingly shitty stupid reasons, he's the one who initiated the breakup..
he thought i could handle the breakup well..
(cos stupid me just mumble "yeah" throughout the phone conversation. But the truth is that im trying to hold back my tears. trying to appear strong behind the conversation.)
but the truth is i felt breathless after he put down the phone.
my body went numb.
my head felt light.
after a min of lying motionless on the bed, i felt dead.
suddenly tears just start flowing out of my eyes.
in front of me, i see alot of dreams n hopes that i been writting in small pieces of paper inside a delicate glass jar.
dreams that i have been making for my relationship with him.
slowly i rise my body with alot of effort..
walking toward the jar that been hiding in a small corner of my cupboard invisible to anyone's eyes..
pick up the jar with my shaking hands..
i can't hold my emotions gate no more..
i open up the windows grill to the world outside..
a sudden gust of warm wind blow towards my face to welcome me.
my mind went blank. just like a tv channel which just finish its transmission programme.
i lookout the floor below from my 11th storey room.
i climb out to ledge.
making sure i wont slip and fall, i sit my back facing the ledge wall..
i cant explain whats goin through my mind. alot of flshback memories with him zooming in front of my eyes.
i look at the jar again, yes it's still in my hand.
i look down.
i noe wat u guys tinking now, cos im tinking the same way too.
i feel that all the effort im trying to win him back after my first breakup with him has gone to waste..
things shouldnt happen this way. its shouldnt be.
all the changes i make, all the sacrifies i do, all the effort i take, all the time i waste, all my money thats gone.. does not matter now.
for all i noe is that i am underappreciated.
i have been trying so hard to make things good for him.
all the loneliness i face during his ns days.
all the setbacks i had to face on my own when he's not around.
all the things i do to make him happy.
i cant handle it anymore.
the poor wounded heart just couldnot handle it anymore.
i feel that i've been beatten up badly by the guy who makes the king of my heart.
yeah. i want to jump down to end my misery.
so my heart will not bleed anymore.
so i can make him regret for doin this to me.
yeah thats all i want him to feel.
i want him to feel guilty all his lifetime till he die becos he breakup with me for the most stupidest reason that he gave me.
yes, i want him to feel miserable all his lifetime.
my tears have been blurring my vision, my head feel really really light.
i cry uncontrolby. the worst cry i ever had for him.
im tired.. so tired..
i cant help it..
suddenly out of nowhere i hear his voice.
"pls be safe, i dun want you to do anyting stupid.if u want me to be safe, u have to be safe urself. take care of urself". a fragment from our last conversation.
my mind went blank again.
i felt angry. i dun noe why.
i look at the jar again resting on my lap.
with one slippry hand i lift it.
gather up all my anger n disappointmnet, i threw away the jar to the ground.
hoping its far enough for it to break on a the grass patch on the other side of the pavement so no one will get hurt.
i saw the jar lands down to the ground. it did not hit the grass patch but fell some where near the brick longkang. fragments of glass flying everywhere.
the sounds of glass breaks echo the whole neighbourhood.
hearing the sound, satisfys me.
i smile.
i let out a heavy exhale.
climb back into my room carefully.
still smiling, i reach out for my handphone i msg a friend.
"looks like we are in the same boat" i msg him.
i noe u guys must be tinking that im the most stupidest gurl to risk my life for that jerk.
thankfully i did not jump.
i noe, i almost do it but somting just stop me in time.
i admit im am stupid to pull those kind of stunts. i wonder what saliha must be tinking rite now after she read this. i noe u will scold me in ur comments laters. but nvr mind, i accept ur scolding cos i noe u a friend who cares.
u are not in my shoes darling, its really painful to bear the pain.
why i did not jump?
i dunno. i guess i still love him so much to leave this world without saying goodbye.
n alots of things need to be settled with him so i can get even.
i dun tink i gain anyting if i jump.
but i got a chance to be even with him rite now while im alive.
to make he see thats he had lose a woman who love him very much, in a nice way.
he will regret it someday.
the jar that broke, with all the dreams i make, let just the bangla clean it up tmr morning.
a women's worth.
anw..
reading the journals of my friends esp saliha and those with the loves one commenting each other really...
makes me jealous.ALOT.
n disgusted(sometimes. no hard feelings ya?)
all the mushy mushy n lovey dovey ones..
it irritates me alot, cos i wish i have those experience u guys have.
yeah, i feel sad.
sometims i wish that i were in u guys shoes to experience it.
saliha's journal is a love story for which i always love to read.
its like a soap drama on the lovelife she's going through.
i read back the entries i had in my journal.
i started out this journal on the day he left for his NS.
to fills my loneliness.
to empty the thoughts that been trap in my heart.
to make it my listening ears.
"era of aphrodite's love" i titled it.
but too bad, alot of this aphrodite's entries are only filled with anger and frustation.
not love and happiness like saliha's journal.
aphrodite= greek goddess of love.
some lover i am. and wat a love story i had.
well my love story has ended last nite.
i dun noe whether i should close down this journal or not.
since it fills mostly with pain.
i started also becos of him, so he can share the pain im having.
things that i cant say to him verbally.
now he's gone...
i dunno..
should i or should i not continue gurls?
i have a confessions to make...
i been thru a bad breakup last nite..
with the guy who i love with all my heart..
for some fuckingly shitty stupid reasons, he's the one who initiated the breakup..
he thought i could handle the breakup well..
(cos stupid me just mumble "yeah" throughout the phone conversation. But the truth is that im trying to hold back my tears. trying to appear strong behind the conversation.)
but the truth is i felt breathless after he put down the phone.
my body went numb.
my head felt light.
after a min of lying motionless on the bed, i felt dead.
suddenly tears just start flowing out of my eyes.
in front of me, i see alot of dreams n hopes that i been writting in small pieces of paper inside a delicate glass jar.
dreams that i have been making for my relationship with him.
slowly i rise my body with alot of effort..
walking toward the jar that been hiding in a small corner of my cupboard invisible to anyone's eyes..
pick up the jar with my shaking hands..
i can't hold my emotions gate no more..
i open up the windows grill to the world outside..
a sudden gust of warm wind blow towards my face to welcome me.
my mind went blank. just like a tv channel which just finish its transmission programme.
i lookout the floor below from my 11th storey room.
i climb out to ledge.
making sure i wont slip and fall, i sit my back facing the ledge wall..
i cant explain whats goin through my mind. alot of flshback memories with him zooming in front of my eyes.
i look at the jar again, yes it's still in my hand.
i look down.
i noe wat u guys tinking now, cos im tinking the same way too.
i feel that all the effort im trying to win him back after my first breakup with him has gone to waste..
things shouldnt happen this way. its shouldnt be.
all the changes i make, all the sacrifies i do, all the effort i take, all the time i waste, all my money thats gone.. does not matter now.
for all i noe is that i am underappreciated.
i have been trying so hard to make things good for him.
all the loneliness i face during his ns days.
all the setbacks i had to face on my own when he's not around.
all the things i do to make him happy.
i cant handle it anymore.
the poor wounded heart just couldnot handle it anymore.
i feel that i've been beatten up badly by the guy who makes the king of my heart.
yeah. i want to jump down to end my misery.
so my heart will not bleed anymore.
so i can make him regret for doin this to me.
yeah thats all i want him to feel.
i want him to feel guilty all his lifetime till he die becos he breakup with me for the most stupidest reason that he gave me.
yes, i want him to feel miserable all his lifetime.
my tears have been blurring my vision, my head feel really really light.
i cry uncontrolby. the worst cry i ever had for him.
im tired.. so tired..
i cant help it..
suddenly out of nowhere i hear his voice.
"pls be safe, i dun want you to do anyting stupid.if u want me to be safe, u have to be safe urself. take care of urself". a fragment from our last conversation.
my mind went blank again.
i felt angry. i dun noe why.
i look at the jar again resting on my lap.
with one slippry hand i lift it.
gather up all my anger n disappointmnet, i threw away the jar to the ground.
hoping its far enough for it to break on a the grass patch on the other side of the pavement so no one will get hurt.
i saw the jar lands down to the ground. it did not hit the grass patch but fell some where near the brick longkang. fragments of glass flying everywhere.
the sounds of glass breaks echo the whole neighbourhood.
hearing the sound, satisfys me.
i smile.
i let out a heavy exhale.
climb back into my room carefully.
still smiling, i reach out for my handphone i msg a friend.
"looks like we are in the same boat" i msg him.
i noe u guys must be tinking that im the most stupidest gurl to risk my life for that jerk.
thankfully i did not jump.
i noe, i almost do it but somting just stop me in time.
i admit im am stupid to pull those kind of stunts. i wonder what saliha must be tinking rite now after she read this. i noe u will scold me in ur comments laters. but nvr mind, i accept ur scolding cos i noe u a friend who cares.
u are not in my shoes darling, its really painful to bear the pain.
why i did not jump?
i dunno. i guess i still love him so much to leave this world without saying goodbye.
n alots of things need to be settled with him so i can get even.
i dun tink i gain anyting if i jump.
but i got a chance to be even with him rite now while im alive.
to make he see thats he had lose a woman who love him very much, in a nice way.
he will regret it someday.
the jar that broke, with all the dreams i make, let just the bangla clean it up tmr morning.
a women's worth.
anw..
reading the journals of my friends esp saliha and those with the loves one commenting each other really...
makes me jealous.ALOT.
n disgusted(sometimes. no hard feelings ya?)
all the mushy mushy n lovey dovey ones..
it irritates me alot, cos i wish i have those experience u guys have.
yeah, i feel sad.
sometims i wish that i were in u guys shoes to experience it.
saliha's journal is a love story for which i always love to read.
its like a soap drama on the lovelife she's going through.
i read back the entries i had in my journal.
i started out this journal on the day he left for his NS.
to fills my loneliness.
to empty the thoughts that been trap in my heart.
to make it my listening ears.
"era of aphrodite's love" i titled it.
but too bad, alot of this aphrodite's entries are only filled with anger and frustation.
not love and happiness like saliha's journal.
aphrodite= greek goddess of love.
some lover i am. and wat a love story i had.
well my love story has ended last nite.
i dun noe whether i should close down this journal or not.
since it fills mostly with pain.
i started also becos of him, so he can share the pain im having.
things that i cant say to him verbally.
now he's gone...
i dunno..
should i or should i not continue gurls?