(no subject)
I'm pretty sure that I think too much. I wonder if that's a condition that's treatable. I guess if I had a lot of my frontal lobe removed, I'd probably think considerably less. But I'm not so much for the drool.
The lesbian couple came to our class to talk this morning. I was late and hacking so I had to leave partway through to go upchuck in the bathroom. Once I got my shit together, I was able to go back to class. It was a really valuable experience, I think. It felt weird that they kept referring to the class as "you guys," meaning we were all straight. I may be really confused about my sexuality, but I'm not straight. I just don't think I'm prepared to live fully out. Now am I indecisive because I'm scared to admit who I am, or am I indecisive because I really just don't know? And why do I have to decide? I'm bisexual. But what does that actually make me?
See, too much thinking.
And hacking cough, too much of that today as well.
What I realized in the car, driving to drop off my timesheet at work this morning though was that I transfer a lot of my own issues onto other people. I used to be really great with kids--but I'm not anymore because I fear so much that I'm going to be the reason they're in therapy years from now. How neurotic is that? I think: Oh god, I can't be that person. I can't be the person that confused them, or upset them, or wronged them. I do that with adults too. I can't be the person that fucks them up because I know I will. I treat myself like a bomb. I can't trust people to just take care of themselves. It's as if I think everyone has this naive sensibility and there are two parts to me. There's the part that enjoys being important enough to hurt people, or powerful (where power equals lack of emotion) enough to harm them in some way. And there's the part that knows how horrible that is and will do everything to stop that from happening. So I'm constantly at war with myself, protecting people from me.
It's pretty egotistical really. To think that the world needs protection from me. I need to get it through my head that it probably doesn't.
Weird. I really like Junior Mints.
The lesbian couple came to our class to talk this morning. I was late and hacking so I had to leave partway through to go upchuck in the bathroom. Once I got my shit together, I was able to go back to class. It was a really valuable experience, I think. It felt weird that they kept referring to the class as "you guys," meaning we were all straight. I may be really confused about my sexuality, but I'm not straight. I just don't think I'm prepared to live fully out. Now am I indecisive because I'm scared to admit who I am, or am I indecisive because I really just don't know? And why do I have to decide? I'm bisexual. But what does that actually make me?
See, too much thinking.
And hacking cough, too much of that today as well.
What I realized in the car, driving to drop off my timesheet at work this morning though was that I transfer a lot of my own issues onto other people. I used to be really great with kids--but I'm not anymore because I fear so much that I'm going to be the reason they're in therapy years from now. How neurotic is that? I think: Oh god, I can't be that person. I can't be the person that confused them, or upset them, or wronged them. I do that with adults too. I can't be the person that fucks them up because I know I will. I treat myself like a bomb. I can't trust people to just take care of themselves. It's as if I think everyone has this naive sensibility and there are two parts to me. There's the part that enjoys being important enough to hurt people, or powerful (where power equals lack of emotion) enough to harm them in some way. And there's the part that knows how horrible that is and will do everything to stop that from happening. So I'm constantly at war with myself, protecting people from me.
It's pretty egotistical really. To think that the world needs protection from me. I need to get it through my head that it probably doesn't.
Weird. I really like Junior Mints.