The Diary of a Bridesmaid
I just spent (or promised to spend) $75 on underpants. What.the.hell.
So I went into the bridal shop to give them a down payment and measurements, and The Lady and I got into a discussion about corsets. She said I should get something called a "slimmer" as well. This sounds like more torture to me considering it's going to be 500 degrees in Walla Walla in June and I'll be wearing a formal. But she says that the corset will cinch my waist and the fat will drop down to my ass and hips. It'll "come out the bottom," she says.
Of course this strikes fear into the hearts of girls around the world so with a dire expression on my face I say "Yes, yes I'll take the slimmer as well." After leaving the bridal shop, thoroughly demoralized by the inches it takes to get around my waist, I realize the dilemma. Where in the hell will all of my waist and ass fat go? I've got a corset for my waist, a slimmer for my ass...will I need to buy a calf reducer? God! Am I going to have huge calves? Will it sink down to my feet? Do I need orthopedic shoes to take care of all the fat we've sent down to my feet!?
I weigh 800 pounds, shh, don't tell anyone, it's all hiding in my feet!! Does she think people will not notice that I have simply reallocated all of my fat? Oh god, this is going to be a disaster.
That being said, I have made the mandate that I will not be buying new shoes for the wedding. I'll be wearing my (unfortunately 1.5 inch heeled) black strappy shoes. They are very comfortable, and nothing will hide the fact that I'm 6 foot tall. And I just spent $75 on underpants. So there. The bridesmaids are actually doubling as Erica's bodyguards anyway so we'll need to look imtimidating and drop dead gorgeous. Hm. Not a problem.
So I went into the bridal shop to give them a down payment and measurements, and The Lady and I got into a discussion about corsets. She said I should get something called a "slimmer" as well. This sounds like more torture to me considering it's going to be 500 degrees in Walla Walla in June and I'll be wearing a formal. But she says that the corset will cinch my waist and the fat will drop down to my ass and hips. It'll "come out the bottom," she says.
Of course this strikes fear into the hearts of girls around the world so with a dire expression on my face I say "Yes, yes I'll take the slimmer as well." After leaving the bridal shop, thoroughly demoralized by the inches it takes to get around my waist, I realize the dilemma. Where in the hell will all of my waist and ass fat go? I've got a corset for my waist, a slimmer for my ass...will I need to buy a calf reducer? God! Am I going to have huge calves? Will it sink down to my feet? Do I need orthopedic shoes to take care of all the fat we've sent down to my feet!?
I weigh 800 pounds, shh, don't tell anyone, it's all hiding in my feet!! Does she think people will not notice that I have simply reallocated all of my fat? Oh god, this is going to be a disaster.
That being said, I have made the mandate that I will not be buying new shoes for the wedding. I'll be wearing my (unfortunately 1.5 inch heeled) black strappy shoes. They are very comfortable, and nothing will hide the fact that I'm 6 foot tall. And I just spent $75 on underpants. So there. The bridesmaids are actually doubling as Erica's bodyguards anyway so we'll need to look imtimidating and drop dead gorgeous. Hm. Not a problem.