(no subject)
so i've been thinking lately... i know, right? sometimes it hurts, sometimes it doesn't, whatever. Anyway, I've been thinking about relationships and why it sucks to break up with someone. I think I've figured out what the broken heart is. It like a panic attack almost, not knowing what to do with yourself, because suddenly the person you spend a lot of your time with is gone from your life. What do you do with your time? Well, you obviously don't have anything you normally do during most of your day but be with said sig-o. so you are stuck with all this idle time. and you think about them all the time. and it sucks. life gets worse and worse the more idle time you have. It's awful. Actually, minor change of subject. Doesn't matter if ure in a relationship or not, idle time kills you. seriously. with Peio i spent so much time wondering why he wasnt around to be with me. wtf? thats so dumb! just find something else to do if he's busy! if he's busy all the time then fill up that time and then break up. then it wont be so bad bc you wont be just sitting around afterward being miserable. i hate being idle. it makes me not sleep and not really eat much and be bored and do really dumb things. I WILL NEVER AGAIN GO A SUMMER WITHOUT HAVING A JOB. or school, or something! man, that one summer i still think about and i still kick myself. what the hell was i thinking? where was my brain? where the hell is my brain now? i dont know. ugh. oh well! i keep having dreams. i think they have a meaning. 2 nights ago i got bit by a snake. last night i got stung (or nearly, rather) by a bee. it was on my neck. i HATE things touching my neck. i just hate it. unless its sexy, but theres a whole mood that goes along with that. anyway, dont touch my neck. but my brother was trying to pull the bee off of my neck and squish it between his fingers for me. (he's done this before in real life, that is, killing a bee that wont seem to leave me alone. i may or may not still be allergic...) anyway, i think these dreams are correlated. i think they have to do with... guys. bc i hang out with certain people on a regular basis now, and it seems ive been slacking in my studies. i was doing so good at the beginning of the semester. actually, i think i may still be doing decent. but its not what i want. i feel i should be studying more, staying better caught up. understanding the stuff before the pop quiz, not after the prof discusses it. i know i'm smart. i know i can study a lot less than some people and still make good grades. its just once i have a social life it all falls to shit. me and balance dont work well together. i look for it, but it doesnt seem to happen. i wish i could study in my sleep or something. wait, i take that back. its happened before. matlab *shudders* when you have scripts running through your head while you sleep you know there is something wrong. man, i dont even know what i'm writing about anymore. it seemed like such a good idea when it started when i was talking to david but my mind has fallen to shit and i cant explain what i'm thinking at all.
i took a physics exam today. i think i did pretty good. but i'm crossing my fingers. you never really can tell. so now i'm all nerve wracked. i got a 34 or something like that on my first physics exam last semester. and i know i wont be content with anything less than a 70 in that class. and really i want to have a grade in the high 80s or 90s. damn me for not studying! and what am i doing today as i slowly panic into a regression of doing nothing far too often? i write in lj and talk to people on AIM all day. should that have been regress into a panic? maybe i should take another english class? nah.
not going to alaska anymore :( it sorta fell through. i wanted to take field methods. they arent offering it all of a sudden. fuck em. i wont go. losers. im not too happy about it. id like to go, but i also love here, so i'll just stay here. i dont feel like up and moving all of a sudden again. im so sick of moving, once again. it comes and goes. im restless and then im content. i dont know what to do with myself. luckily, i get to move around twice a year. too bad it takes 12 hours. then within those trips there are micro trips. i think i need a real vacation. not the same old same old. but like when i was in orchestra and we would go cool places. like england and wales. and ireland. and disneyworld. and new orleans. kick ass, you know? except i think i want to go overseas. i am once again stuck on the fantasy of italy and greece. i will get there one day! my 4L wine bottle seems to be about 1/10 of the way full. i think it'll be a while. oh well! more monies. oh yeah... be like me, never spend your change. suddenly, ull have a million dollars. actually once i got $75 in a year from not spending any change. which is damn cool. if you think of that as most of a round trip ticket to maui or something like that... lol. i wonder how much of my trip to italy this jug of money will pay for? i guess i'll find out when it happens. i guess i am feeling restless again. too much idle time! i didnt go on that hike on sunday. maybe i should have. it would have gotten me out into the real outdoors. but i was feeling kinda shitty. so bleh. i should drink less. gotta watch out. cant go too crazy. i like doing too many things to be hung over all the time. like seriously, my stomach has been hurting for about 2 weeks now. no more beer. done. gone. cya! i'll exchange it for... physics! hahah, not. i think chem would be more useful at this point in my life. physics will have to go on hold till i can figure out geochem. then i'll be behind in everything else. ahhh! falling behind. and still i write, tip tap tip tap. dlfhalfjahsldfk. thats me being disgruntled. i dont really know what to do now. i wish it was later so i could just go to sleep. but i need to be in a better mood. bc now i feel cross. probably cross at myself for feeling like a loser. man, this is crazy stuff. okay, bc of the total incoherence of all of this rambling i think im gonna call it quits. blah.
i took a physics exam today. i think i did pretty good. but i'm crossing my fingers. you never really can tell. so now i'm all nerve wracked. i got a 34 or something like that on my first physics exam last semester. and i know i wont be content with anything less than a 70 in that class. and really i want to have a grade in the high 80s or 90s. damn me for not studying! and what am i doing today as i slowly panic into a regression of doing nothing far too often? i write in lj and talk to people on AIM all day. should that have been regress into a panic? maybe i should take another english class? nah.
not going to alaska anymore :( it sorta fell through. i wanted to take field methods. they arent offering it all of a sudden. fuck em. i wont go. losers. im not too happy about it. id like to go, but i also love here, so i'll just stay here. i dont feel like up and moving all of a sudden again. im so sick of moving, once again. it comes and goes. im restless and then im content. i dont know what to do with myself. luckily, i get to move around twice a year. too bad it takes 12 hours. then within those trips there are micro trips. i think i need a real vacation. not the same old same old. but like when i was in orchestra and we would go cool places. like england and wales. and ireland. and disneyworld. and new orleans. kick ass, you know? except i think i want to go overseas. i am once again stuck on the fantasy of italy and greece. i will get there one day! my 4L wine bottle seems to be about 1/10 of the way full. i think it'll be a while. oh well! more monies. oh yeah... be like me, never spend your change. suddenly, ull have a million dollars. actually once i got $75 in a year from not spending any change. which is damn cool. if you think of that as most of a round trip ticket to maui or something like that... lol. i wonder how much of my trip to italy this jug of money will pay for? i guess i'll find out when it happens. i guess i am feeling restless again. too much idle time! i didnt go on that hike on sunday. maybe i should have. it would have gotten me out into the real outdoors. but i was feeling kinda shitty. so bleh. i should drink less. gotta watch out. cant go too crazy. i like doing too many things to be hung over all the time. like seriously, my stomach has been hurting for about 2 weeks now. no more beer. done. gone. cya! i'll exchange it for... physics! hahah, not. i think chem would be more useful at this point in my life. physics will have to go on hold till i can figure out geochem. then i'll be behind in everything else. ahhh! falling behind. and still i write, tip tap tip tap. dlfhalfjahsldfk. thats me being disgruntled. i dont really know what to do now. i wish it was later so i could just go to sleep. but i need to be in a better mood. bc now i feel cross. probably cross at myself for feeling like a loser. man, this is crazy stuff. okay, bc of the total incoherence of all of this rambling i think im gonna call it quits. blah.