Tell me, do you wash your hair in honeydew?
Dear You,
I was very surprised today. I had not expected to hear from you. At least until you returned. My heart is lightened. There are no longer all these huge unknowns. There are some. Such as why you had to log off. I can conjecture, speculate. But I have some basis in reality for them, whereas before I could only come up with possible scenarios of what had happened. I didn't sign off, btw, if that is why you left. My connection went bad and I was kicked off. I sent a couple long messages and didn't hear from you. Don't think for a moment that I am angry with you.
I am surprised to hear that you never found work, that you are only going through the motions. I would have thought you would have come home after a time. Maybe it was too hard to tell him that you were leaving. Easier, perhaps, to leave at the appointed time, and tell him later you would never return. If I was not leaving today, I would try to get you to come back. But I am, so it's moot. I don't know how you would respond to that. But you sound so miserable and I want you to come home. I want to hold you and tell you everything will be alright, and that we'll have a clean slate. But that can be addressed some other time.
I know how you are sometimes, and I know that sometimes when you are away from everyone you just act like you're hiding under the covers. And then you've been in there so long you can't come out. Since someone asked you not to, it's even easier to explain. Maybe you should have given me a heads up in the beginning, but I can overlook that if the girl in question is wonderful and beautiful and makes me feel like a million dollars when she is in my life.
Part of me is glad, Nicky. Because most of all I was scared that you had changed. That you would be like the first time Henry found out, only worse. Instead, you have figured out a lot of the things I tried to tell you, but that you could not understand without doing them. That's why I didn't try so hard to convince you to stay here. I knew that you needed to learn lessons on your own, like how it's damn hard to find a job in NYC. Or how it was a cruel thing to do to me for you to go. But if you grow to understand it, then it was worth every moment of pain. If I could have convinced you to stay, you always would have wondered what might have happened if you had gone, if it wouldn't have been so bad on me, if you would have found your internship. And now you can answer that. I know you have a very mature outlook on life, Nicky, but in some ways you are still a little girl. You're only 20. Not even that quite yet.
I wish you were here right now. I had made my peace. I was ready for you to be gone for good. Knowing that you still love me, it means more to me than any of these things, than any petty cruelty. Now I can allow myself to remember all the things we do together and miss you properly. I can think about going to Texas Steakhouse with you and holding your hand and not feel wistfully sad. Because I'm not afraid those things will never happen to me again.
I don't know how we should proceed. You disappeared while we were trying to decide. Don't be afraid. I would be content just knowing you read this and my Italy blog. I would be happier if you would leave me responses, or e-mails or something. But I'm only going to ask you to do what you're capable of. But please, don't be afraid. It means so much for me to hear from you, to think you would hold back out of shame. If you can't talk, you can't. I will be ok with that. But please try. It doesn't have to be lengthy. It would just be nice to be assured that I'm not talking to a brick wall, you know?
Well, this will be it for the moment. Since I know you read it, I will probably write in this more. Oh, and just so you know, now I can go to Italy with a light heart, and not a heavy one. Thank you. Thank you for breaking the silence, Nicky. It means more to me than you can come to understand.
(Brian.)
I was very surprised today. I had not expected to hear from you. At least until you returned. My heart is lightened. There are no longer all these huge unknowns. There are some. Such as why you had to log off. I can conjecture, speculate. But I have some basis in reality for them, whereas before I could only come up with possible scenarios of what had happened. I didn't sign off, btw, if that is why you left. My connection went bad and I was kicked off. I sent a couple long messages and didn't hear from you. Don't think for a moment that I am angry with you.
I am surprised to hear that you never found work, that you are only going through the motions. I would have thought you would have come home after a time. Maybe it was too hard to tell him that you were leaving. Easier, perhaps, to leave at the appointed time, and tell him later you would never return. If I was not leaving today, I would try to get you to come back. But I am, so it's moot. I don't know how you would respond to that. But you sound so miserable and I want you to come home. I want to hold you and tell you everything will be alright, and that we'll have a clean slate. But that can be addressed some other time.
I know how you are sometimes, and I know that sometimes when you are away from everyone you just act like you're hiding under the covers. And then you've been in there so long you can't come out. Since someone asked you not to, it's even easier to explain. Maybe you should have given me a heads up in the beginning, but I can overlook that if the girl in question is wonderful and beautiful and makes me feel like a million dollars when she is in my life.
Part of me is glad, Nicky. Because most of all I was scared that you had changed. That you would be like the first time Henry found out, only worse. Instead, you have figured out a lot of the things I tried to tell you, but that you could not understand without doing them. That's why I didn't try so hard to convince you to stay here. I knew that you needed to learn lessons on your own, like how it's damn hard to find a job in NYC. Or how it was a cruel thing to do to me for you to go. But if you grow to understand it, then it was worth every moment of pain. If I could have convinced you to stay, you always would have wondered what might have happened if you had gone, if it wouldn't have been so bad on me, if you would have found your internship. And now you can answer that. I know you have a very mature outlook on life, Nicky, but in some ways you are still a little girl. You're only 20. Not even that quite yet.
I wish you were here right now. I had made my peace. I was ready for you to be gone for good. Knowing that you still love me, it means more to me than any of these things, than any petty cruelty. Now I can allow myself to remember all the things we do together and miss you properly. I can think about going to Texas Steakhouse with you and holding your hand and not feel wistfully sad. Because I'm not afraid those things will never happen to me again.
I don't know how we should proceed. You disappeared while we were trying to decide. Don't be afraid. I would be content just knowing you read this and my Italy blog. I would be happier if you would leave me responses, or e-mails or something. But I'm only going to ask you to do what you're capable of. But please, don't be afraid. It means so much for me to hear from you, to think you would hold back out of shame. If you can't talk, you can't. I will be ok with that. But please try. It doesn't have to be lengthy. It would just be nice to be assured that I'm not talking to a brick wall, you know?
Well, this will be it for the moment. Since I know you read it, I will probably write in this more. Oh, and just so you know, now I can go to Italy with a light heart, and not a heavy one. Thank you. Thank you for breaking the silence, Nicky. It means more to me than you can come to understand.
(Brian.)