Dreams of You
I just had a dream about you. It was a good dream, but it made me very depressed. In the dream, at first I remember hearing that a 9.0 earthquake had struck most of California, which is of course horrible. But then the good part was that you were back in town. You weren't back for good, but you were here for a day or two. You acted like this had been the plan all along but I felt very confused because I didn't remember you telling me you would come back for a while. You wanted to eat at wherever we always ate at for lunch, which was some kind of seafood place, and I was supposed to go to a lunch for class but I cancelled it so I could go. At lunch we kept talking about the earthquake, but we were going to go back to my house to hang outso I figured we could talk then. But we ran into Mike and you wanted him to come with us, and so I couldn't talk to you about anything. Then you went outside to talk to you. I waited and waited but it was getting close to when I needed to go back to class and you weren't back. I went out and you told me not to be pouty and to come and tell you before it was time to go. I thought to myself you weren't behaving like yourself, but it didn't matter, because at least you were here.
When I woke up, the very first thing that came into my head was that you were still gone. That was the most devastating moment. It's like when someone, say your grandmother, dies, and a few days you have a dream with them in it, but when you wake up you remember that they are gone, and at this point in time, the understanding of your loss is complete.
I am guessing you didn't know how much this would hurt me when you decided to leave, because I know you would never do something so cruel. But I can't understand how you could go on maintaining this silence. It worries me, honestly. It makes me think maybe you're not alright. Maybe something is wrong. It's like you've been kidnapped, honestly. It's likely I may have lost you forever, but I don't know for sure. So I cannot gain a sense of closure, knowing that you are gone. I simply have to always wonder that maybe the narrow chance that I have not lost you is right, but it keeps the pain of that loss absolutely fresh in my mind. If leaving me was a cruelty you did not understand because I hid how I felt, then that I understand, but to not speak to me...it's so much more cruel, and I don't understand why. I suppose you didn't understand or believe how much I love you. Maybe I tried to convince myself that was how it was, but I do love you, a thousand times over. And it tears me apart no matter how much I try to forget. Maybe there is really something wrong, you must know how much this hurts me. Sometimes I want to call your mom and ask if you're ok. But I know that would cause you trouble. At least then I would know you're alright, and you just hate me, or something. Then I'll pick up the pieces and move on with my life, instead of hoping beyond hope that I'd get a call from you saying you couldn't find a job and you'd left. Maybe then I wouldn't check my phone every 5 minutes to see if you've texted me, or get online hoping you would be there, or every time my phone rings, I wouldn't secretly hope it was you until I read the caller ID. But for now, I have to go to class.
When I woke up, the very first thing that came into my head was that you were still gone. That was the most devastating moment. It's like when someone, say your grandmother, dies, and a few days you have a dream with them in it, but when you wake up you remember that they are gone, and at this point in time, the understanding of your loss is complete.
I am guessing you didn't know how much this would hurt me when you decided to leave, because I know you would never do something so cruel. But I can't understand how you could go on maintaining this silence. It worries me, honestly. It makes me think maybe you're not alright. Maybe something is wrong. It's like you've been kidnapped, honestly. It's likely I may have lost you forever, but I don't know for sure. So I cannot gain a sense of closure, knowing that you are gone. I simply have to always wonder that maybe the narrow chance that I have not lost you is right, but it keeps the pain of that loss absolutely fresh in my mind. If leaving me was a cruelty you did not understand because I hid how I felt, then that I understand, but to not speak to me...it's so much more cruel, and I don't understand why. I suppose you didn't understand or believe how much I love you. Maybe I tried to convince myself that was how it was, but I do love you, a thousand times over. And it tears me apart no matter how much I try to forget. Maybe there is really something wrong, you must know how much this hurts me. Sometimes I want to call your mom and ask if you're ok. But I know that would cause you trouble. At least then I would know you're alright, and you just hate me, or something. Then I'll pick up the pieces and move on with my life, instead of hoping beyond hope that I'd get a call from you saying you couldn't find a job and you'd left. Maybe then I wouldn't check my phone every 5 minutes to see if you've texted me, or get online hoping you would be there, or every time my phone rings, I wouldn't secretly hope it was you until I read the caller ID. But for now, I have to go to class.