the end of the year approaches

[retrofab]

i feel lost, sad and nostolgic. high school is ending and swim banquet was today. today was the first time i realized that a major chapter in my life is ending. i look back at the life i've lived and i wonder, am i satisfied? if i could go back, what would i change about it. i blame Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for that one. sometimes i wish i could just erase my memory and start all over again. would i still lead the same life? would it be more fulfiling? is it all just contingent? for that i blame the Unbearable Lightness of Being and core. i can't imagine what life would have been like if i had gone to granada or reseda instead of cleveland. would i be on the swim team? i wouldn't know any philosophy. i would be stuck in the racist patriarchal mindset that i was in before 11th grade. i didn't get a 2400 on my SATs and i didn't get 5s on all my APs, but i learned about life and real life lessons at cleveland. i feel so grateful to all my teachers even the ones i didn't really like.

i still feel like im in a dark fog of uncertainty about life and any adventure i embark on. i feel lonely but free with the existential question of what do i want to do? there are so many possibilities and i'm stuck with nothingness, no necessity for the things i do, no reason for why things are. should i try to make choices as nietzsche says, or follow the river current (taoism)? why are things so hard. why am i burdened by choice? shouldn't i feel liberated? college in 2 months but im petrified and unsure, excited and ready to leave. i think my brain is bipolar