just a mess with a name and the price.

[pendules]

just a mess with a name and the price
Harry/Louis. Harry falls into addiction and depression and Louis stays with him through it all.
warnings: drug addiction, depression, attempted suicide.
notes: This is pretty messed-up and probably doesn't make much sense. I'm really not an expert on any of this, so sorry for anything that's terribly

Comments

[mozarts_piano]

so obviously an immediate comment did not follow but man was this good so i'm just going to spill out some feelings here, mostly because it just stuck with me, as most fabulous stories do.

like a welcome mat with a cat wearing a bow tie that makes Harry smile (although no one ever visits), they still go to charity events sometimes (Louis mostly goes alone though, trying to avoid people's pitying looks).
i love how this sentence automatically lets one know exactly how things have fallen and twisted and been strewn in recent months. just the idea of no one visiting and the pity that louis sees every where sets the rest of the story up so nicely because even if you get confused at a time or two you always think back and go - no. it's just louis and harry - just them against the world. crazy insane beginning.

He thinks about dying a lot.
okay wow so those six words hit me right in the gut. and the remained bit that followed was just. right. i hate that harry's sucks the life out of everything around him, especially since he used to bring such joy into people's life, whether with his voice or charm or love. but i adore you for writing him like that because that's the truth.

(he can't even remember a time when Harry being happy, being bright and full of life and himself, didn't raise red flags)
AHHHHH my word i don't know what i would do if i had any kind of relationship with someone, or knew someone like that. oh god i don't know how you could live with someone who wants to die so badly and who can't live, despite you love. oh wow. ick.

"You could have a life," he says.
"You've been it for the last six years."
i hate that i never know what to think because on one end i think that louis is such a good friend and is so brave to stay but on the other i think he's a coward and is sinking both of them down just as much. i don't know what to think.

When he gets back to the living room and Harry's not there, he drops both cups on the carpet, races upstairs.
i did one of those oscar moments where i literally clapped a hand to my mouth and was like "no no no n o n o nonono!!" and it was awful and painful to read. gosh.

Liam just says three words, "Is he alive?" Louis's pretty sure he just didn't want to find out the answer in the news.
oh wow okay. that hurt too.

"He doesn't deserve this," Harry says after a pause. "He deserves to be happy."
"You deserve that too," Louis says, and it's honest.
wow right. so i like that harry realizes how much shit he's put everyone through but i only effects him when he wants to care. and that he thinks that suicide would end all of louis' problems because he doesn't really understand how much louis loves and needs to be by his side even when he's so high he can't see straight.

"I never asked for you to love me so much," he finishes. "I never asked for any of it..."
"But you took it. And you took advantage of it," Louis says, grimacing.
i love how there isn't a clear bad guy in all of this. that they're both just human beings that have made a ton of mistakes and are just sinking down but both want something to be fixed. and they aren't very keen on actually fixing the problem but they're trying.

"Quit," he says simply. "After I saw your interview."
i can't even imagine how much that would have affected all of them, it's unreal. watching the two men you thought you knew best losing themselves in the world and falling apart and knowing that you ran away from it all? god.

so yes, i'm sorry that this is late, but i just want to say how amazing this is. just absolutely brilliant.

[pendules]

gosh, this is such an amazing comment. i don't even know how to respond properly, but believe me when i say i pretty much live for comments like this, so thank you so, so very much for this.

yeah, i pretty much just wanted to write a story where they're in this dark, unhealthy, codependent relationship that's broken them in so many ways but they're still together. like you so rightly said, it's just them against the world.

i feel like harry burns so bright, and if he ever did burn out, it would leave this massive black hole that would just suck everything around him into darkness - especially the person closest to him. and just the idea that he can't be fixed, and they both know that, but louis won't ever leave and harry won't ever directly tell him to leave either. ugh, yeah, you're bringing all my ridiculous feelings back up to the surface. (but thank you, really, because i narcissistically love talking about my fic, lol.)

harry realizes how much shit he's put everyone through but i only effects him when he wants to care. and that he thinks that suicide would end all of louis' problems

yeah, exactly. and i think louis sometimes thinks it might too, but he's made harry his whole life, maybe out of wanting him to live so badly, wanting him to see how much he really loves him. and the fact that it's still not enough. well. i'd just like to think that maybe he's actually grateful now when louis saves him, a little more every time.

and the bit about there being no bad guy! yes, i was worried about that, about making them all sympathetic when they just aren't sometimes. but it's a really messed-up situation and sometimes that doesn't make people stronger, no matter how much they want to be, sometimes it makes their flaws even more obvious. so zayn running away and liam trying to build a new life away from it - i really do understand that. and louis clinging on, not necessarily out of hope but because it's the only thing he has left.

again, i cannot express how happy this comment makes me. thank you a million times over. ♥