i wish you would tell me how you really feel.
Four almosts and one first
Dean/Castiel. 1,700 words.
1.
It's the first time he's seen him in a long while.
Dean and Sam have been back on the road for about six months, and everything's basically back to normal upstairs, according to Cas, but there are still a couple messes to be dealt with that'll take some time and effort.
So, they let him go, and he promises he'll be back the first chance he gets, but they've pretty much given up hope that it'll be anytime in the near future.
Then they come back to their motel room after questioning a witness, and he's just there.
He doesn't say anything, just looks at them with wide eyes like he's drinking them in.
Sam gives him a huge smile and pats him on the back heartily.
Dean hangs back for a second, just studying him. Then he reaches forward and rests a hand gently on his shoulder. He squeezes just a little, as if he's checking to see if he's actually there.
"It's good to see you, man," he says, voice kind of hoarse all of a sudden.
And Cas smiles at him, head tilted slightly, in that way he does sometimes, like he hasn't in a very, very long time and it takes even him by surprise.
And damn, Dean really has missed him.
"I can't stay long," is the first thing he says, and Dean thinks, Of course.
*
Sam's at the bar getting beers when they're alone for the first time.
"You look -" Cas starts.
"Yeah, terrible, I know. I forgot how much I missed the gig," he says sarcastically.
"No, I was going to say happy."
They look at each other openly across the bar table, and Dean realises that he just has to slide his hand a few inches forward for their fingertips to touch. It's an odd thought, but before he can consider it any further, Sam sits down next to him, pushing glasses towards both of them.
*
They say goodbye in the parking lot.
Sam clasps his hand tightly, and tells him to not be a stranger before getting into the car.
Dean stammers awkwardly before he says, "Well, I'll see you, uh, around. Right?" He tries not to sound too hopeful, but it bleeds into his voice anyway.
Cas nods in a way that could suggest anything, but he doesn't press any further.
"So, I'll..."
His hand's on the door handle when Cas wraps his arms around his shoulders, slowly, inexorably, and pulls him closer. Dean's arms come around his waist almost instinctively. He buries his face into Cas's neck and closes his eyes, just feeling the warmth and softness of him.
He lets go way too quickly. Cas gives him one last smile and then he gets in his car and drives away.
He thinks this is probably the first time he's ever left him first.
2.
Castiel visits his dreams a couple times, but he doesn't ever remember them.
One time, they lean against the Impala on a lonely road and share a beer. The bottle is wet with precipitation, but Dean's hand is warm where it brushes his. He doesn't know if it's on purpose or by accident. Dean doesn't either. He's never kissed him, but he thinks he'd know the taste of his mouth anywhere.
They're lying in a field looking up at the stars once. He thinks it could be the field he was resurrected from. Castiel can pick apart pieces of his life so easily. He thinks he can see bits of it in the sky if he looks hard enough. Dean turns onto his side to look at him. Castiel does the same. The dream ends.
They're sitting on a park bench, and there are kids running around and on the swings. The sounds they make are like music, synchronised. He watches Dean watch them for a long while. At some point, his smile fades quickly, too quickly, and Castiel turns to see what he's looking at. He recognises them immediately. Laughing and joking, Dean pushes little Sam on the swing. They're happy. Here, they're happy. He suddenly feels like he's intruding, and he's about to leave, but a hand clutches his arm, telling him it's okay. There are still a lot of things he doesn't entirely understand about Dean, but he's allowed...he's allowed to try.
Dean remembers bits and pieces of that one though.
3.
Dean prays for him one time.
"Uh, well, this isn't really an emergency. And I know you're busy with all your angel stuff. But uh, I really kind of want to talk to you. So, yeah, if you copy, give me a sign or something. Or just drop in. Any time," he finishes lamely.
"Dean?"
He turns around so quickly, he almost gets whiplash.
"Cas."
"Dean, are you all right?"
"Yeah, it's not. It's nothing like that. I just. Well. I just wanted to see you. And uh, I wanted to ask you something."
"Okay. What is it?"
"Uh, we - we're okay, right? You and me."
"What do you mean?" He looks genuinely confused.
"I mean, I feel like it's been weird the last couple months. I know you're busy and everything, but I just - I need to know we're all right."
"Yes, Dean," he says, looking amused. "We're fine. Everything's fine."
"Okay. Well, that's good then."
"Okay."
"Right."
"Well, I should -"
"Yeah, yeah, me too. I'll see you, Cas."
Cas calls after him though when he starts walking away. "Dean?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm glad you called."
He's gone before Dean can ask what exactly he means by that. Or before he can say he's glad to see him too.
4.
There's a gash on his cheek that's leaking grace. Castiel can feel it healing slowly, but Dean's staring at it fixedly. He gets this look of wonder sometimes at simple things that is all the more beautiful because of all he's seen in the world. Sometimes, Castiel just sees a kid somewhere behind those tired eyes, the kid he never got to be. He kind of lives for those moments.
He's pretty sure he's not even registering that he's doing it when he lifts a hand to touch to Castiel's face. Castiel leans into the touch ever so slightly. But then he seems to catch himself and he pulls away like he's been burned. He gasps when he realises the cut is gone.
"Dean." He doesn't try to move towards him again (he knows, from all the time spent here, from the time spent with Dean, that that would just make him more defensive). He just looks at him concernedly.
"I just - I can't. I can't do this, Cas." They both know exactly what he's talking about. And that's it. They've come to it, finally. Finally addressing the tension that's been between them for months and months and maybe much, much longer before they really started paying attention.
"Dean," he says again, softer but more urgent.
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because - because you're an angel." He's pointedly not looking at him, and Castiel hates it.
"Because I'm an angel? Really? Is that it?"
"Yes, it's because you're an angel. And you're - you're you."
"Right..."
"I mean. I mean, you're you, and I'm me. And we fight demons, and the Devil himself, and we stop the goddamned apocalypse, but we - we don't do this."
It looks like it pains him to say it. It looks like it goes against everything he's feeling. It looks like he's doing what his life has taught him to do over and over again, since he was a child and that wonder and belief that good things did exist and they existed for him was unceremoniously blown out.
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"I understand."
"You do?"
"Yes. And I'm scared too, Dean."
Dean's mouth kind of drops into a surprised 'o', but he doesn't resist when Cas finally reaches across the distance and takes his hand in his own.
5.
It's after a monster hunt gone wrong, after Sam falls into a trap made especially for them and almost ends up a goner.
Cas fixes him up in a hurry, but he says he's exhausted, and practically falls asleep as soon as his head hits the scratchy motel room pillow.
Dean finally tears his eyes away from his sleeping brother (alive and safe and alive) to look at Cas who's looking at him in turn.
"Hey, uh, thank you. Really. If you hadn't gotten to him when you did, I don't even want to imagine what -"
"It's fine, Dean. You know I'm always here for Sam. And you."
Dean's eyes drop as he smiles a little, like he's remembering something (or everything), and then nods, almost to himself, like he's making a decision.
He can feel Cas's energy (standing so close to him, and he doesn't mind, he never has) start to change, like he's about to leave, and he knows what that's like, knows it too well, almost. But this time - this time, it'll be different.
He reaches out.
His fingers curl gently around his wrist, and he pulls him back in. Cas makes a tiny noise of surprise that is so human, and he is so solid and warm under Dean's hand that he can almost pretend, almost - but he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to limit this or change it into anything it isn't. He's Cas, his Cas, and he's seen into Dean's soul, and that's okay, maybe. Maybe that's not as scary as it should be.
Cas's lips part before they even touch Dean's, like this is a continuation of something else, some other moment in the past or future or in a dream, an alternate reality. But Dean's had enough of those for a lifetime. This, this here, is real and reality. And it's confusing and ridiculous and kind of insane, but his life is plenty of all of those already, so it's almost normal, really. Anything else would be strange. He doesn't want anything else. Just for now, this moment. He has all he needs. He's pretty sure it could be all he ever needs, too. If he just let it, and let it be.
Dean/Castiel. 1,700 words.
1.
It's the first time he's seen him in a long while.
Dean and Sam have been back on the road for about six months, and everything's basically back to normal upstairs, according to Cas, but there are still a couple messes to be dealt with that'll take some time and effort.
So, they let him go, and he promises he'll be back the first chance he gets, but they've pretty much given up hope that it'll be anytime in the near future.
Then they come back to their motel room after questioning a witness, and he's just there.
He doesn't say anything, just looks at them with wide eyes like he's drinking them in.
Sam gives him a huge smile and pats him on the back heartily.
Dean hangs back for a second, just studying him. Then he reaches forward and rests a hand gently on his shoulder. He squeezes just a little, as if he's checking to see if he's actually there.
"It's good to see you, man," he says, voice kind of hoarse all of a sudden.
And Cas smiles at him, head tilted slightly, in that way he does sometimes, like he hasn't in a very, very long time and it takes even him by surprise.
And damn, Dean really has missed him.
"I can't stay long," is the first thing he says, and Dean thinks, Of course.
*
Sam's at the bar getting beers when they're alone for the first time.
"You look -" Cas starts.
"Yeah, terrible, I know. I forgot how much I missed the gig," he says sarcastically.
"No, I was going to say happy."
They look at each other openly across the bar table, and Dean realises that he just has to slide his hand a few inches forward for their fingertips to touch. It's an odd thought, but before he can consider it any further, Sam sits down next to him, pushing glasses towards both of them.
*
They say goodbye in the parking lot.
Sam clasps his hand tightly, and tells him to not be a stranger before getting into the car.
Dean stammers awkwardly before he says, "Well, I'll see you, uh, around. Right?" He tries not to sound too hopeful, but it bleeds into his voice anyway.
Cas nods in a way that could suggest anything, but he doesn't press any further.
"So, I'll..."
His hand's on the door handle when Cas wraps his arms around his shoulders, slowly, inexorably, and pulls him closer. Dean's arms come around his waist almost instinctively. He buries his face into Cas's neck and closes his eyes, just feeling the warmth and softness of him.
He lets go way too quickly. Cas gives him one last smile and then he gets in his car and drives away.
He thinks this is probably the first time he's ever left him first.
2.
Castiel visits his dreams a couple times, but he doesn't ever remember them.
One time, they lean against the Impala on a lonely road and share a beer. The bottle is wet with precipitation, but Dean's hand is warm where it brushes his. He doesn't know if it's on purpose or by accident. Dean doesn't either. He's never kissed him, but he thinks he'd know the taste of his mouth anywhere.
They're lying in a field looking up at the stars once. He thinks it could be the field he was resurrected from. Castiel can pick apart pieces of his life so easily. He thinks he can see bits of it in the sky if he looks hard enough. Dean turns onto his side to look at him. Castiel does the same. The dream ends.
They're sitting on a park bench, and there are kids running around and on the swings. The sounds they make are like music, synchronised. He watches Dean watch them for a long while. At some point, his smile fades quickly, too quickly, and Castiel turns to see what he's looking at. He recognises them immediately. Laughing and joking, Dean pushes little Sam on the swing. They're happy. Here, they're happy. He suddenly feels like he's intruding, and he's about to leave, but a hand clutches his arm, telling him it's okay. There are still a lot of things he doesn't entirely understand about Dean, but he's allowed...he's allowed to try.
Dean remembers bits and pieces of that one though.
3.
Dean prays for him one time.
"Uh, well, this isn't really an emergency. And I know you're busy with all your angel stuff. But uh, I really kind of want to talk to you. So, yeah, if you copy, give me a sign or something. Or just drop in. Any time," he finishes lamely.
"Dean?"
He turns around so quickly, he almost gets whiplash.
"Cas."
"Dean, are you all right?"
"Yeah, it's not. It's nothing like that. I just. Well. I just wanted to see you. And uh, I wanted to ask you something."
"Okay. What is it?"
"Uh, we - we're okay, right? You and me."
"What do you mean?" He looks genuinely confused.
"I mean, I feel like it's been weird the last couple months. I know you're busy and everything, but I just - I need to know we're all right."
"Yes, Dean," he says, looking amused. "We're fine. Everything's fine."
"Okay. Well, that's good then."
"Okay."
"Right."
"Well, I should -"
"Yeah, yeah, me too. I'll see you, Cas."
Cas calls after him though when he starts walking away. "Dean?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm glad you called."
He's gone before Dean can ask what exactly he means by that. Or before he can say he's glad to see him too.
4.
There's a gash on his cheek that's leaking grace. Castiel can feel it healing slowly, but Dean's staring at it fixedly. He gets this look of wonder sometimes at simple things that is all the more beautiful because of all he's seen in the world. Sometimes, Castiel just sees a kid somewhere behind those tired eyes, the kid he never got to be. He kind of lives for those moments.
He's pretty sure he's not even registering that he's doing it when he lifts a hand to touch to Castiel's face. Castiel leans into the touch ever so slightly. But then he seems to catch himself and he pulls away like he's been burned. He gasps when he realises the cut is gone.
"Dean." He doesn't try to move towards him again (he knows, from all the time spent here, from the time spent with Dean, that that would just make him more defensive). He just looks at him concernedly.
"I just - I can't. I can't do this, Cas." They both know exactly what he's talking about. And that's it. They've come to it, finally. Finally addressing the tension that's been between them for months and months and maybe much, much longer before they really started paying attention.
"Dean," he says again, softer but more urgent.
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because - because you're an angel." He's pointedly not looking at him, and Castiel hates it.
"Because I'm an angel? Really? Is that it?"
"Yes, it's because you're an angel. And you're - you're you."
"Right..."
"I mean. I mean, you're you, and I'm me. And we fight demons, and the Devil himself, and we stop the goddamned apocalypse, but we - we don't do this."
It looks like it pains him to say it. It looks like it goes against everything he's feeling. It looks like he's doing what his life has taught him to do over and over again, since he was a child and that wonder and belief that good things did exist and they existed for him was unceremoniously blown out.
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"I understand."
"You do?"
"Yes. And I'm scared too, Dean."
Dean's mouth kind of drops into a surprised 'o', but he doesn't resist when Cas finally reaches across the distance and takes his hand in his own.
5.
It's after a monster hunt gone wrong, after Sam falls into a trap made especially for them and almost ends up a goner.
Cas fixes him up in a hurry, but he says he's exhausted, and practically falls asleep as soon as his head hits the scratchy motel room pillow.
Dean finally tears his eyes away from his sleeping brother (alive and safe and alive) to look at Cas who's looking at him in turn.
"Hey, uh, thank you. Really. If you hadn't gotten to him when you did, I don't even want to imagine what -"
"It's fine, Dean. You know I'm always here for Sam. And you."
Dean's eyes drop as he smiles a little, like he's remembering something (or everything), and then nods, almost to himself, like he's making a decision.
He can feel Cas's energy (standing so close to him, and he doesn't mind, he never has) start to change, like he's about to leave, and he knows what that's like, knows it too well, almost. But this time - this time, it'll be different.
He reaches out.
His fingers curl gently around his wrist, and he pulls him back in. Cas makes a tiny noise of surprise that is so human, and he is so solid and warm under Dean's hand that he can almost pretend, almost - but he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to limit this or change it into anything it isn't. He's Cas, his Cas, and he's seen into Dean's soul, and that's okay, maybe. Maybe that's not as scary as it should be.
Cas's lips part before they even touch Dean's, like this is a continuation of something else, some other moment in the past or future or in a dream, an alternate reality. But Dean's had enough of those for a lifetime. This, this here, is real and reality. And it's confusing and ridiculous and kind of insane, but his life is plenty of all of those already, so it's almost normal, really. Anything else would be strange. He doesn't want anything else. Just for now, this moment. He has all he needs. He's pretty sure it could be all he ever needs, too. If he just let it, and let it be.