Paths
I’ve been trying to figure out what to say here and now for a while, but I’m still not sure if there is anything I can truly say. So please bear with me as I try and make myself heard by answering the questions I can see being asked in the best way I can. I know there will still be far more that I haven’t answered, but this is what I can give at the moment.
What!? - Yes, it is true. Michelle and I are broken up. This is not some sick joke or precursor to something else. It is just what it is.
Who? - I’m the one that broke up with her. Before I get on to the why, I just want to say it wasn’t anything she did or didn’t do. As per usual, it all falls on me.
Why? - This is the really hard question to answer and I understand if my answer doesn’t really make sense, but please hear it out.
Over the last year, I have been going through quite a bit. Some of its been pretty obvious, as in the case of my grandfather dying, while some have not been so obvious, as in the personal crisis I went through towards the beginning of last year. But what all this has led to is me being forced to take a long, hard look at my life and my future. And unfortunately, that included my relationship with Michelle.
During this examination, I realised two things. The first was that I still loved Michelle, still cared for her deeply and was still happy around her. I still wanted to spend time with her and reveled in her happiness. All this was evident and true, but I realised that beneath it all, though I still loved her, I was no longer in love with her. Now the difference may not be immediately obvious, but it makes all the difference. What I found was that I could happily continue in my life with Michelle, but that eventually something would go wrong or happen to tear me away from her. I loved her, but I also felt that it was no longer as deep as it should be. In my heart, I knew that if I was to be true to Michelle, I owed her my heart completely, and I could not give that to her.
At the same time as I was realising this, I also realised that something was missing from my life. I have yet to discover what that is and have tried desperately to figure it out. I hoped that the time I spent with Michelle would help me find it and retrieve it, but I realised that that wasn’t the case. In order for me to be true to myself, I need to find this piece of me, and as much as it pains me, I cannot do it with Michelle.
To many of you, I know these things may seem like crap or selfish or not enough of a reason. I have spent months trying to work through them and spent more before that denying their facts. But in the end I realised that I couldn’t and I would just hurt myself, Michelle and others more in the long run if I kept hiding from things. And though the hurt now is great, I see it being greater if I don’t do this.
Finally, what now? - As crazy as it seems, in many ways very little is going to change, and in others, a lot. Michelle and I are still each other’s best friend. We wouldn’t be able to get through this without the other and are trying to be there when we can. We are still likely to speak to each other over skype most days and stay incredibly close. Our future plans are still intertwined in many ways, just not as closely as they were. So what has changed? We’re no longer a couple, and that’s basically it. Yeah, we’re strange ones, but since when has our relationship ever been normal.
I know people will still have questions. I want you to ask them of me. If you have something you want to say to me, whether it is cursing me, slapping me, doing whatever you feel like doing, please do it. The worst thing you can do to me right now is not say anything and then I find out months later how you really feel. There are those of you who may decide to sever ties with me because of this or use it as the excuse you need to break it off entirely, but if thats the case, I want to know so that I won’t bother you again.
In the end, I never wanted to hurt anyone, but first and foremost, I can’t do nothing if it means I am ripping myself apart. This is a change that has to happen for my own sake and to prevent the harm that I was already starting to do. I don’t expect understanding, nor acceptance. Sometimes a path needs to be tread, even if we don’t know where it will lead.
What!? - Yes, it is true. Michelle and I are broken up. This is not some sick joke or precursor to something else. It is just what it is.
Who? - I’m the one that broke up with her. Before I get on to the why, I just want to say it wasn’t anything she did or didn’t do. As per usual, it all falls on me.
Why? - This is the really hard question to answer and I understand if my answer doesn’t really make sense, but please hear it out.
Over the last year, I have been going through quite a bit. Some of its been pretty obvious, as in the case of my grandfather dying, while some have not been so obvious, as in the personal crisis I went through towards the beginning of last year. But what all this has led to is me being forced to take a long, hard look at my life and my future. And unfortunately, that included my relationship with Michelle.
During this examination, I realised two things. The first was that I still loved Michelle, still cared for her deeply and was still happy around her. I still wanted to spend time with her and reveled in her happiness. All this was evident and true, but I realised that beneath it all, though I still loved her, I was no longer in love with her. Now the difference may not be immediately obvious, but it makes all the difference. What I found was that I could happily continue in my life with Michelle, but that eventually something would go wrong or happen to tear me away from her. I loved her, but I also felt that it was no longer as deep as it should be. In my heart, I knew that if I was to be true to Michelle, I owed her my heart completely, and I could not give that to her.
At the same time as I was realising this, I also realised that something was missing from my life. I have yet to discover what that is and have tried desperately to figure it out. I hoped that the time I spent with Michelle would help me find it and retrieve it, but I realised that that wasn’t the case. In order for me to be true to myself, I need to find this piece of me, and as much as it pains me, I cannot do it with Michelle.
To many of you, I know these things may seem like crap or selfish or not enough of a reason. I have spent months trying to work through them and spent more before that denying their facts. But in the end I realised that I couldn’t and I would just hurt myself, Michelle and others more in the long run if I kept hiding from things. And though the hurt now is great, I see it being greater if I don’t do this.
Finally, what now? - As crazy as it seems, in many ways very little is going to change, and in others, a lot. Michelle and I are still each other’s best friend. We wouldn’t be able to get through this without the other and are trying to be there when we can. We are still likely to speak to each other over skype most days and stay incredibly close. Our future plans are still intertwined in many ways, just not as closely as they were. So what has changed? We’re no longer a couple, and that’s basically it. Yeah, we’re strange ones, but since when has our relationship ever been normal.
I know people will still have questions. I want you to ask them of me. If you have something you want to say to me, whether it is cursing me, slapping me, doing whatever you feel like doing, please do it. The worst thing you can do to me right now is not say anything and then I find out months later how you really feel. There are those of you who may decide to sever ties with me because of this or use it as the excuse you need to break it off entirely, but if thats the case, I want to know so that I won’t bother you again.
In the end, I never wanted to hurt anyone, but first and foremost, I can’t do nothing if it means I am ripping myself apart. This is a change that has to happen for my own sake and to prevent the harm that I was already starting to do. I don’t expect understanding, nor acceptance. Sometimes a path needs to be tread, even if we don’t know where it will lead.