maybe you're going to be the one that saves me
It's 2:30 in the morning, my room is a disaster from not having completely unpacked/deciding to get rid of a bunch of stuff from high school, I need to do laundry/pack for the next month away from home in Woods Hole, MA, and I am exhausted. Clearly what I should be doing right now is posting to livejournal. I just thought I would commentate on life a little bit. It's very centripetal-like drivel, so please, feel free to skip. Too lazy to do a cut.
Ever notice how sometimes when you're generally pretty content and things are going your way you still have doubts? You're still nervous about doing the new thing that you've been looking forward to, because maybe you won't be good at it and maybe the people there won't be as cool as you hope they'll be? You still have regrets, stuff you wish you did back then and feel that you can't do it now? Or this nagging little voice telling you, at the same time, that you should do this but under no circumstances should you actually do this. This is what you maybe want but don't want to risk trying, and you know that you'll look back and the this that you didn't do will become one of the regrets you have now. Or will it? Maybe you'll look back and decide that you made the right choice, that it wasn't worth ruining a friendship, especially since it was almost ruined by the same thing from the other person before? And you really know that you're not feeling these feelings but it's this vague reaching out for something familiar that you think could be good because deep down you're so terrified of doing that new thing you've been looking forward to doing from the beginning of this ambiguous paragraph. Why does the human mind make no sense? And how do we manage from imploding from our own thoughts? I only hope that whatever is holding my mind together keeps going for the next two months. Sailing? I'M GOING SAILING? Me, who longs for the freedom that a sailboat provides, the glamor in the relation to the now romanticized image we have of the pirate, but who also was petrified as a girl of her father's speedboat capsizing because he went to fast? Who on cruise ships has been known to get quite nauseous? What the FUCK was I thinking? And why at 2:40 in the morning do I hope that it's him texting, when I know that it's not, and really wouldn't it to be him texting me anyway because then that would be me wanting that, and I don't. Repeat: I just want a familiar thing to take with me in the suitcase of my mind when I fly off to Massachusetts on Sunday. Damn I should go to sleep. And that regret you have, that particular one regret that you know you shouldn't act on, it's still THERE and won't go away and you just wish you could scratch that itch, get that particular knot out, but know nothing will be able to happen for at least the next month, and really, when will you be in a normal situation where that could happen? You know you just need to get it out of your system but still....oh if only I could channel this angst into a female version of Panic at the Disco.
On a more upbeat note, am loving being home and have now seen Iron Man three times, twice in the past two days with the one and only Ms. Ruark (who in my cracked out state I originally typed as "Urak") and am pleased that the rest of the world recognizes Robert Downey Jr. for the wonderful talent he is. Also, boy got a nice butt. Big muscles, full of really intense junkie veins. ALSO: FOURTH INDIANA JONES movie comes out in a week. Less than that-six days. Who isn't pumped for that? Soooooooo many good movies this summer....oh I love the summer.
Ever notice how sometimes when you're generally pretty content and things are going your way you still have doubts? You're still nervous about doing the new thing that you've been looking forward to, because maybe you won't be good at it and maybe the people there won't be as cool as you hope they'll be? You still have regrets, stuff you wish you did back then and feel that you can't do it now? Or this nagging little voice telling you, at the same time, that you should do this but under no circumstances should you actually do this. This is what you maybe want but don't want to risk trying, and you know that you'll look back and the this that you didn't do will become one of the regrets you have now. Or will it? Maybe you'll look back and decide that you made the right choice, that it wasn't worth ruining a friendship, especially since it was almost ruined by the same thing from the other person before? And you really know that you're not feeling these feelings but it's this vague reaching out for something familiar that you think could be good because deep down you're so terrified of doing that new thing you've been looking forward to doing from the beginning of this ambiguous paragraph. Why does the human mind make no sense? And how do we manage from imploding from our own thoughts? I only hope that whatever is holding my mind together keeps going for the next two months. Sailing? I'M GOING SAILING? Me, who longs for the freedom that a sailboat provides, the glamor in the relation to the now romanticized image we have of the pirate, but who also was petrified as a girl of her father's speedboat capsizing because he went to fast? Who on cruise ships has been known to get quite nauseous? What the FUCK was I thinking? And why at 2:40 in the morning do I hope that it's him texting, when I know that it's not, and really wouldn't it to be him texting me anyway because then that would be me wanting that, and I don't. Repeat: I just want a familiar thing to take with me in the suitcase of my mind when I fly off to Massachusetts on Sunday. Damn I should go to sleep. And that regret you have, that particular one regret that you know you shouldn't act on, it's still THERE and won't go away and you just wish you could scratch that itch, get that particular knot out, but know nothing will be able to happen for at least the next month, and really, when will you be in a normal situation where that could happen? You know you just need to get it out of your system but still....oh if only I could channel this angst into a female version of Panic at the Disco.
On a more upbeat note, am loving being home and have now seen Iron Man three times, twice in the past two days with the one and only Ms. Ruark (who in my cracked out state I originally typed as "Urak") and am pleased that the rest of the world recognizes Robert Downey Jr. for the wonderful talent he is. Also, boy got a nice butt. Big muscles, full of really intense junkie veins. ALSO: FOURTH INDIANA JONES movie comes out in a week. Less than that-six days. Who isn't pumped for that? Soooooooo many good movies this summer....oh I love the summer.