(no subject)
I dont even know why I have this journal. I barely have enough time to use it. Sooooooo much, just soooo much happens to me. I think I would just be best writing a book. I have been recently enlightened though. More so then I thought was possible.
I was enlightened in thwe wierdest way too. I went to a show on thursday night in milwaukee. The line up was 40 below summer, Flaw, and ill nino. I went to go see flaw, I am obessed with them. By the end of the night I had kissed 4 boys, and had done something I hate the most. Anywho..... I ended up on flaw's tour bus. It was such an honor, I still dont think that they downloaded how much I love their bend. Thats when it happened. Sarah on one side, with the singer Chris. Then I was just sittin there. We were listening to the new album. He was the nicest guy of the evening. He treated me like no one else had. Just a nice southern boy. The he looked at me in the face, just smiled and told me to cut the act. I said what act. But I knew what he ment. I knew exactly what he ment. Sarah just looked at me like, what the fuck is goin on. He grabbed my face, and pulled me forehead to forhead. Just lookin me in the eyes he told me to cut it out. I just couldn't. I started to cry saying I couldnt. He asked me why I do it then. I told him, if I close my heart up then I can't be hurt. He told me I had a huge heart, he told me that he could feel my heart. He told me to stop my bitter act. He was one of the few to ever know that the way I acted about a week ago was an act. I was just so afraid of loving anything or anyone. I mean I am still the same person, not too much has changed. I just... opened my eyes. I was able to accept things as they are. He helped me out more than I could think of at the time. I am so thankful to have talked to him.
Then that morning, a half an hour after we got home, sarh myself, and kristen took off to St. Louis. It was party central their too. I had too much fun. Until I fell asleep. I was woken up to Larkee (the guy I lost my virginity too. I have known him for going on 3 years. We have always had a little "fling". We dont see eachother much... when we do though it is nice) He gave me a kiss on my head and covered me with a blanket. The he gave me a kiss on the lips. I woke up, looked him in the face... he gave me a real kiss. The I was just tucked away and passed out. With such a lovely kiss, I woke up in the morning with the best intention to wake him up pleasently. When I wnet into his room, Kristen was in the same bed as him. My hear split in two. Considering she knows all about us. I woke her up and pretended like nothing was wrong. I just wanted to stangle her, but morely my heart was broken. They didnt do anything. Which is good. I just was appauled. Appauled that a friend would so that to me. It was just the moral. You know? Like... couldn't you have fuckin slept where you were. Was it REALLY neccessary to go into his room. I was upset, and broken at once. So we made our way home. Once I got home I cried. I was distrought. I was completely not myself. I sucked it up though. We got into an argument. All I wanted was for her to apologize for even going into the same bed as him. It hurt me. Alot. I was mad at him too, till I realized how fucked up he was. But I got over it. I wasnt mad like I should have been. Just hurt. Thats when I realized that Chris of flaw had gotten to me. I was feeling good about myself. I respect myslef. I feel like a totally new person. I couldnt be anymore greatful. I got to bond with sarah too. We haven't done that for a long time. it was nice. I realized how much a sinsere person she is, and how much she gives up for me. I love her more than life itself. I think we should get married.
I was enlightened in thwe wierdest way too. I went to a show on thursday night in milwaukee. The line up was 40 below summer, Flaw, and ill nino. I went to go see flaw, I am obessed with them. By the end of the night I had kissed 4 boys, and had done something I hate the most. Anywho..... I ended up on flaw's tour bus. It was such an honor, I still dont think that they downloaded how much I love their bend. Thats when it happened. Sarah on one side, with the singer Chris. Then I was just sittin there. We were listening to the new album. He was the nicest guy of the evening. He treated me like no one else had. Just a nice southern boy. The he looked at me in the face, just smiled and told me to cut the act. I said what act. But I knew what he ment. I knew exactly what he ment. Sarah just looked at me like, what the fuck is goin on. He grabbed my face, and pulled me forehead to forhead. Just lookin me in the eyes he told me to cut it out. I just couldn't. I started to cry saying I couldnt. He asked me why I do it then. I told him, if I close my heart up then I can't be hurt. He told me I had a huge heart, he told me that he could feel my heart. He told me to stop my bitter act. He was one of the few to ever know that the way I acted about a week ago was an act. I was just so afraid of loving anything or anyone. I mean I am still the same person, not too much has changed. I just... opened my eyes. I was able to accept things as they are. He helped me out more than I could think of at the time. I am so thankful to have talked to him.
Then that morning, a half an hour after we got home, sarh myself, and kristen took off to St. Louis. It was party central their too. I had too much fun. Until I fell asleep. I was woken up to Larkee (the guy I lost my virginity too. I have known him for going on 3 years. We have always had a little "fling". We dont see eachother much... when we do though it is nice) He gave me a kiss on my head and covered me with a blanket. The he gave me a kiss on the lips. I woke up, looked him in the face... he gave me a real kiss. The I was just tucked away and passed out. With such a lovely kiss, I woke up in the morning with the best intention to wake him up pleasently. When I wnet into his room, Kristen was in the same bed as him. My hear split in two. Considering she knows all about us. I woke her up and pretended like nothing was wrong. I just wanted to stangle her, but morely my heart was broken. They didnt do anything. Which is good. I just was appauled. Appauled that a friend would so that to me. It was just the moral. You know? Like... couldn't you have fuckin slept where you were. Was it REALLY neccessary to go into his room. I was upset, and broken at once. So we made our way home. Once I got home I cried. I was distrought. I was completely not myself. I sucked it up though. We got into an argument. All I wanted was for her to apologize for even going into the same bed as him. It hurt me. Alot. I was mad at him too, till I realized how fucked up he was. But I got over it. I wasnt mad like I should have been. Just hurt. Thats when I realized that Chris of flaw had gotten to me. I was feeling good about myself. I respect myslef. I feel like a totally new person. I couldnt be anymore greatful. I got to bond with sarah too. We haven't done that for a long time. it was nice. I realized how much a sinsere person she is, and how much she gives up for me. I love her more than life itself. I think we should get married.