It has been a few minutes huh?
Hi once again....hows it going?
Anyway, it has been quite a while since my last update and i am super bored right now and I have a lot on my mind so why not right? Anyway, I am over my moms house right now. I haven't seen her in quite some time and this is the first time I am spending the night. It has been an interesting evening. Everything is getting so frusturating latley. I am really annoyed now because I was supposed to pring up some articles for research over here and my mom bought ink and everything but she ran out of paper and she is asleep now. That sucks a lot. Anyway, I will work on my trig homework and read the stuff I already have. I hate the way things are going right now. Just I have so much on my mind and sometimes it feels like I really have no one to talk to. I am not even sure if I want anyone to talk to. I just feel so trapped inside. Just like I am stuck and I have nowhere to go. It really is not a good feeling. I am worried about so much stuff. I am scared of losing people again. I really thought I was getting over that and I latley I realized I'm not. Its getting to the point now where I am not really looking forward to Christmas or Break because I am scared to death it is going to be freshmen year break all over again. I am just sick and tired of being afraid and feeling stuck and like this pain in me all the time. I am also sick and tired of these damn panicky feelings I have been getting all the time. I will just be laying around and then my hands get freezing cold and my stomach feels like it is going to fall out my butt. I HATE THAT FEELING.
Tonight my mom took me and my sister out to dinner. It was a really really nice restaurant and we had a good time. Well it wasn't bad. My sister kept on bringing up bad conversational topics that led to bad situations which led to a very uncomfortable atmosphere. Also, everytime I go anywhere with my immediate family, I realize how much I don't fit in and how much they honestly pay attention. I would start a story, the waitress would stop me in the middle of it, and then I didn't pick back up just to see if they would notice or realize I didn't finish, and they didn't. This didn't just happen once, this happened a lot. The things I talk about just don't interest my family and they will never really understand who I am and they are never going to be able to laugh at the things I laugh at. I also thought this might bring me some closure with some stuff but it just opened a bunch of stuff back up. I don't know. These past few weeks I just feel like I really can't talk to anybody. Thats a first. Normally I talk to somebody. I haven't talk to anybody bout the way I have been feeling. I also have been pushing back these feelings and putting on fake smiles. I thought at least that way I could still have fun with my friends. I hate being the person who needs people. I hate having to be dependent on other people but right now I need a certain someone of whom I am scared to talk to due to the fact that I am afraid to open up to them because I am afraid they are going to leave. I had a breakdown last night and I am on the brink of one now and I just wish with everything in my power that they were right now. I wish that they could see what I see and I could talk to them and explain how I feel so that I could just cry and have that oh so comforting shoulder. But, even if they were here I don't think I could do that because I am just not strong enough to put that much trust in someone. I try so hard to be but I never can. A few weeks ago I could have, but not now. I dont know why I feel so weird anymore. I just want to runaway and live in a shack in the woods for a while. This way I cant make anyone feel bad and I dont have to worry about everyone else. This way I dont have to worry bout other poeple being mad at me, school in general, and family. I am just so sick of feeling this way. Its like right when I think everything is going good, something always falls apart and I have tried thinking positive. It just doesn't work. Not only that, but religion is another tough issue. It is really hard to go home to a house that turns everything to god when I am not sure if that is what I want to do. Its not like I can talk to them about it because all they are going to say is that you have to believe, you have to believe. I know that they get upset with me when I dont go to church. Right now religion is so confusing and I am just trying to find myself let alone god. Overall, I just have so much going on in my brain I just want to shut it off and make it go away.
Closing thoughts: At dinner tonight there was a magician. This magician was really good. The only thing with magicians is the fact that you want to believe everything they are doing is real, but, you know in the back of your mind its all an illusion. This made me think of how things are with me right now. Right now, everything that is going on with someone I truly care about, I want to belive it is really happening, and hopefully time will prove it wrong, but I am afraid like a magic trick, it is all an illusion and it will just fade away into what it began as: something unreal and untouchable.
Anyway, it has been quite a while since my last update and i am super bored right now and I have a lot on my mind so why not right? Anyway, I am over my moms house right now. I haven't seen her in quite some time and this is the first time I am spending the night. It has been an interesting evening. Everything is getting so frusturating latley. I am really annoyed now because I was supposed to pring up some articles for research over here and my mom bought ink and everything but she ran out of paper and she is asleep now. That sucks a lot. Anyway, I will work on my trig homework and read the stuff I already have. I hate the way things are going right now. Just I have so much on my mind and sometimes it feels like I really have no one to talk to. I am not even sure if I want anyone to talk to. I just feel so trapped inside. Just like I am stuck and I have nowhere to go. It really is not a good feeling. I am worried about so much stuff. I am scared of losing people again. I really thought I was getting over that and I latley I realized I'm not. Its getting to the point now where I am not really looking forward to Christmas or Break because I am scared to death it is going to be freshmen year break all over again. I am just sick and tired of being afraid and feeling stuck and like this pain in me all the time. I am also sick and tired of these damn panicky feelings I have been getting all the time. I will just be laying around and then my hands get freezing cold and my stomach feels like it is going to fall out my butt. I HATE THAT FEELING.
Tonight my mom took me and my sister out to dinner. It was a really really nice restaurant and we had a good time. Well it wasn't bad. My sister kept on bringing up bad conversational topics that led to bad situations which led to a very uncomfortable atmosphere. Also, everytime I go anywhere with my immediate family, I realize how much I don't fit in and how much they honestly pay attention. I would start a story, the waitress would stop me in the middle of it, and then I didn't pick back up just to see if they would notice or realize I didn't finish, and they didn't. This didn't just happen once, this happened a lot. The things I talk about just don't interest my family and they will never really understand who I am and they are never going to be able to laugh at the things I laugh at. I also thought this might bring me some closure with some stuff but it just opened a bunch of stuff back up. I don't know. These past few weeks I just feel like I really can't talk to anybody. Thats a first. Normally I talk to somebody. I haven't talk to anybody bout the way I have been feeling. I also have been pushing back these feelings and putting on fake smiles. I thought at least that way I could still have fun with my friends. I hate being the person who needs people. I hate having to be dependent on other people but right now I need a certain someone of whom I am scared to talk to due to the fact that I am afraid to open up to them because I am afraid they are going to leave. I had a breakdown last night and I am on the brink of one now and I just wish with everything in my power that they were right now. I wish that they could see what I see and I could talk to them and explain how I feel so that I could just cry and have that oh so comforting shoulder. But, even if they were here I don't think I could do that because I am just not strong enough to put that much trust in someone. I try so hard to be but I never can. A few weeks ago I could have, but not now. I dont know why I feel so weird anymore. I just want to runaway and live in a shack in the woods for a while. This way I cant make anyone feel bad and I dont have to worry about everyone else. This way I dont have to worry bout other poeple being mad at me, school in general, and family. I am just so sick of feeling this way. Its like right when I think everything is going good, something always falls apart and I have tried thinking positive. It just doesn't work. Not only that, but religion is another tough issue. It is really hard to go home to a house that turns everything to god when I am not sure if that is what I want to do. Its not like I can talk to them about it because all they are going to say is that you have to believe, you have to believe. I know that they get upset with me when I dont go to church. Right now religion is so confusing and I am just trying to find myself let alone god. Overall, I just have so much going on in my brain I just want to shut it off and make it go away.
Closing thoughts: At dinner tonight there was a magician. This magician was really good. The only thing with magicians is the fact that you want to believe everything they are doing is real, but, you know in the back of your mind its all an illusion. This made me think of how things are with me right now. Right now, everything that is going on with someone I truly care about, I want to belive it is really happening, and hopefully time will prove it wrong, but I am afraid like a magic trick, it is all an illusion and it will just fade away into what it began as: something unreal and untouchable.