Santa Claus Tries The Karen Carpenter Way To Weight Loss
I took my life into my own hands the other day by snapping a picture of someone riding the bus with me who probably needed little excuse to hold me down and gnaw on my throat. Some girl sitting next to me kept looking over to see what I was doing, so I had to go about my business warily because she probably would have thought poorly of me if she knew I was taking some loony's picture so I - and others - could make fun of it later. (As if anyone's opinion has ever stopped me before.) They say a picture is worth a thousand words; this one's worth at least five. This is what I subject my mortal flesh to twice a day.
1. In my haste I didn't check to make sure the words were clear enough to read, but this unfortunate looking individual is wearing a t-shirt that says, "Forty... Twice as nice as twenty." First of all... ain't nothin' nice about that, forty or (clearly) no. Second, unless you're functionally retarded you can tell this man is pushing seventy years of age. What is that, like three-and-a-half times as nice as twenty? Obviously not.
2. Every little kid tried the old burning-ants-with-a-magnifying-glass trick. This guy can do it if he angles his head right. The lenses are thicker than my thumb. There comes a time when a person becomes so blind that he might as well stop kidding himself and just buy one of those canes and a nice yellow lab, otherwise it becomes embarrassing. Stop the insanity. (As an aside, being legally blind could account for the outfit...)
3. The SideKick II's camera has its limitations, but the dirty, long nails are still visible. I looked at them and thought of Charles Manson. I don't doubt they could easily cut flesh. Unless they make diamond-edged nail clippers, it's beyond too late.
4. The 'Tis The Season beard and Albert Einstein hair are the classiest things. I've ever seen. In my entire. Life. I understand that not showering falls into the Inalienable Rights column, but Christ... a pack of disposable razors is like $3.00 at Walgreen's, tops. PLEASE take a sharp tool to that smarm factory on your face.
5. Faux Timberlands cap the package off. With teal socks, no less. Say what you will, the man knows how to match and accessorize what he's got.
I've been looking into getting myself a firearm.
Post script: R.I.P. Paris2. You inspired many an office pool about when you'd break it off (first week in October 2005 wins the pot!) and many a laugh at how you managed to look like Wal-Mart shoppers in public when your combined worth was well into the hundred millions. Thanks for the good times, and we know it's only a matter of time before Paris♀ crawls back to Rick Salomon (I'm in for $20 on January 2006) and Paris♂ has the common decency to fade into obscurity, content with his status as a footnote in Paris♀'s next tell-all book.
1. In my haste I didn't check to make sure the words were clear enough to read, but this unfortunate looking individual is wearing a t-shirt that says, "Forty... Twice as nice as twenty." First of all... ain't nothin' nice about that, forty or (clearly) no. Second, unless you're functionally retarded you can tell this man is pushing seventy years of age. What is that, like three-and-a-half times as nice as twenty? Obviously not.
2. Every little kid tried the old burning-ants-with-a-magnifying-glass trick. This guy can do it if he angles his head right. The lenses are thicker than my thumb. There comes a time when a person becomes so blind that he might as well stop kidding himself and just buy one of those canes and a nice yellow lab, otherwise it becomes embarrassing. Stop the insanity. (As an aside, being legally blind could account for the outfit...)
3. The SideKick II's camera has its limitations, but the dirty, long nails are still visible. I looked at them and thought of Charles Manson. I don't doubt they could easily cut flesh. Unless they make diamond-edged nail clippers, it's beyond too late.
4. The 'Tis The Season beard and Albert Einstein hair are the classiest things. I've ever seen. In my entire. Life. I understand that not showering falls into the Inalienable Rights column, but Christ... a pack of disposable razors is like $3.00 at Walgreen's, tops. PLEASE take a sharp tool to that smarm factory on your face.
5. Faux Timberlands cap the package off. With teal socks, no less. Say what you will, the man knows how to match and accessorize what he's got.
I've been looking into getting myself a firearm.
Post script: R.I.P. Paris2. You inspired many an office pool about when you'd break it off (first week in October 2005 wins the pot!) and many a laugh at how you managed to look like Wal-Mart shoppers in public when your combined worth was well into the hundred millions. Thanks for the good times, and we know it's only a matter of time before Paris♀ crawls back to Rick Salomon (I'm in for $20 on January 2006) and Paris♂ has the common decency to fade into obscurity, content with his status as a footnote in Paris♀'s next tell-all book.