two rejections into it:
UBC & McMaster have denied me interviews. I swallow & move on. It's the truth to say that I don't have my life or its plan figured out, since I'm not the one holding it in the first place.
My own ignorance, pride & fallibility never cease to amaze & humble me. The depravity of my thoughts & intentions is quite disgusting at times.
My academic habits have definitely not been as dedicated as they were in high school, & it definitely shows. Volunteer journalism-ing with Alternative Frequency & trying to figure out how to lead a not-so-small group of Christians have definitely taken priority over catching up with school at times. Is this an indication that I won't ever be as academically successful? My priorities have realigned. And I know this by the sleep I sacrifice to wake up in the mornings to walk to prayer meetings, & by the increasing time I devote to seek & to be with God. Does that mean my marks should suffer? Does that mean I will devoting my life in a vocation that will not require academic success? Is this what I have gone through university to learn & come away with?
No, I don't believe so.
A lot of things have been taken away from me. People, academic success, health, technology, acceptances, certainty. Different things have been given to me. New opportunities that come with challenges, failures, (extremely mild) silent suffering, lessons so many lessons on passion, devotion, peace, joy, boldness, love. The privilege of investing in individual lives & growing together with people.
But sometimes, though I'd like to think that I count successes & failures much differently than the world does, and that my transcript & CV do not define who I am -- like I said, I am still fallible. I still compare. Though I'd like to think that I've become a better person in the context of a bigger world, not for my sake, but for Someone Else's glory and renown, I still hoard precious moments for myself. I still despair, I still worry and I still regret.
I definitely have no use for the knowledge that my marks have been based on -- I forget the things I study as soon as I hand in the exam & walk out the room. What I have learned & will remember is shaped by my decisions & what I will do next. Yet, not every decision I make is part of a greater purpose. I lack foresight so many times. Still. What remains is never visible; the tangible is always ephemereal.
I have learned that I still have much farther to go. (I am still passive & unresponsive to opportunities in situations that require initiative. And I still regret.) What can I say for certain? My faith has increased, my hope in what cannot be seen & what I do not know. And there's a lot that I can't see, and there's a lot that I don't know.
My own ignorance, pride & fallibility never cease to amaze & humble me. The depravity of my thoughts & intentions is quite disgusting at times.
My academic habits have definitely not been as dedicated as they were in high school, & it definitely shows. Volunteer journalism-ing with Alternative Frequency & trying to figure out how to lead a not-so-small group of Christians have definitely taken priority over catching up with school at times. Is this an indication that I won't ever be as academically successful? My priorities have realigned. And I know this by the sleep I sacrifice to wake up in the mornings to walk to prayer meetings, & by the increasing time I devote to seek & to be with God. Does that mean my marks should suffer? Does that mean I will devoting my life in a vocation that will not require academic success? Is this what I have gone through university to learn & come away with?
No, I don't believe so.
A lot of things have been taken away from me. People, academic success, health, technology, acceptances, certainty. Different things have been given to me. New opportunities that come with challenges, failures, (extremely mild) silent suffering, lessons so many lessons on passion, devotion, peace, joy, boldness, love. The privilege of investing in individual lives & growing together with people.
But sometimes, though I'd like to think that I count successes & failures much differently than the world does, and that my transcript & CV do not define who I am -- like I said, I am still fallible. I still compare. Though I'd like to think that I've become a better person in the context of a bigger world, not for my sake, but for Someone Else's glory and renown, I still hoard precious moments for myself. I still despair, I still worry and I still regret.
I definitely have no use for the knowledge that my marks have been based on -- I forget the things I study as soon as I hand in the exam & walk out the room. What I have learned & will remember is shaped by my decisions & what I will do next. Yet, not every decision I make is part of a greater purpose. I lack foresight so many times. Still. What remains is never visible; the tangible is always ephemereal.
I have learned that I still have much farther to go. (I am still passive & unresponsive to opportunities in situations that require initiative. And I still regret.) What can I say for certain? My faith has increased, my hope in what cannot be seen & what I do not know. And there's a lot that I can't see, and there's a lot that I don't know.