Sweet like cinnamon
So hey, this has actually been kind of a tough time for me.
I'm still readjusting to life in California, which I didn't think would be so difficult. Did you know that spending even one year in a totally fucked up place can do a whole lot of damage to your ways of thinking and interacting with the people around you? It's true! So true.
I've had a few conflicts with the woman I'm seeing because of it. I don't want to go into details about it, but a couple weeks ago, she told me that I'm a lot less easy-going and more intolerant than it seems like I would be, and that was tough to hear because I know it's true and I've been trying to fight it. I used to be that way; I took pride in it, and I was known for it. Then when I came back to CA, I was quicker to anger and frustration, quicker to judge and dismiss others. She and I tried together to get down to the bottom of it, and I think I figured out that it was a response to Savannah being such an insidiously self-destructive place. If I let myself be part of it, it would have hurt me, and badly. So the last six months I was there were essentially a crash course in how to devalue and ignore most of my surroundings. Now I've brought it back with me and I have to do something about it.
One thing about California that's really difficult to explain is that even though it has its problems, it's an unstoppably creative and innovative place. People are excited about their lives, and they want to build something better. Nobody wants to draw me into a world of hatred and laziness here. As Utah Phillips said, you've got to have an open mind in California, and if you don't have one, they'll pry it open.
So we talked about that for a while, why I hold my cards so close these days and hedge all my bets. She told me, "Keep your love for me close to the surface," and I really think that changed my life.
I'm getting back on track now, or I'm trying, at least. I'm lifting my boots out of the mud and setting my sights on real goals. I'm embracing the changing weather. I may be naive, and it still might come crashing down someday, but a moment of chagrin is better than a lifetime of low expectations.
I'm still readjusting to life in California, which I didn't think would be so difficult. Did you know that spending even one year in a totally fucked up place can do a whole lot of damage to your ways of thinking and interacting with the people around you? It's true! So true.
I've had a few conflicts with the woman I'm seeing because of it. I don't want to go into details about it, but a couple weeks ago, she told me that I'm a lot less easy-going and more intolerant than it seems like I would be, and that was tough to hear because I know it's true and I've been trying to fight it. I used to be that way; I took pride in it, and I was known for it. Then when I came back to CA, I was quicker to anger and frustration, quicker to judge and dismiss others. She and I tried together to get down to the bottom of it, and I think I figured out that it was a response to Savannah being such an insidiously self-destructive place. If I let myself be part of it, it would have hurt me, and badly. So the last six months I was there were essentially a crash course in how to devalue and ignore most of my surroundings. Now I've brought it back with me and I have to do something about it.
One thing about California that's really difficult to explain is that even though it has its problems, it's an unstoppably creative and innovative place. People are excited about their lives, and they want to build something better. Nobody wants to draw me into a world of hatred and laziness here. As Utah Phillips said, you've got to have an open mind in California, and if you don't have one, they'll pry it open.
So we talked about that for a while, why I hold my cards so close these days and hedge all my bets. She told me, "Keep your love for me close to the surface," and I really think that changed my life.
I'm getting back on track now, or I'm trying, at least. I'm lifting my boots out of the mud and setting my sights on real goals. I'm embracing the changing weather. I may be naive, and it still might come crashing down someday, but a moment of chagrin is better than a lifetime of low expectations.