(no subject)
I'm sitting here reading back my entries. Why? Because I woke up to a horrible message from Tracey telling me just how mean and awful and cruel I am for bragging about spending my money on myself and then going home to my mom and not having to spend a cent on rent or anything. I called him and told him that I will have to shut him out if he keeps spinning it like that after reading these entries.
I don't know. I know things would be easier if I could just shut him out and let things be, but I can't. I still think of him as my husband, my soulmate, and every minute away from him is crushing me. I keep thinking about time in terms of his hours. Now for example, it's 2:45 PM Swedish time. 8:45 AM for him and he is probably getting ready for work. In so and so many hours he will come home and every minute of every day I fight the urge to call him, and to tell him I miss him and that I would do anything to make things right.
The truth is that I have no idea how to live my life without him and I feel like I have been dropped in a vaguely familiar country, where things have no meaning to me. I have my family here, and although I love them I miss my other family -- his. I miss my cats and just want to cry when I realise that I won't see them again. I miss Riverside. I miss being able to walk down to the river. I miss knowing where everything is and I miss being in the same time zone as my friends. I feel like I have lost everything and I don't know how to pick up again.
I avoid seeing people, because I know I have to talk about it, and I can't. I don't know how. We were supposed to do this together. We were supposed to move here together, and start a new life and now? I don't want a new life. I don't want this country. I want things back the way they were, and I never will.
I keep knitting, but every stitch hurts to make because we used to knit together. I bought a new journal, because the old one had his last name after mine, with a hyphen in the middle. Every piece of clothing I have he bought me or I bought me when he was with me. Every song of Ani he loved as much as I do and I can't stand listening to them anymore.
I know this is probably getting old to read, but I can't help it. I hate my life without him in it. It just seems meaningless. I always knew I loved him, I guess I just didn't know how much until this happened.