Life, of late
Recently, life has been very hard. Oh, it's been hard for me for months, really, but the past couple of weeks were the worst yet. I have felt so torn up inside and lost and confused and angry and stressed, and that's just the easy to pinpoint stuff.
But hard does not necessarily mean bad, as I am learning. I have realized for the first time in a long while and perhaps ever that I am a real person and life and people mean something to me. I'm not saying I've found some great purpose for my life that automatically makes every day worth living or anything yet, but I have no days that seem worth not living, if that makes any sense. Maybe at the time I don't realize it, but looking back, I wouldn't give any of them up, even if I felt miserable.
I've been having a bit of a weight struggle lately. I know that guys aren't into twigs. I know that I am too skinny already to fit the tastes of at least one guy I know, though it isn't someone who I care about finding me very attractive. And yet, I still think I am too fat. Not by much, but by enough that it is hard. I have outgrown some pants and I hate it when that happens, which actually hasn't happened for years. In fact, the last clothes I had outgrown were shirts that had too small armholes for me.
Another troublesome point lately has been bouts of anger for no reason that I know of. Everything combined right now had me afraid to be alone for a while last night, which is a state I have never been in, because I have always prefered to be alone.
I am finally easing up with the Table and Guild folks, as I realized on Saturday night. I don't know if anyone else realized it at the time, but I know they realized it today for sure when at dinner I spoke with the group I believe it was a grand total of 3 times, as opposed to my usual 0. They're all teasing me now, when before it was just Nigel and occasionally Eliot who would do so, and I think Abby's right, we are fitting in and becoming accepted. Tonight they discussed what sort of geeks each of us are, and Sarah said something to the effect of she does not know me well enough to know, because I never speak really. I was almost ashamed to hear such a thing, but I know it is true. It's not like rarely speaking is wrong; it just makes knowing me more difficult. They finally decided that I am a goth geek. I don't think that is quite right; I don't bother with the make-up to be a full-fledged goth, but the idea is probably right, I guess. I can't really judge myself like that, because I am me, so I see things differently.
I got great news today! My friend Neil Carr, from high school, who graduated when I was a Sophomore and joined the Army so we lost touch, has finally touched base with the Holmgren family again. I was clearly not home to see him, but mom says she gave him how to get a hold of me and that I have been missing him, which I have, especially because some of the things he says are...well, geeky stuff that Abby says, so she makes me think of him at times.
But hard does not necessarily mean bad, as I am learning. I have realized for the first time in a long while and perhaps ever that I am a real person and life and people mean something to me. I'm not saying I've found some great purpose for my life that automatically makes every day worth living or anything yet, but I have no days that seem worth not living, if that makes any sense. Maybe at the time I don't realize it, but looking back, I wouldn't give any of them up, even if I felt miserable.
I've been having a bit of a weight struggle lately. I know that guys aren't into twigs. I know that I am too skinny already to fit the tastes of at least one guy I know, though it isn't someone who I care about finding me very attractive. And yet, I still think I am too fat. Not by much, but by enough that it is hard. I have outgrown some pants and I hate it when that happens, which actually hasn't happened for years. In fact, the last clothes I had outgrown were shirts that had too small armholes for me.
Another troublesome point lately has been bouts of anger for no reason that I know of. Everything combined right now had me afraid to be alone for a while last night, which is a state I have never been in, because I have always prefered to be alone.
I am finally easing up with the Table and Guild folks, as I realized on Saturday night. I don't know if anyone else realized it at the time, but I know they realized it today for sure when at dinner I spoke with the group I believe it was a grand total of 3 times, as opposed to my usual 0. They're all teasing me now, when before it was just Nigel and occasionally Eliot who would do so, and I think Abby's right, we are fitting in and becoming accepted. Tonight they discussed what sort of geeks each of us are, and Sarah said something to the effect of she does not know me well enough to know, because I never speak really. I was almost ashamed to hear such a thing, but I know it is true. It's not like rarely speaking is wrong; it just makes knowing me more difficult. They finally decided that I am a goth geek. I don't think that is quite right; I don't bother with the make-up to be a full-fledged goth, but the idea is probably right, I guess. I can't really judge myself like that, because I am me, so I see things differently.
I got great news today! My friend Neil Carr, from high school, who graduated when I was a Sophomore and joined the Army so we lost touch, has finally touched base with the Holmgren family again. I was clearly not home to see him, but mom says she gave him how to get a hold of me and that I have been missing him, which I have, especially because some of the things he says are...well, geeky stuff that Abby says, so she makes me think of him at times.