(no subject)
Things in my life seem to be making me; telling me that i am more awakened. Tonight I went to where Abby lives on Benny st. It was not a good house I was really hot and the house was shittily made, construction-wise. It was a party of Kevin's 3rd floor of which I was a small part. I drove, so I wasn't going to drink much. Tom was there. Kevin and Tom have aspirations of living together in a house/apartment, but Kevins parents don't want him to leave for fear that he will not come back or some shit. People need to let go... I need to let go. Adam lives in that house too. He said I pretty much have a job at the catering place because he is the guy who hires. Chris and Matt came. Chris asked me if we should stay or go. I told him go, this was not a good party. We ended up at Jims house and eventually to a party. But of course I didn't want to be there, especially not with Jim. Jim is an alright guy, but he lives a different life than me. There is a line in this book "Choke" where the main character say that men are not born chauvinist pigs, but are made that way... and more and more by women, because you can only stand being told you are the enemy and what the enemy traits are before you become the enemy and develop the traits that go along with it. Now I don't know if that is true, but I would almost like to believe it because it gives the people I don't like a more three dimensional character. I don't hate them because they are these things, I hate them because they gave up and turned into these things. Jim doesn't understand why I am not like him... no thats not what I meant... he doesn't understand WHY I am not like him. Him and most other guys he knows. I hate most college parties. Actually all the ones that I have gone to I have hated. The fact about the whole night was that this was not fun or comfortable. I wasn't with people I wanted to be around, excluding Matt and Chris. I can't really understand the people I'm surrounded by; can't understand why they conformed to this image that no one really IS its just like some company put the image out and people gave up individuality to embrace a common falsehood. Are there people like me anywhere? Maybe I should let this illusion go.