new beginning i guess
Nov. 20th
Things have been a bit of a blur lately just seems like work, bored, lonely and repeat. This is going to be all brittnyish because well I don’t have anyone else and I haven’t been doing anything but working. I did work a 40 hour week this week and make over 100$ extra in visa.
At first I was assuming I was missing brittny because I had no one else to take my mind off her and spend time with or be the least bit physically close to and she was last person I was with but im not sure that’s right. Im pretty certain its still feelings for her that make me reach out to her. Also because from what shes said about keith which I feel is a good deal I don’t think its going well or will and I want to help but it doesn’t look like shes going to get rid of him anytime soon. She must like him a lot because shes trying and hes not at all but his little half answers are keeping her going. I just don’t see good things happening and I don’t care what she has to do with me I don’t want her hurting shes an amazing person who tries as hard as she can to be happy. It must be some great sex because it seems like he isnt there emotionally at all unless he is there in which case hes usually asleep. Id tried to talk about it some with her but she got really angry and im sure it wasn’t all her, I don’t care much for him period so maybe I coulda been nicer nut I still think im righti don’t have to like someone to give an unbiased opinion, I care about her and if she were in a good place or happy id never critique it but shes not. She also is going to excuse some of it because of “seasonal depression” but that’s more of a cop out. Im not saying she doesn’t have it, she is noticeably more depressed or easier in the winter season BUT shes not how she is now if she had someone helpful around. Id like to think with improvements I’ve been trying to make I could have helped, a lot of the time all that upset her before and I’ll guess now is that she was left alone all the time and that’s something easy to do something about. Id gladly give up more time there and I know it is a it harder for keith with work being so far away but he makes lots of unnecessary trips home and such that are excuses. I swear if I saw any chance of good coming out id be all for it but I just don’t see from what shes said at least that he has any initiative to do things she needs. I just don’t see it happening, he ignores her when hes not there and I never even intentionally didn’t reply and it would drive her insane and fucked up her nights. Wish there was something I could do.
Don’t get me wrong, I like to pretend if he were gone I’d have more time with her and it might be nice but that’s a guess anyway. She could just as easily say no without him too im sure. I don’t know what I think a lot or how I feel. There are plenty of girls, I cant have them but even if I could if I was with one and brittny told me there was an emergency or she was going to do something bad and needed someone id ditch whoever i was with and show up. Does that say anything? I feel bad because I’ve been getting frustrated with her a lot lately and its not on purpose I think its just because I care, I love her, and I hate seeing how shes so miserable now and im not allowed to do anything and I just honestly believe I could be a lot better than that had I ever gotten another chance after learning everything I did before. Especially because now ive seen with keith shes trying to confront issues she has rather than hide them and shes trying to communicate so I know if she did that with me and me listening and trying it could work. I just know she doesn’t deserve this and I want to give her better somehow. Its in me to do it.
We’d been talking a lot for a few nights, I assume because keith has ditched coming over or something or another but it ende dup being around a lot of issues I had before and I kept trying to find where I was wrong an compromises and I think she felt like we were arguing but Im pretty sure I was just jumping like it was a chance to have preinterviews incase keith ended up gone so I could be better and more prepared and understand things I previously threw fits about better. It ened up leading to her asking me to come over at like 2am and I asked why and never got a concrete answer and wasn’t going to drive out there at 2am to sit a foot and a half apart or sleep on the couch. The next day we talked all day while I was at work (which could get me fired but I did it anyway, I guess that says something) and ended up before I left talked about coming over but it gets old sitting or whatever im fucking lonely I want contact, I don’t mean a blow job I just mean lay down and snuggle up for a movie or something small, because im pathetic I’ve learned and that’s she shit I miss most. I said id only come if there was snuggling of some sort waiting to hear no and go to pool hall and she said maybe. Now its commonly known that when a girl says maybe that really means no 99% of the time but I’ve been behind in the odds for a while now so I went. We had to go to barnes and noble first and I got pissy there because I just get frustrated in public because I cant put arm around her or do all the stuff im used to and want to do plus I knew shed look at everything in the store. After that I knew id argue or do something stupid if I talked so I just layed down in the seat for ride home. Got home and I dot know why I guess I just knew I wouldn’t get what I wanted but I plopped on the bed hugged a pillow and stared at the wall falling in and out of sleep and she was in living room, I told myself if shes not here by 9 im leaving this is stupid. Right before 9 she showed up and started reading. No movie. She of course sat in a way to which she wasn’t in any danger of touching me. I just closed my eyes and hoped something positive would happen and the cat kept touching me and I kept getting happy till I realized it was a foot or tail of an animal. Bottom line I layed there for two hours in and out of sleep wishing and of course it didn’t come. I left without hugging her because I was upset and then texted her some useless shit. Terrible night. My fault I knew it coming in, even if I had made her promise id have let her out of it, if someone doesn’t want something no reason to force them.
What am I doing anymore? Whats next?
Daphne Loves Derby - Part of My Past
Make this ride as fast as I can
Tonight this road home feels a little longer
I hope you know that you were my best friend
Tonight I said goodbye, but I should have said more
Thanks for the best time of my life.
Come home, now that you're gone I've finally realized
That you were the best
Come home, I won't forget the times that we had
I'm wishing that you weren't a part of my past
Emptiness swallows this town
From now on I will be alone for good
Will you remember my name?
I'm hoping that I will hear from you soon
Thank you for everything
Come home, now that you're gone I've finally realized
That you were the best
Come home, I won't forget the times that we had
So please don't be a part of my past
Daphne Loves Derby - Christmas Lights
It's been 2 weeks since you left from this town
3 more days and you'll be home to save me from this winter chill
Christmas lights in different shades of blue
I look so pale I feel so stiff to not be here with you
Just tell me that you miss me too
You've been gone for too long
And I, I need you to be back come with me now (come back)
The snow outside means nothing when you're gone
Everything I needed is in you,so please come back.
Please tell me everything about your stay
So I'll listen till the end even if you dont make sense now
December never was this dull before
I'll wait for your return just tell me you'll return
Just tell me that you miss me too
You've been gone for too long
Things have been a bit of a blur lately just seems like work, bored, lonely and repeat. This is going to be all brittnyish because well I don’t have anyone else and I haven’t been doing anything but working. I did work a 40 hour week this week and make over 100$ extra in visa.
At first I was assuming I was missing brittny because I had no one else to take my mind off her and spend time with or be the least bit physically close to and she was last person I was with but im not sure that’s right. Im pretty certain its still feelings for her that make me reach out to her. Also because from what shes said about keith which I feel is a good deal I don’t think its going well or will and I want to help but it doesn’t look like shes going to get rid of him anytime soon. She must like him a lot because shes trying and hes not at all but his little half answers are keeping her going. I just don’t see good things happening and I don’t care what she has to do with me I don’t want her hurting shes an amazing person who tries as hard as she can to be happy. It must be some great sex because it seems like he isnt there emotionally at all unless he is there in which case hes usually asleep. Id tried to talk about it some with her but she got really angry and im sure it wasn’t all her, I don’t care much for him period so maybe I coulda been nicer nut I still think im righti don’t have to like someone to give an unbiased opinion, I care about her and if she were in a good place or happy id never critique it but shes not. She also is going to excuse some of it because of “seasonal depression” but that’s more of a cop out. Im not saying she doesn’t have it, she is noticeably more depressed or easier in the winter season BUT shes not how she is now if she had someone helpful around. Id like to think with improvements I’ve been trying to make I could have helped, a lot of the time all that upset her before and I’ll guess now is that she was left alone all the time and that’s something easy to do something about. Id gladly give up more time there and I know it is a it harder for keith with work being so far away but he makes lots of unnecessary trips home and such that are excuses. I swear if I saw any chance of good coming out id be all for it but I just don’t see from what shes said at least that he has any initiative to do things she needs. I just don’t see it happening, he ignores her when hes not there and I never even intentionally didn’t reply and it would drive her insane and fucked up her nights. Wish there was something I could do.
Don’t get me wrong, I like to pretend if he were gone I’d have more time with her and it might be nice but that’s a guess anyway. She could just as easily say no without him too im sure. I don’t know what I think a lot or how I feel. There are plenty of girls, I cant have them but even if I could if I was with one and brittny told me there was an emergency or she was going to do something bad and needed someone id ditch whoever i was with and show up. Does that say anything? I feel bad because I’ve been getting frustrated with her a lot lately and its not on purpose I think its just because I care, I love her, and I hate seeing how shes so miserable now and im not allowed to do anything and I just honestly believe I could be a lot better than that had I ever gotten another chance after learning everything I did before. Especially because now ive seen with keith shes trying to confront issues she has rather than hide them and shes trying to communicate so I know if she did that with me and me listening and trying it could work. I just know she doesn’t deserve this and I want to give her better somehow. Its in me to do it.
We’d been talking a lot for a few nights, I assume because keith has ditched coming over or something or another but it ende dup being around a lot of issues I had before and I kept trying to find where I was wrong an compromises and I think she felt like we were arguing but Im pretty sure I was just jumping like it was a chance to have preinterviews incase keith ended up gone so I could be better and more prepared and understand things I previously threw fits about better. It ened up leading to her asking me to come over at like 2am and I asked why and never got a concrete answer and wasn’t going to drive out there at 2am to sit a foot and a half apart or sleep on the couch. The next day we talked all day while I was at work (which could get me fired but I did it anyway, I guess that says something) and ended up before I left talked about coming over but it gets old sitting or whatever im fucking lonely I want contact, I don’t mean a blow job I just mean lay down and snuggle up for a movie or something small, because im pathetic I’ve learned and that’s she shit I miss most. I said id only come if there was snuggling of some sort waiting to hear no and go to pool hall and she said maybe. Now its commonly known that when a girl says maybe that really means no 99% of the time but I’ve been behind in the odds for a while now so I went. We had to go to barnes and noble first and I got pissy there because I just get frustrated in public because I cant put arm around her or do all the stuff im used to and want to do plus I knew shed look at everything in the store. After that I knew id argue or do something stupid if I talked so I just layed down in the seat for ride home. Got home and I dot know why I guess I just knew I wouldn’t get what I wanted but I plopped on the bed hugged a pillow and stared at the wall falling in and out of sleep and she was in living room, I told myself if shes not here by 9 im leaving this is stupid. Right before 9 she showed up and started reading. No movie. She of course sat in a way to which she wasn’t in any danger of touching me. I just closed my eyes and hoped something positive would happen and the cat kept touching me and I kept getting happy till I realized it was a foot or tail of an animal. Bottom line I layed there for two hours in and out of sleep wishing and of course it didn’t come. I left without hugging her because I was upset and then texted her some useless shit. Terrible night. My fault I knew it coming in, even if I had made her promise id have let her out of it, if someone doesn’t want something no reason to force them.
What am I doing anymore? Whats next?
Daphne Loves Derby - Part of My Past
Make this ride as fast as I can
Tonight this road home feels a little longer
I hope you know that you were my best friend
Tonight I said goodbye, but I should have said more
Thanks for the best time of my life.
Come home, now that you're gone I've finally realized
That you were the best
Come home, I won't forget the times that we had
I'm wishing that you weren't a part of my past
Emptiness swallows this town
From now on I will be alone for good
Will you remember my name?
I'm hoping that I will hear from you soon
Thank you for everything
Come home, now that you're gone I've finally realized
That you were the best
Come home, I won't forget the times that we had
So please don't be a part of my past
Daphne Loves Derby - Christmas Lights
It's been 2 weeks since you left from this town
3 more days and you'll be home to save me from this winter chill
Christmas lights in different shades of blue
I look so pale I feel so stiff to not be here with you
Just tell me that you miss me too
You've been gone for too long
And I, I need you to be back come with me now (come back)
The snow outside means nothing when you're gone
Everything I needed is in you,so please come back.
Please tell me everything about your stay
So I'll listen till the end even if you dont make sense now
December never was this dull before
I'll wait for your return just tell me you'll return
Just tell me that you miss me too
You've been gone for too long