now with lyrics.
It’s hard for me to convince myself im doing okay. I had all these ideas and im trying the best I can for them all I swear but you cant get results in life immediately and im not that patient a person. Im having trouble pretending its not killing me that all I can do is sit somewhere. Either at matts where Im unwanted and cant even be online or at denny’s or mill mountain where I can be online but I have to spend money I don’t have or at Awful’s where I don’t know anymore and I still have to spend money I don’t have and drink and play pool alone. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you hard it can be to do nothing, literally nothing.
I left today went downtown wandered around with my laptop for a while wondering what I should do because it was about 1pm and I needed to avoid matts house since people were waking up. I got a very overly expensive burger at burger in the square and texted Cynthia and gave leading texts so she could ask me how I was and then told her I was on that side of town and I’d stop by. So I told her about everything lately but shes like one of the guys and I had to laugh about it and act like it wasn’t a big deal for some reason. Things are going well for her, im glad she deserves it even if its like rubbing my face in that everyone seems to be doing fine but me. She made me hold her baby, im 23 and never touched a baby. It wasn’t that bad, it didn’t cry or anything and it held my finger. I was scared I would drop it but when it started squirming after a few minutes I pawned off back to Cynthia. It was actually kinda cool, I’ve always avoided babies because seems like that’s how the persona I let off should but it wasn’t bad. It cried a lot but I mean I buy cds of people purposefully screaming so its not a big deal. It was nice to see her though I had to make up excuses and lies to find a reason to show up and I didn’t go because I missed her I went because I had no where else to go. I left there about four when she went to the gym and I went to awfuls at towers had a beer played pool then noticed a guy I knew playing their free buy in hold em tournament and watched him till he got beat. This guy, Tim, I don’t really like him I’ve just known him forever since pre-pool hall days when I played at awfuls everyday. I was bored and knew if I didn’t hang out with him id be alone at mill mountain or worse all day so we changed the oil in my car and did some stupid shit to his. How come people all claim they are car gods and cant ever live up? One thing I’ve never done intentionally is claim im better at things than I am seems so petty. What do you do when you lay claim to a skill you don’t have and people expect it? so anyway about 8 I went to get some food came shut myself in my room at matts. Watched the first two disks of the riches today too, had already seen a couple with brittny but I don’t think we’ll be finishing it so I’ll do it on my own. Now its about 10:30 and no idea what to do I don’t want to go back to awfuls and drink and play more fucking dollar a game pool. Do you have any idea how much id spend on pool there to be entertained for a few hours? I can finish a game alone in about 3 minutes…so a dollar every 5 minutes lets say. Plus how entertaining is playing alone? People my age wont approach me only older/drunk people who think I look “sad” or “lonely” will.
The last time the lady with the house I was going to move into emailed me was Thursday so I think my odds of being there are slim since I’ve sent two unanswered ones since then. I have five days left to find somewhere to live. I cant sleep in my car its much too cold.
I fucking swear im trying. I spent lots of time in my life saying “im trying” about various things and im sure I tried about 15% of amount I could im trying at 90-95% these days and I just am having trouble seeing anything positive yet.
Cynthia called me a moron. She asked if I was doing all this self improvement shit to get brittny back. I said no, well yes but it works both ways, yes it could help but I don’t know if anything I do can influence it except maybe to hurt my chances but if it doesn’t and I do these things and really try then I’ll still have helped myself in the end. She told me that was a better answer because you never get the person back, told me not even to hope. I cant do that but I understand that she’s being realistic exactly like I would if someone was telling me what I was telling her. But I cant give up my little strand of hope, not yet. Undoubtedly I’ll have to at some point but im not ready to yet. I was about to say I should head the advice id give someone in my situation for once than holding on to this stupid little fantasy that things would work out one day. Im always good at helping other people just never have been with myself. Maybe im baised but I sat here and thought about what im doing and the situation and I don’t think im far off from the advice id give. I see it something like; “I know you love her but you can’t have her, you just can’t so you need to work on your life not yours and hers, just yours. You need to get back on track and the sooner the better. Housing comes first because its most urgent and with that you NEED the certifications so you can afford something better soon. Now that you realize how poorly you’ve treated people, mostly the person you loved you also need to be careful and watch yourself and stop yourself before you get in habits like that and need to break the one you were in. I know you’re kind of an asshole but that’s no excuse for not treating the most important people like they are just that.” Im pretty sure that’s pretty accurate what I’d tell someone who told me the story the part im not sure about that I may be biased about is the last bit “I know you love her but right now you cant do anything to help your situation but you can be too pushy or too much of pretty much anything and you may lose her for good. It’s not wrong to hold on to some hope and to want and try but don’t let it control you. As much as you care you cant try to do this for anyone but yourself, if shes going to change her mind or if shes going to want back into your life she’ll let you know but right now you have to try to be as self centered as possible and get it all back together.” I don’t think im doing too badly at following that advice. I probably have brittny on my mind a bit more than I should but im so bored lately I fall into thinking about her a lot. Sometimes seems like it would be easier if I just had no hope and just left because I wouldn’t be holding on to this tiny painful thing anymore BUT if anything good can come from it at anytime it’s worth the current pain for future pleasure. I don’t know what the pain to pleasure ratio has to be before it’s not worth it anymore but I guess that’s the kind of thing you just realize once it’s happened.
I KNOW im making a lot of positive changes in my life right now and it HAS to pay off somehow, somewhere down the road. Preferably before I give up hope that anything good can happen to me. Some job, somewhere to live, (some brittny?). somewhere it will pay off, I cant remember any moment where I really tried this much this consistently. I never needed to in school and I never cared about people enough to do it for them and I never valued my previous jobs or the income from them enough to before. At the very least I can honestly say im trying my best and working for whatever I can get.
Everyone I’ve ever had close to me had a soft spot for this song. Including myself of course. I bet I haven’t listened to it at all since minah died.
And even though the moment's passed me by
I still cant turn away
'Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Get tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost and thrown away
And now we've grown up orphans I never knew their names
We dont belong to no one thats a shame
You could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name..
And I won't tell em your name
The scars are souvenirs you'll never lose
The past is never far
And did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are?
You grew up way too fast
Now there's nothing to believe
And re-runs all become our history
A tired song keeps playin on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name...
And I won't tell em your name
I won't tell em your name...I won't tell em your name
I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same...
It's lonely where you are, come back down
And I won't tell em your name
My absolute favorite say anything song. I always in my mind dedicated it to brittny but I not sure if I ever told her that. On some of my bad nights I used to put this on repeat and sing along in the car driving aimlessly.
In my dreams we fly away from all the palm trees of this place and the smell of its decay
I can taste the clouds and my wings can carry me to your window
Where you will hold me in your arms and kiss me softly as you stroke my cheek
And say “Oh my angel, you hold my heart, I’ve been dreaming of you like you have me
Can you touch my skin and lay your kisses on my cheeks
And to Manhattan sweep me away?”
No more, no less
In pools of water after all the rain has left I see your gaze
No more, no less
I’m longing for a Neverland where I can make you oh so happy
In my dreams we fly away from all the pain and school bell rings
To a city that never sleeps and I can see you smile all day
And I can show you just how beautiful complications can be
From the roof top I can lean in close and whisper in your ear:
“Can you see, its not the same, the stars are spelling out your name”
And the moon can only frown because it will never be as beautiful as you
No more, no less
In pools of water after all the rain has left I see your gaze
No more, no less
I’m longing for a Neverland where I can make you oh so happy
I’m dreaming of Manhattan
Dreaming of where we are so in love
I can make you oh so happy
No more, no less
In pools of water after all the rain has left I see your gaze
No more, no less
I’m longing for a Neverland where I can make you oh so happy