(no subject)
Very early Oct 23rd
It was pretty terrifying because I confronted her about keith and I had no idea how that would go. I did my best to keep cool and collected despite feeling like I had swallowed battery acid. Overall I think I did well, I definitely had a few moments where I was less than perfect but its very emotional and I rebounded well. In my mind it’s nearly my worst case scenario. I know I have a keith issue but I cant change anything in her life and if shes happy why would I want to? So I’ll have to look past my issues and do what I can. I know im very self conscious and for some reason keith bring up all my insecurities and that’s something I need to confront. If someone is with ME fuck other people obviously they feel im better and I need to also. That’s far easier said than done but it’s a start. Now of course at the moment im not better than him but I can’t do much about that either.
It was a useful and necessary conversation I think, to see where we stand. Obviously if she’s going to talk to me for two hours and listen to my shit I mean something. Just like obviously if I was going to show up a couple times a week every week she meant something, despite the words and actions otherwise. I understand keith certainly has the possibility to become long term and official with brittny especially if he’s treating her better like she’s said. Again there’s nothing I can do about that situation it will play out how it plays and I’ll just have to watch and see what happens.
I still honestly think whatever he’s doing I can do better but that’s a bit biased perhaps? I understand her disbelief that im going to be able to control myself better and listen and be what I claim I can. Spent three years being ignored and taken for granted but im very serious and hopefully it will show if we talk more. I think tonight was a good example because I could rarely hear his name and not get overly angry before and I had a two hours conversation about her fucking him. It’s very painful and I felt sick most of the evening over it but I still maintained my composure with her. It’s not as though shes done anything to purposefully hurt me and I cant take out my unhappiness on her.
No matter what she does or who its with I still miss her and I still love her. No matter how badly I want to let go of that tiny string I cant do it. no matter how much easier it might be for me to disappear and start over it’s not going to happen anytime soon, if ever. Im pretty sure I may have said before if keith is ever back im gone for good. Well im actually a lot weaker than I come off, just like im a lot more sensitive and caring than I come off too. If I didn’t think she was something truly special and unique I probably would be gone. I had no really issues leaving mandah alone. We did hang out for a bit after broke up but it was done and I probably didn’t talk to her again for a year. This is not the norm for me because brittny is not the norm either. Who knows anything. Not brittny or I.
I want someone to snuggle with at night.
It was pretty terrifying because I confronted her about keith and I had no idea how that would go. I did my best to keep cool and collected despite feeling like I had swallowed battery acid. Overall I think I did well, I definitely had a few moments where I was less than perfect but its very emotional and I rebounded well. In my mind it’s nearly my worst case scenario. I know I have a keith issue but I cant change anything in her life and if shes happy why would I want to? So I’ll have to look past my issues and do what I can. I know im very self conscious and for some reason keith bring up all my insecurities and that’s something I need to confront. If someone is with ME fuck other people obviously they feel im better and I need to also. That’s far easier said than done but it’s a start. Now of course at the moment im not better than him but I can’t do much about that either.
It was a useful and necessary conversation I think, to see where we stand. Obviously if she’s going to talk to me for two hours and listen to my shit I mean something. Just like obviously if I was going to show up a couple times a week every week she meant something, despite the words and actions otherwise. I understand keith certainly has the possibility to become long term and official with brittny especially if he’s treating her better like she’s said. Again there’s nothing I can do about that situation it will play out how it plays and I’ll just have to watch and see what happens.
I still honestly think whatever he’s doing I can do better but that’s a bit biased perhaps? I understand her disbelief that im going to be able to control myself better and listen and be what I claim I can. Spent three years being ignored and taken for granted but im very serious and hopefully it will show if we talk more. I think tonight was a good example because I could rarely hear his name and not get overly angry before and I had a two hours conversation about her fucking him. It’s very painful and I felt sick most of the evening over it but I still maintained my composure with her. It’s not as though shes done anything to purposefully hurt me and I cant take out my unhappiness on her.
No matter what she does or who its with I still miss her and I still love her. No matter how badly I want to let go of that tiny string I cant do it. no matter how much easier it might be for me to disappear and start over it’s not going to happen anytime soon, if ever. Im pretty sure I may have said before if keith is ever back im gone for good. Well im actually a lot weaker than I come off, just like im a lot more sensitive and caring than I come off too. If I didn’t think she was something truly special and unique I probably would be gone. I had no really issues leaving mandah alone. We did hang out for a bit after broke up but it was done and I probably didn’t talk to her again for a year. This is not the norm for me because brittny is not the norm either. Who knows anything. Not brittny or I.
I want someone to snuggle with at night.