(no subject)
im trying to make friends and anyone who knows me knows what a task that is. i've at least spoken to some people i never talked to before and tried talking to a few i used to know. i talked to a guy i've never seen about the boysetsfire shirt he had on i havent seen one in years talked about a new band one of the members is in who's name i've forgotten so i cant go listen to them. also talked to this tattooed up girl who started not long ago in parking lot for about 15 minutes about random shit on way out today she seemed real nice. she has a bf which i dont care about because im not looking for a girl for me, just people. told me i should come watch a drag show with her friends at the local gay bar one sunday. im not sure if i see that happening but who knows. i went downtown with matt too last thursday to the mix thats a big deal for me thats no my scene at all. maybe its good for me to be trying to meet people and make friends. definitely not something i'd have done with brittny because i wouldnt feel like needed them. im trying to add more substance to my life because i didnt have much before just lots of habits. i just have to keep it up.
i think its a good thing i got barred from the pool hall. it would have allowed me to sit and sulk about brittny and do nothing now i have to get out each night and do other things other people, places, faces.i keep feeling like im going to grow a lot but at the end im going to have a empty brittny holes where i'll still want her to be there with me. i kind of wonder if its like that with her and the fact she has friends may well be fucking keith but if shes got a spot that just doesnt seem the same. i think these improvements in myself and realizations i had when she left me they were necessary for my life and maybe her leaving was the only way i'd be forced into it all. i cant help but feel though that there's going to be a brittny sized space where she'll fit in even after new people and places and things. i dont see me growing out of what we had. she'll have a place if she wants it one day.
im talking to brittny now. its a real nice conversation. and from my end at least doesnt feel forced and i dont sense her forcing. i do love her but i understand enough to know you can push that. its better to have a friend than nothing. though im talking a lot about anything just glad to talk i guess i realized shes no talking about herself at all her life, what shes been doing, not even work. shes still cute. in actions i havent seen her unfortunately for over a week. im enjoying this conversation its nice just to talk but i know shes holding back on her life trying not to upset or feels that way. she usually likes to talk about her day and people and situations and i havent heard much about her life and havent talked to her about her life in three weeks so sure stuff's happened. i think im gonna go ahead and leave instead of rambling till she does. it has been real nice though. i know i cant have her i dont think about *every* moment anymore but i do miss her. shes a fun girl bottomline that wont go away.