day four
Oct 15th day four
Its actually 6am I haven’t been to sleep yet so still like third day to me but seems so long. I had decided to go a month without bothering her once unless she talks to me first and it seems so unattainable to be without her contact for a month. Im 1/10 there and it feels like its been a decade. I miss her.
Emily has been texting me some usually I ignore her but I decided to try talking since im pretty friendless now. She’s such a fucking moron. She still so into keith and hes such a dick I don’t get it how her and brittny and anyone is attracted to him. I know brittny was seeing him some but not sure friends, fucking, or what and interestingly enough Emily was with keith tonight. I wonder if they each know the other is around him. She said he owed her money. Maybe she wasn’t lying when she said he fucked her. She tried to get me to come over to her place, promised good things. I passed. Because of brittny I’d feel shitty doing it (though she has no problem with keith) but also for myself. I don’t like or respect Emily I think she’s unintelligent and childish and that’s not appealing.
Im finding less to write about, there’s nothing “new” with brittny and that’s what this journaling was for to help me realize my mistakes, how to fix them and how to make my happily ever after come true. Im scared she will slip out of my mind so far I cant get her back. Even more so since she loves me less im scared I’ll be so far gone from her it wont even matter. If that happens though I guess it shows we weren’t meant to be. If we are meant to be together we wont slip that far and however far we do slip will be repairable. If we were to be together we’d have to start over, fresh. So maybe some slipage is good so we can begin new grounds.
I woke up really missing her so badly I almost cried. How long do I really have to wait before I can talk to her? Is it really a month? That’s so long, It must not have to be that long.
My away message said “…I still miss you.” And she actually replied and said she missed me too. I want to talk I want to just talk so badly but I don’t think im supposed to. I want to be able to say this was all such a big mistake and I want her back so badly but I don’t think it will mean much. I feel like I just slipped into a dream and it’s a nightmare and I need to jar myself awake. I’m trying so hard and if I keep busy enough sometimes for a few minutes I don’t think about it but it doesn’t last. I want to wake up from the dream and hold brittny. Its not even the physical attraction I miss most its not companionship. I want her so badly.
If I let myself think too long I get some angry at myself. She’s one of a kind that I might have ruined because I didn’t take the time to look objectively at us and myself. The issues we had they could have been fixed anytime if I’d taken the time to see the problems they cause, If I’d taken the time to understand their repercussions and their harmful ways. I never meant to hurt brittny, I honestly love her like no other.
She imed me right before leaving for work incase I replied I think, so I was right she doesn’t want me to reply. I’m glad I didn’t. I made her do things my way and my way only for so long, its only fair I try to do this her way. I dont know her mindset at all I don’t know if she is even open to feeling like we DO belong together again, it may not even be a thought in her head. I cant assume her thoughts though I can only go with mine and hope for the best from her.
I’ve walked away from a lot of people in my life and had a lot of people walk away from me. It’s not unfamiliar. And this is not like the others. Not to take away from anyone in my life, I’ve had some great people but I didn’t have as much trouble with mandah OR minah as this and they were both very important in their days. I hope brittny doesn’t just close the door and never look back. I’m going to be in the doorway waiting for her if she will look at me.
Its actually 6am I haven’t been to sleep yet so still like third day to me but seems so long. I had decided to go a month without bothering her once unless she talks to me first and it seems so unattainable to be without her contact for a month. Im 1/10 there and it feels like its been a decade. I miss her.
Emily has been texting me some usually I ignore her but I decided to try talking since im pretty friendless now. She’s such a fucking moron. She still so into keith and hes such a dick I don’t get it how her and brittny and anyone is attracted to him. I know brittny was seeing him some but not sure friends, fucking, or what and interestingly enough Emily was with keith tonight. I wonder if they each know the other is around him. She said he owed her money. Maybe she wasn’t lying when she said he fucked her. She tried to get me to come over to her place, promised good things. I passed. Because of brittny I’d feel shitty doing it (though she has no problem with keith) but also for myself. I don’t like or respect Emily I think she’s unintelligent and childish and that’s not appealing.
Im finding less to write about, there’s nothing “new” with brittny and that’s what this journaling was for to help me realize my mistakes, how to fix them and how to make my happily ever after come true. Im scared she will slip out of my mind so far I cant get her back. Even more so since she loves me less im scared I’ll be so far gone from her it wont even matter. If that happens though I guess it shows we weren’t meant to be. If we are meant to be together we wont slip that far and however far we do slip will be repairable. If we were to be together we’d have to start over, fresh. So maybe some slipage is good so we can begin new grounds.
I woke up really missing her so badly I almost cried. How long do I really have to wait before I can talk to her? Is it really a month? That’s so long, It must not have to be that long.
My away message said “…I still miss you.” And she actually replied and said she missed me too. I want to talk I want to just talk so badly but I don’t think im supposed to. I want to be able to say this was all such a big mistake and I want her back so badly but I don’t think it will mean much. I feel like I just slipped into a dream and it’s a nightmare and I need to jar myself awake. I’m trying so hard and if I keep busy enough sometimes for a few minutes I don’t think about it but it doesn’t last. I want to wake up from the dream and hold brittny. Its not even the physical attraction I miss most its not companionship. I want her so badly.
If I let myself think too long I get some angry at myself. She’s one of a kind that I might have ruined because I didn’t take the time to look objectively at us and myself. The issues we had they could have been fixed anytime if I’d taken the time to see the problems they cause, If I’d taken the time to understand their repercussions and their harmful ways. I never meant to hurt brittny, I honestly love her like no other.
She imed me right before leaving for work incase I replied I think, so I was right she doesn’t want me to reply. I’m glad I didn’t. I made her do things my way and my way only for so long, its only fair I try to do this her way. I dont know her mindset at all I don’t know if she is even open to feeling like we DO belong together again, it may not even be a thought in her head. I cant assume her thoughts though I can only go with mine and hope for the best from her.
I’ve walked away from a lot of people in my life and had a lot of people walk away from me. It’s not unfamiliar. And this is not like the others. Not to take away from anyone in my life, I’ve had some great people but I didn’t have as much trouble with mandah OR minah as this and they were both very important in their days. I hope brittny doesn’t just close the door and never look back. I’m going to be in the doorway waiting for her if she will look at me.