Fear is the Mind-Killer
Yesterday, I didn't end up buying any of the badass consumer goods that I wanted to. A good pair of army boots is apparently like 250 bucks. Who knew? And the knives they sell here are all either really amazingly top-of-the-line or more expensive than I could get them elsewhere, so that was out. And I don't drink nearly enough, nor is it cold enough, to merit a flask. My roommate got a butterfly knife and a flask, though, so I can live vicariously through him.
This morning, I wrote a letter that made me realize a lot of things about myself that I never have before. Part of me is a controlling, manipulative asshole! That part was completely subconscious until this morning, when a fusion of a conversation last night, some prophetic dreams, and an introspective letter led me to re-examine myself.
I often let myself be completely ruled by fear. I subconsciously set other people up to disappoint me or hurt me, so that they always end up feeling like they don't do enough for me, don't make me happy, or owe me something.
I guess the pathetic, fearful oppressor in me believes that if I keep people subservient to me, on edge around me, and constantly feeling like they can't make me happy, they will always try harder and do more for me and never leave me.
It's obvious upon reading that written down, but I'll say it just to emphasize the point: that's fucking stupid. It's despicable to treat other people like that, disgusting to let myself become so weak and fearful, and also completely ineffective! The only thing that behavior like that does is push other people away and leave them feeling powerless to make me happy.
It would be too easy to say that these negative aspects "aren't the real me," because clearly I am responsible for my thoughts and behavior. What I will say instead is that these aspects of me are not ideal in any way, and so I will refuse to feed them. I am more than a random mix of predestined genes. I am an agent, a rational actor, the divine and all-powerful author of my own destiny. If there are problems in my life, it is because I will them to be. So I just need to stop willing them to be. Easier said than done, but I think trying to consciously keep my eye on these types of thoughts and behaviors should work wonders.
So, finally, an apology: to anybody who's been really close to me, especially past girlfriends and close friends, I am very sorry. I treated you all like shit, at least some of the time, and I let myself be a total victim. I was impossible to please. Thank you all for giving me the experiences that I am now using to try to change this type of behavior.
This morning, I wrote a letter that made me realize a lot of things about myself that I never have before. Part of me is a controlling, manipulative asshole! That part was completely subconscious until this morning, when a fusion of a conversation last night, some prophetic dreams, and an introspective letter led me to re-examine myself.
I often let myself be completely ruled by fear. I subconsciously set other people up to disappoint me or hurt me, so that they always end up feeling like they don't do enough for me, don't make me happy, or owe me something.
I guess the pathetic, fearful oppressor in me believes that if I keep people subservient to me, on edge around me, and constantly feeling like they can't make me happy, they will always try harder and do more for me and never leave me.
It's obvious upon reading that written down, but I'll say it just to emphasize the point: that's fucking stupid. It's despicable to treat other people like that, disgusting to let myself become so weak and fearful, and also completely ineffective! The only thing that behavior like that does is push other people away and leave them feeling powerless to make me happy.
It would be too easy to say that these negative aspects "aren't the real me," because clearly I am responsible for my thoughts and behavior. What I will say instead is that these aspects of me are not ideal in any way, and so I will refuse to feed them. I am more than a random mix of predestined genes. I am an agent, a rational actor, the divine and all-powerful author of my own destiny. If there are problems in my life, it is because I will them to be. So I just need to stop willing them to be. Easier said than done, but I think trying to consciously keep my eye on these types of thoughts and behaviors should work wonders.
So, finally, an apology: to anybody who's been really close to me, especially past girlfriends and close friends, I am very sorry. I treated you all like shit, at least some of the time, and I let myself be a total victim. I was impossible to please. Thank you all for giving me the experiences that I am now using to try to change this type of behavior.