random entry--
Today I sent out picture-card announcements about my name change to my closet family and friends. I also sent a letter to my Mom and step-dad telling them what had happened in slightly different discourse.
I have written my family hundreds of letters over the years. Probably with only 1% actually ending up in the mailbox. But I sent that letter, I put it out into the world, and I am expecting the worst and hoping desperately for the best.
The inky scabs on my back are healing slowly. The banner proclaiming "BRADDOCK" sits proud at the base of my spine, the tops of the branches of the tree intermingle with the mantra tattoo from two years ago that reads "Truth, Love and Confidence".I still believe in all of those things, but in a slightly different way.
I can't really think about my mothers face opening that letter. It makes my chest hurt. Heart attack. Cardiac Arrest. It makes me sad in the deepest parts of me.
I don't really remember the angry parts of dealing with my mom. Mostly now when I think about my eyes get all wet. Its the feeling of something so sad that is probably never going to get better. Like cancer. My moms humanity has a 5% chance of recovery.
But I hold out the highest hope for myself. I know that this name, this path this life that I have chosen is the right one for me. I know this like I know the feeling of my own skin, the taste of the air by the ocean.
This weekend I will go surfing with Missy and her dad. Her dad who has by association been the closest thing to a dad that I have ever had. He loves his children with such intensity, such honesty, such FULLNESS that being somewhat a part of that makes me feel loved. These people, her family, have taught me what it means to be a part of one and that is something I want to share with my future kids.
I am who I am-- and I am unapologetic. I am proud of who I am, and what I am doing.
Sometimes I say these things out loud so when one day, I say them to the people who believe that the least, my voice will not shake.