this feels like an emotional enema
After sitting here and finishing up an Elizabeth Taylor movie marathon (RIP Liz, you were a true legend) and lotioning up my new tattoo, I decided it was time for another update. I'm shocking myself with my frequency for updating this lately, but I'll ride this out and see how long it lasts.
I've discovered that I have a feeling of calm recently. Of course there is still a slight undercurrent of anxiety just under the surface, but I feel like I've been able to exhale after about a month of being tense. I attribute this to two things, I've really had a shift in thoughts about my health and eating habits and really feel in control over my weight loss goals than ever before, and for the first time I think ever, I am letting my guard down a little and letting people in a bit.
As for the first change in my outlook on things, my weight, this is something I've been struggling with since I can remember. I've tried almost everything and was always waiting for that change or motivation to finally kick my ass into actually doing it. And seemingly out of nowhere, I started drinking a lot of water, I started wanting to really watch what I was putting into my body. But something else was different this time, I finally was able to look at food differently. I've always been a person who really enjoys food, it tastes good and there is no getting around it. There is still that part that exists and probably always will, but I was finding that while I will always have a desire for things that aren't considered healthy, I was starting to actually want to eat healthier things. What really put things into focus for me was watching a documentary called Food Matters (I really do suggest everyone watch this because it is literally life changing), I stayed up until 4am watching it and after I was so moved and inspired by it that I couldn't even sleep. My mind was going a mile a minute with excitement over changing the way I eat and how I take care of my body. I feel for the first time I can really change my habits and not only accomplish my weight loss goals, but do it the right way by drinking lots of water, eating healthy and more organic foods and exercising. It's amazing to finally feel the power to make a huge change like that. I know it's still going to be a struggle and I'm not going to always make the best choices, but I know now that it doesn't mean I've failed, it means that tomorrow is a new day and I can make better choices tomorrow. Breaking the cycle in my mind is a major thing. For couple weeks now I've been committed to this and I feel very proud and empowered.
As for the second change, I don't even have a knowing moment when it started to happen. I've always been very closed off emotionally with pretty much everyone I know. Family and even close friends were only allowed so far. From middle school on I became increasingly more and more closed off and while I gave a little to keep up appearances, it was never really anything of substance. I delighted in being the listener, the one to dole out advice and figure out everyone else's problems. I was, and still am now sometimes, proud of keeping my emotions at bay and having control over my issues but I realized that I was becoming a shell with no life experiences of my own. I was so busy keeping everyone out that I didn't notice that everything and everyone was moving past me. What I found was that I was 23, a virgin with no relationships to speak of, no new friends since high school, had a part time job that I hated and was stuck with awkward middle school level social skills. And while I know that I will never be an 'open book' type, and very happy about it, I knew I couldn't go on being closed off forever. And almost without even me knowing it, I started to open up. Little things that were virtually impossible to think of myself doing I suddenly could do. I'm still awkward as shit, shy and it will take a while before I can reveal personal things to someone, but I'm making progress. The only way I know how to break down some of this wall I've built up is to take it down a piece at a time.
It's weird to think of all of these changes that I'm going through right now because they seem to all be happening at once. Last year I was stuck in limbo with no glimmer of hope of ever getting out and now I feel like a completely new person. The flood gates have opened and there is no turning back. I think the most powerful realization I've had throughout all this is that I actually do have the ability and strength to change the things in my life that were lacking. I've known it was possible, but now seeing the changes actually starting and feeling the changes deep in my soul, it's a powerful feeling. Things are finally moving in a new and better direction.
I've discovered that I have a feeling of calm recently. Of course there is still a slight undercurrent of anxiety just under the surface, but I feel like I've been able to exhale after about a month of being tense. I attribute this to two things, I've really had a shift in thoughts about my health and eating habits and really feel in control over my weight loss goals than ever before, and for the first time I think ever, I am letting my guard down a little and letting people in a bit.
As for the first change in my outlook on things, my weight, this is something I've been struggling with since I can remember. I've tried almost everything and was always waiting for that change or motivation to finally kick my ass into actually doing it. And seemingly out of nowhere, I started drinking a lot of water, I started wanting to really watch what I was putting into my body. But something else was different this time, I finally was able to look at food differently. I've always been a person who really enjoys food, it tastes good and there is no getting around it. There is still that part that exists and probably always will, but I was finding that while I will always have a desire for things that aren't considered healthy, I was starting to actually want to eat healthier things. What really put things into focus for me was watching a documentary called Food Matters (I really do suggest everyone watch this because it is literally life changing), I stayed up until 4am watching it and after I was so moved and inspired by it that I couldn't even sleep. My mind was going a mile a minute with excitement over changing the way I eat and how I take care of my body. I feel for the first time I can really change my habits and not only accomplish my weight loss goals, but do it the right way by drinking lots of water, eating healthy and more organic foods and exercising. It's amazing to finally feel the power to make a huge change like that. I know it's still going to be a struggle and I'm not going to always make the best choices, but I know now that it doesn't mean I've failed, it means that tomorrow is a new day and I can make better choices tomorrow. Breaking the cycle in my mind is a major thing. For couple weeks now I've been committed to this and I feel very proud and empowered.
As for the second change, I don't even have a knowing moment when it started to happen. I've always been very closed off emotionally with pretty much everyone I know. Family and even close friends were only allowed so far. From middle school on I became increasingly more and more closed off and while I gave a little to keep up appearances, it was never really anything of substance. I delighted in being the listener, the one to dole out advice and figure out everyone else's problems. I was, and still am now sometimes, proud of keeping my emotions at bay and having control over my issues but I realized that I was becoming a shell with no life experiences of my own. I was so busy keeping everyone out that I didn't notice that everything and everyone was moving past me. What I found was that I was 23, a virgin with no relationships to speak of, no new friends since high school, had a part time job that I hated and was stuck with awkward middle school level social skills. And while I know that I will never be an 'open book' type, and very happy about it, I knew I couldn't go on being closed off forever. And almost without even me knowing it, I started to open up. Little things that were virtually impossible to think of myself doing I suddenly could do. I'm still awkward as shit, shy and it will take a while before I can reveal personal things to someone, but I'm making progress. The only way I know how to break down some of this wall I've built up is to take it down a piece at a time.
It's weird to think of all of these changes that I'm going through right now because they seem to all be happening at once. Last year I was stuck in limbo with no glimmer of hope of ever getting out and now I feel like a completely new person. The flood gates have opened and there is no turning back. I think the most powerful realization I've had throughout all this is that I actually do have the ability and strength to change the things in my life that were lacking. I've known it was possible, but now seeing the changes actually starting and feeling the changes deep in my soul, it's a powerful feeling. Things are finally moving in a new and better direction.