(no subject)
I'm just gonna move right past where I explain/apologise/justify my silence on LJ and post.
I am okay, work is very very very busy but meaningful and intellectually stimulating, and my social life has escalated beyond compare. I previously used to not go anywhere on the weekends, but I no longer have that option/luxury. I love my friends, and I am now meeting new people and making new friends who are very electic and interesting. And I have a blast everytime I'm out. All that's just dandy and I am thankful for my life on a day-to-day basis.
But I seem to be greatly unlucky in romance. I think i may finally have gotten over Othello but not entirely. At this point it is more the love I seem to have for the kind of relationship I had with him than the love that I have/had for him. But the real test of course is how I'd feel if I were to see him in person and especially if I see him with anyone he's dating or in a relationship with. So till the time I can be sure that even the vestiges of my love have vapourised, I'm maintaining the lack of contact with him.
The French tourist thing died down, was resurrected, was breathed fresh life into, even walked with a spring in its step, but all only to finally die down again. For good this time. We had been talking almost everyday and he even came down to Singapore to spend time with me a couple of weeks back, and I realised that I liked him more than I thought I did. But in our brief talk about the subject, I realised there was absolutely no future in this "relationship". After mulling over things, my recent history, I came to a decision that I needed to nip this thing in the bud. Before I somehow ended up getting hurt again. So I told him that no hard feelings, but this had to stop. It's hard, and I miss him, but if it feels like a bummer now, it would be worse in a couple of months. And I just do not have the strength for yet another failed attempt at having a lasting relationship, not when I'm not 100% recovered from the previous one.
Maybe it is the Asian in me, or the age, or just my disposition in life - whatever it is I can't reel in my feelings. I'm all or nothing; I can either do one-nighters or a full-blown I'm-madly-in-love-with-you-and-hopefully-will-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-you thing. I am not lookign to get married anytime soon, but I think I have reached that stage where I feel I want a loving long-term relationship that has potential to endure through the future.
Having gotten to that stage, and then realising I'm very likely not going to even have a single interesting date till the time I leave Singapore, has been hard. I really meant it when I said I am very happy with my life on a day-to-day basis - I smile, I laugh, I truly enjoy my moments and what they bring - but sometimes it hits me that for at least the next 6 months to a year, I'm not even going to have a date I'm excited about. And that ... blows.
Compounding that is a fact that I still miss Philly and know there's nothing I can do about that for at least a year. The earliest I can realistically get back to Philly would be summer 2010, being a foreigner and all. I honestly don't know what avenues I can explore for getting a job and moving back to Philly within the year. That's sorta left me feeling down, too.
In sum: I'm happy, I'm okay, but...