confessions of a troubled soul...
... i always thought that i had the right to keep things to myself. That i never needed to explain myself to people. But i guess i need to...not for me but for you. If you are reading this then that means i consider you my friend and i'm telling you this so you can finally understand...
i didnt grow up in a bad family, i didnt grow up in a poor family, i never went without food or anything i needed but i did come from a strict family. Up until my 16th birthday i hated the rules, i hated the punishments and getting yelled at for just doing things most of my friends were allowed to do. But i found out, in a not so great situation, why i was raised the way i was. I can't go into specifics because its not mine to share but it changed me. I never hid what my father did on my 16th birthday and while he embarrassed me beyond belief i know now that God wanted it to happen to show me who i am. I'm not ashamed of my beliefs in God and He is first in my life. I believe everything happens for a reason and thats why i don't look at that day as a bad thing anymore.
I don't hide how i feel about drinking. I dont want to be a part of it but i also know that its going to be everywhere. I chose never to drink (not even after i turn 21). It is a choice I made for reasons i wont get into but i need to know that my friends support my decision. I have always said that i have an old soul. I dont like to party and most of the time i dont like to go out. I like to stay in, i like to just watch movies and cuddle on the couch, i like sleepovers, i like hanging out with my family, i like to just be by myself. I accept that fact and i dont care what you may think of that. I know that by deciding not to drink it may hurt my relationship with some of you but i need you to know that. I put this decision before anything else. There have been plenty of times when i didnt hang out because of drinking. And it sucks 99.9% of the time because i do want to hang out with you, i do want to have fun like you guys. There isnt a day that passes me by when i dont think about taking back my decision. Sometimes i feel like i would have more fun or maybe i would be able to relax about things if i did just drink. But the truth is, that feeling will never go away and neither will my decision to stay sober. I realize that by saying this, it might make you think that i dont like you or that our friendship wont last. and that might happen and thats something i think you have to live with not me. Because I have seen what happens when alcohol takes over a persons life, when it becomes more important to party than to just talk or hang out.
Dont get me wrong, im not saying in order to be friends with me you cant drink. God knows that 90% of my friends do drink and i put up with it and i know it cant be easy for you either. Im sure it always seems like i dont want to hang out with you but thats not the case at all. I feel left out pretty much all tof he time. But like i said, i have an old soul. Because of what i know and what i went through i skipped this part of growing up. I went from a normal teenager to a 35 year old woman. But I really dont mind that all. I have never felt this way about anything in my life before. I have so much more respect for my mom and my sisters. With everything we have gone through you would think we would have fallen apart at the seams. But the truth is i couldnt be more proud of them.
I'm not really sure if this helps but i think i just need you to know that i wont stop being friends with you if you drink, but please leave me out of it. If you only knew what i knew.
As i said before, im not afraid about my beliefs in God and with everything that i have gone through in the past 3 years my faith in Him has only gotten stronger. I can feel great things coming and i think this is the first step in the right direction. I never asked for these things to happen to me and i certainly had my share of complaining but i dont think i would change any of it. Sure it sucks when it is happening but when i sit here and think of what has happened and how it has changed me...it was worth it. All of the tears, the anger, the yelling, the praying...all of it. It has made my decision so much stringer and made me realize that nothing its going to break me down. You can hate me, you can pretend to be my friend, you can talk about me behind my back but its not going to change how i feel. I know i'm doing the right thing.
so anyway, im sorry if you dont care or you are upset by this but i felt like i just needed to say it.
until next time,
AJ