Suicide
I’ve spent over half of my life with on and off suicidal thoughts.
I’m 36.
First time I thought of wanting to die I was 14.
A bit more abstract, when I was 9 life became a living hell. I thought maybe it was just an awful year or something and things would get better. They didn’t. When I was 10 I though about running away from home and realized it wasn’t the best idea and I just didn’t know what to fucking do.
By 11 my parents adopted two girls. And my mom would often make a threat to me that if I misbehaved she would give me up for adoption and that everything would be so much worse and life would be hell, etc etc etc. and I was just an 11 year old. And 11 year old who was scared to calm the police or tell the social workers what was going on at home.
When I was 14 and my mom kicked me out of the house during a blizzard I wasn’t sure what to do, I went to a neighbors house and they took me to my dads. He gave me two black eyes a few months later and I thought I was doing the right thing for my family by not reporting the incident to the police. Or telling my school principal what actually happened.
I knew he would end up losing his job and doing time for child abuse, but I also thought it would negatively effect my 3 siblings who relied on his finances...
All of my siblings have done FUCKED UP shit to me. I regret ever sticking my neck out for them and taking one for a team that doesn’t give a flying fuck about me.
Celia.
When I was on probation for a year (for a crime I didn’t even commit. I’m not a saint, I’ve committed crimes... after all this happened.) I trusted I could confide and talk to her and others in my close family about the situation and how I can no longer join the armed forces (my main escape plan from that toxic family). She knew if I committed a crime while on probation I’d be sentenced for over half a decade.
She regularly threatened to lie to the police about me hitting her if I didn’t do what she asked.
Eventually she did lie. And when it’s mentioned she gaslights me and says it was true. I hate her.
Ben.
Bens a fucking asshole. He’s always been one. He’s done so many horrible things it’s hard to pick a place to start.
I hate him too.
Zach.
I don’t even want to get into it.
Basically ever since I was 14 I’ve just wanted to die.
But it wasn’t as bad then. I thought it’s hit 18 and leave and never see these assholes again...
But I was convinced I wasn’t smart enough to even bother taking my SAT’s or ACT’s. Wonderful family right, the kind that convinces you not to do shit like take a test for college.
I end up in community college that’s very far away from me and I have tk rely on these assholes for a ride and I’m always late to class cause of it and failing all my early classes. Can’t schedule too late cause I won’t have a way back home... I wanted to die.
They consistently kept doing shit to keep me under their thumb. And I’d learn later what the option was to get over it when it was too late to matter.
But I always had at least some hope things might get better.
Today someone I’m in love with (2nd time I’ve been in love) tells me she’s in love with someone else and wants to be just friends and I just wasn’t compatible.... and well, I know why it didn’t work out.
I’m broken. I’m alone and have been emotionally and physically abused. When I meet someone who’s nice it me and shows interest I come on pretty fucking strong and end up fucking it up.
Then I think about how I need to fix this and not come in too strong and how to make sure I don’t fuck up next time. And.... a looooooong time elapses before I meet anyone else.
Then when I do, I’m still that lonely person who’s now meeting someone who contrasts the loneliness and abuse. And despite trying to make it work out and not fuck up, I do anyway. It’s not till it starts to fall apart I realize how to not fuck it up or come to my senses.
I’m tired of it.
I’ve tried to be friends with someone I was in love with before. That’s the first time I attempted to kill myself.
I met someone and developed strong feelings for them and it was my whole world. It was so different from all the abuse and hardships and it was the only thing that made me happy.... then she just wasn’t interested. And that’s no fault of hers. I’m a broken fucking mess. But I’m upset. I’m not okay. I just lost the best thing I ever had and I’m shattered... and trying to figure out how to cope and I have no support.
I took a bunch of animal tranquilizers and drank a 5th of vodka and took a vicadin. Then I woke up 3 days later....
I don’t want to feel that way again. I don’t want to be around anymore honestly. I’ve tried to fix myself and figure shit out for so long and I’m just too fucking broken. I want to die.
The worst part was that when I tried to kill myself amy blamed herself for not wanting me... and it’s not her fucking fault and I don’t want her to be fucking sad about it.
So when Lauren told me she just wants to be friends and she doesn’t want me romantically at all I just said I couldn’t be. I don’t want her to feel hurt or upset that I want to die because she’s my world and I’m a broken fucking mess who’s clingy and get too attached and just... I’m not fucking normal and I will always be alone.
I want to die.
I’m 36.
First time I thought of wanting to die I was 14.
A bit more abstract, when I was 9 life became a living hell. I thought maybe it was just an awful year or something and things would get better. They didn’t. When I was 10 I though about running away from home and realized it wasn’t the best idea and I just didn’t know what to fucking do.
By 11 my parents adopted two girls. And my mom would often make a threat to me that if I misbehaved she would give me up for adoption and that everything would be so much worse and life would be hell, etc etc etc. and I was just an 11 year old. And 11 year old who was scared to calm the police or tell the social workers what was going on at home.
When I was 14 and my mom kicked me out of the house during a blizzard I wasn’t sure what to do, I went to a neighbors house and they took me to my dads. He gave me two black eyes a few months later and I thought I was doing the right thing for my family by not reporting the incident to the police. Or telling my school principal what actually happened.
I knew he would end up losing his job and doing time for child abuse, but I also thought it would negatively effect my 3 siblings who relied on his finances...
All of my siblings have done FUCKED UP shit to me. I regret ever sticking my neck out for them and taking one for a team that doesn’t give a flying fuck about me.
Celia.
When I was on probation for a year (for a crime I didn’t even commit. I’m not a saint, I’ve committed crimes... after all this happened.) I trusted I could confide and talk to her and others in my close family about the situation and how I can no longer join the armed forces (my main escape plan from that toxic family). She knew if I committed a crime while on probation I’d be sentenced for over half a decade.
She regularly threatened to lie to the police about me hitting her if I didn’t do what she asked.
Eventually she did lie. And when it’s mentioned she gaslights me and says it was true. I hate her.
Ben.
Bens a fucking asshole. He’s always been one. He’s done so many horrible things it’s hard to pick a place to start.
I hate him too.
Zach.
I don’t even want to get into it.
Basically ever since I was 14 I’ve just wanted to die.
But it wasn’t as bad then. I thought it’s hit 18 and leave and never see these assholes again...
But I was convinced I wasn’t smart enough to even bother taking my SAT’s or ACT’s. Wonderful family right, the kind that convinces you not to do shit like take a test for college.
I end up in community college that’s very far away from me and I have tk rely on these assholes for a ride and I’m always late to class cause of it and failing all my early classes. Can’t schedule too late cause I won’t have a way back home... I wanted to die.
They consistently kept doing shit to keep me under their thumb. And I’d learn later what the option was to get over it when it was too late to matter.
But I always had at least some hope things might get better.
Today someone I’m in love with (2nd time I’ve been in love) tells me she’s in love with someone else and wants to be just friends and I just wasn’t compatible.... and well, I know why it didn’t work out.
I’m broken. I’m alone and have been emotionally and physically abused. When I meet someone who’s nice it me and shows interest I come on pretty fucking strong and end up fucking it up.
Then I think about how I need to fix this and not come in too strong and how to make sure I don’t fuck up next time. And.... a looooooong time elapses before I meet anyone else.
Then when I do, I’m still that lonely person who’s now meeting someone who contrasts the loneliness and abuse. And despite trying to make it work out and not fuck up, I do anyway. It’s not till it starts to fall apart I realize how to not fuck it up or come to my senses.
I’m tired of it.
I’ve tried to be friends with someone I was in love with before. That’s the first time I attempted to kill myself.
I met someone and developed strong feelings for them and it was my whole world. It was so different from all the abuse and hardships and it was the only thing that made me happy.... then she just wasn’t interested. And that’s no fault of hers. I’m a broken fucking mess. But I’m upset. I’m not okay. I just lost the best thing I ever had and I’m shattered... and trying to figure out how to cope and I have no support.
I took a bunch of animal tranquilizers and drank a 5th of vodka and took a vicadin. Then I woke up 3 days later....
I don’t want to feel that way again. I don’t want to be around anymore honestly. I’ve tried to fix myself and figure shit out for so long and I’m just too fucking broken. I want to die.
The worst part was that when I tried to kill myself amy blamed herself for not wanting me... and it’s not her fucking fault and I don’t want her to be fucking sad about it.
So when Lauren told me she just wants to be friends and she doesn’t want me romantically at all I just said I couldn’t be. I don’t want her to feel hurt or upset that I want to die because she’s my world and I’m a broken fucking mess who’s clingy and get too attached and just... I’m not fucking normal and I will always be alone.
I want to die.