a brief sidestep into not-so-fun stuff
Let's see. We're less than a day away from marking seven months since I've spoken to my mother. The absence of the immediate stress of dealing with her has helped so much. Unfortunately, the anger I'm carrying continues to redline to the point that I finally had to admit I'm putting myself in increasingly for-real danger while driving because of it. When another driver does something dickish -- something that hits me in exactly the wrong way my mother's behavior would hit me -- I go very calm and cold with my reactions and I maintain my smiling-right-at-'em focus on that driver for, say, the remaining sixty miles of my commute. Or until they pull off the road, whichever comes first.
Anyway. I continue to work with Courtnay and I continue to try to separate my grief for my father from my anger with my mother. I've recently read and benefited from Letting Go of Anger. I'm actually reading it again because of work (more on that in a sec), but I'm ready to start taking in information on the next big area I have to get a handle on: forgiveness. When Courtnay suggested that for my own health, safety, and sanity I would need to forgive my mother, I admitted that I understand this is possible in theory. However (I continued), I find the notion utterly repulsive and sick-making. Forgiving her feels dirty and disgusting to me. So. I told Courtnay I'm willing to consider and try this, but that I would like to start from an abstract, even academic, approach to the concept because that's playing to my strengths. I connect to material I read and heaven knows I'll certainly think my brains into jelly over an idea with which I'm struggling. If I'm going to do this, I have to sneak past my own fucked-up defenses to pull it off.
Courtnay thought this sounded like a pretty good idea since she's watched me come at some other stuff using this approach. She has some ideas but didn't want to go into them until she'd had a chance to think and do a little research of her own. I have a favor to ask: is there someone who could send me Forgiving the Unforgivable by Beverly Flanigan as a late Christmas present? It's not a major necessity -- I'll probably be able to order it at the end of the month, otherwise -- but I'd welcome the chance to start on it now. Just FWIW. (ETA my thanks to raincitygirl for chucking a copy my way.)
As for work stuff, I've had to request the big boss step in to mediate a meeting between myself and The Douche. It's stressful but at least it's not big drama. (I mean, I'm not fapping about it at work or letting myself get overset and unable to do my job.) He tried to write me up for excessive tardiness, but the report of my clocking in showed that his examples of excessive tardiness were a) the day no one on the evening shift could sign in due to a known issue the help desk was addressing; b) a day I'd requested and been approved to come in late due to an appointment; and c) days I was, respectively, 2 minutes and 8 seconds late and (my favorite) 13 seconds late. He documented these instances (and no actual instances of unexcused tardiness), signed off on them, and tried to make me sign off. I wouldn't do it and I invoked the right to get Ed involved to mediate. If I'd actually fucked up, I'd take those hits and whatever disciplinary action without protest. The Douche is deliberately misrepresenting information, though.
I startled the shit out of him by refusing to sign, requesting a copy of the report he'd used as a basis for his documentation, and ultimately telling him we will involve Ed now. He doesn't like me, which is fine, but this is harassment, which is not. It's also not been lost on me that I'm the only woman on that shift. All the others have transferred, left the company, or been fired. I always rub the supercilious twits the wrong way; this was the same shit I dealt with from The Wire Monkey years ago. The commute notwithstanding, if this guy would just lay off, the job wouldn't be that bad. I doubt I'm going to be fired for this since even The Douche admitted he'd overstepped with the thirteen seconds et al. bullshit. I do suspect The Douche will be far more thorough in his efforts to do whatever the hell he's trying to do. (Make me quit? Purge the last potential source of girly-bugs from his shift? Convince himself he's an alpha? I don't know and I don't care.)
I will say, too, that I'm at least pleased that I had the sense not to sign anything without asking to see more information. Likewise, I am incredibly thankful that I can speak my mind in such a situation without getting shrill or defensive or irrational. I was angry to the point of crying, but I kept my throat clear and my word choice conservative while I outlined exactly why I was angry, crying, and not going to sign anything at that point.
I told him how demoralizing I find his attempts to nitpick me out of a job (which he insisted he wasn't doing) and how unrealistic I find his criteria for a good employee. Based on the feedback he's given me, the sole qualification he looks for in his employees is that they can sign in to a specific piece of software before 2pm. (Because I'm already at my desk and logged into my computer, but those don't count toward being on time in his opinion. Only this one piece of software does.) And, again based on his feedback, the quality of customer service, troubleshooting skills, and documentation do not factor in or in anyway get acknowledged. I'm depressing myself all over again just thinking about it.
We'll meet with Ed. I probably won't have to sign anything, but I suspect that's just a battle won and not the war. Kelly Services (the good temp agency, not the one I'm currently working for) is looking for another gig for me. Julia's already said they owe me big time for landing that contract for them at the job that didn't pan out. Hopefully, they'll get me placed somewhere before The Douche figures out a way to have another go at making things needlessly difficult.
Compared to what was happening last year at this time, even the sucky stuff is small potatoes. Dad's not suffering, my mother can't get at me, I have a job and two ridiculously happy ferrets, and my therapist isn't a hysterical, cop-calling flake. :P The Douche and all his efforts to out-douche even Summer's Eve and Massengill don't even come close to tipping me into a crisis kind of headspace. This is stressful but it's manageable. I have no doubt he earned that broken nose of his by pulling a variation of this shit with someone else, too; that's a certain balm on my soul as well.
Anyway. I continue to work with Courtnay and I continue to try to separate my grief for my father from my anger with my mother. I've recently read and benefited from Letting Go of Anger. I'm actually reading it again because of work (more on that in a sec), but I'm ready to start taking in information on the next big area I have to get a handle on: forgiveness. When Courtnay suggested that for my own health, safety, and sanity I would need to forgive my mother, I admitted that I understand this is possible in theory. However (I continued), I find the notion utterly repulsive and sick-making. Forgiving her feels dirty and disgusting to me. So. I told Courtnay I'm willing to consider and try this, but that I would like to start from an abstract, even academic, approach to the concept because that's playing to my strengths. I connect to material I read and heaven knows I'll certainly think my brains into jelly over an idea with which I'm struggling. If I'm going to do this, I have to sneak past my own fucked-up defenses to pull it off.
Courtnay thought this sounded like a pretty good idea since she's watched me come at some other stuff using this approach. She has some ideas but didn't want to go into them until she'd had a chance to think and do a little research of her own. I have a favor to ask: is there someone who could send me Forgiving the Unforgivable by Beverly Flanigan as a late Christmas present? It's not a major necessity -- I'll probably be able to order it at the end of the month, otherwise -- but I'd welcome the chance to start on it now. Just FWIW. (ETA my thanks to raincitygirl for chucking a copy my way.)
As for work stuff, I've had to request the big boss step in to mediate a meeting between myself and The Douche. It's stressful but at least it's not big drama. (I mean, I'm not fapping about it at work or letting myself get overset and unable to do my job.) He tried to write me up for excessive tardiness, but the report of my clocking in showed that his examples of excessive tardiness were a) the day no one on the evening shift could sign in due to a known issue the help desk was addressing; b) a day I'd requested and been approved to come in late due to an appointment; and c) days I was, respectively, 2 minutes and 8 seconds late and (my favorite) 13 seconds late. He documented these instances (and no actual instances of unexcused tardiness), signed off on them, and tried to make me sign off. I wouldn't do it and I invoked the right to get Ed involved to mediate. If I'd actually fucked up, I'd take those hits and whatever disciplinary action without protest. The Douche is deliberately misrepresenting information, though.
I startled the shit out of him by refusing to sign, requesting a copy of the report he'd used as a basis for his documentation, and ultimately telling him we will involve Ed now. He doesn't like me, which is fine, but this is harassment, which is not. It's also not been lost on me that I'm the only woman on that shift. All the others have transferred, left the company, or been fired. I always rub the supercilious twits the wrong way; this was the same shit I dealt with from The Wire Monkey years ago. The commute notwithstanding, if this guy would just lay off, the job wouldn't be that bad. I doubt I'm going to be fired for this since even The Douche admitted he'd overstepped with the thirteen seconds et al. bullshit. I do suspect The Douche will be far more thorough in his efforts to do whatever the hell he's trying to do. (Make me quit? Purge the last potential source of girly-bugs from his shift? Convince himself he's an alpha? I don't know and I don't care.)
I will say, too, that I'm at least pleased that I had the sense not to sign anything without asking to see more information. Likewise, I am incredibly thankful that I can speak my mind in such a situation without getting shrill or defensive or irrational. I was angry to the point of crying, but I kept my throat clear and my word choice conservative while I outlined exactly why I was angry, crying, and not going to sign anything at that point.
I told him how demoralizing I find his attempts to nitpick me out of a job (which he insisted he wasn't doing) and how unrealistic I find his criteria for a good employee. Based on the feedback he's given me, the sole qualification he looks for in his employees is that they can sign in to a specific piece of software before 2pm. (Because I'm already at my desk and logged into my computer, but those don't count toward being on time in his opinion. Only this one piece of software does.) And, again based on his feedback, the quality of customer service, troubleshooting skills, and documentation do not factor in or in anyway get acknowledged. I'm depressing myself all over again just thinking about it.
We'll meet with Ed. I probably won't have to sign anything, but I suspect that's just a battle won and not the war. Kelly Services (the good temp agency, not the one I'm currently working for) is looking for another gig for me. Julia's already said they owe me big time for landing that contract for them at the job that didn't pan out. Hopefully, they'll get me placed somewhere before The Douche figures out a way to have another go at making things needlessly difficult.
Compared to what was happening last year at this time, even the sucky stuff is small potatoes. Dad's not suffering, my mother can't get at me, I have a job and two ridiculously happy ferrets, and my therapist isn't a hysterical, cop-calling flake. :P The Douche and all his efforts to out-douche even Summer's Eve and Massengill don't even come close to tipping me into a crisis kind of headspace. This is stressful but it's manageable. I have no doubt he earned that broken nose of his by pulling a variation of this shit with someone else, too; that's a certain balm on my soul as well.