So...I found the dog...
Funny story: I was in the shower, with hair color, hot water and conditioner running over my eyes when I hear "jingle...thwumpthwumpjinglethwumpthwumpthwumpjingleTHUWMPTHWUPCRINKLEWWOoSHTHWUMPCRASH!" I wipe my eyes and open them to find the wet, panting, dog sitting at the other end of the tub with various shampoo and conditioner bottles littered at her feet. A "What the fuck are you doing?" and a "get the fuck out, weirdo" later I had her out of the tub. She then decides to prop her front legs on the side of the tub and gaze at me past the curtain while I finish my shower. Needless to say, I finished quickly. I have the weirdest fucking dog in the world.