Dead.
The past few days have been bad.
Yesterday (the 2nd) was really bad, for no reason, so today I slept for most of the day. My work called me twice but I ignored them. I was up too late last night, letting unreal scenes and too real memories run through me over and over. I was thinking about mistakes that I've made and how I can't change them now. I was thinking about how I feel stupid and frustrated and vicious all at the same time.
I was trying to figure out how I can make my life better- while still being the me that trusts and cares and loves so easily. But in reality, I can't do anything to change me. The way I am is the way I am for a reason. I spent a while not knowing who I was, and then I worked hard to create the me that I am now. I think I hold my perfect combination. Stubborn, caring, vengeful, helpful and more, all at the same time.
I only do what I can. And I can only give so much until I am empty.
But I will give until I am empty. To those who need me. Those I love and trust. Because that's how I do.
But I am not stupid. And sometimes I am not nice. And sometimes I won't answer a "slap in the face" phone call. And sometimes I will make one.
And I've just been thinking all day and my brain is tired. Amber is home, so that's good. We spent some time together and it was really nice... But my brain is tired.
I hope that soon I can sort some things out.
Good night.
Yesterday (the 2nd) was really bad, for no reason, so today I slept for most of the day. My work called me twice but I ignored them. I was up too late last night, letting unreal scenes and too real memories run through me over and over. I was thinking about mistakes that I've made and how I can't change them now. I was thinking about how I feel stupid and frustrated and vicious all at the same time.
I was trying to figure out how I can make my life better- while still being the me that trusts and cares and loves so easily. But in reality, I can't do anything to change me. The way I am is the way I am for a reason. I spent a while not knowing who I was, and then I worked hard to create the me that I am now. I think I hold my perfect combination. Stubborn, caring, vengeful, helpful and more, all at the same time.
I only do what I can. And I can only give so much until I am empty.
But I will give until I am empty. To those who need me. Those I love and trust. Because that's how I do.
But I am not stupid. And sometimes I am not nice. And sometimes I won't answer a "slap in the face" phone call. And sometimes I will make one.
And I've just been thinking all day and my brain is tired. Amber is home, so that's good. We spent some time together and it was really nice... But my brain is tired.
I hope that soon I can sort some things out.
Good night.