I'm going to allow my head to explode
Yes, this is a rant.
You know what... I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of struggling to get anywhere in life. I'm tired of everytime something good comes along, that is has to be complicated and once again, I have to fucking fight for it. I'm tired of being entirely unable to escape the past, to deal with it, to move on, to let it be exactly what it is. I'm tired of the past tormenting my present and making me fear the future. I'm tired of struggling with it. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of crying alone. I'm tired of being too weak to pick up the phone and call someone. I'm tired of being on the phone and being to afraid to tell them I'm utter and total shit. I'm tired of being ashamed of my scars because everyone can see them. I'm tired of having days where I can't exist. I'm tired of taking one step forwards and two steps backwards. I'm tired of being so fucked in the head that I can't do anything for anyone else.
I'm fucking tired of caring. Tired of putting on the happy face and pretending it's all ok. I'm tired of being a burden. Tired of forcing me to take care of me when I honestly don't give a good goddamn shit! I don't care! YOU HEAR ME!?! I don't fucking care!
I'm busted up and broken and there hasn't been anything to fix that yet and I'm pretty sure there aren't any miracle cures in my future, cause oops... you know what... that would be too fuckin easy! That's life. Yea, life... and in life... there aren't always happy endings. Some people get the good end of the deal, the walk down easy street, and the silver spoon in their noxious mouths. And some of us, some of us get fucked... get left up shit creek to rot and die no matter how good we are, no matter how hard we try, and you know what... THAT'S LIFE! I've come to the conclusion that one can be as optimistic as one chooses but it isn't going to do a good goddamned thing except delude us into thinking that maybe we have some twist in our personal plot that makes it all worth it in the end. Some of us are just completely and totally fucked... we're here for balance. Cause that's what life is all about... and since some people have happy endings then there are others who are just, straight up, here to shovel shit.
And upon coming to this conclusion... I realized that nothing I do matters. Doesn't matter the kind of person I am, cause being a good person, a nice person, a kind and considerate and well-mannered individual HASN'T GOTTEN ME SHIT. I think sometimes I'd be better off to be a total bitch, to drink and party and fuck everything that moves... to use people, at least then something might be to my benefit, to beat the shit out of someone when I feel like it, to not give a shit about anyone or anything and turn into a completely selfish person. It doesn't matter if I get out of bed, if I go to college, if I have a job, a car, a family, friends... It doesn't matter... cause you know what, either way, it's always going to be the same. It's been the same pattern my entire life, and it's the same pattern inside my mind... no matter what I do, it goes to shit.
And since i know that some of you who read this will ask me if you can do anything to help... here's what you can do:
You can get me bottle to drown myself in, a pile of pills, and a new pack of blades and let's call it party, cause I am so done with this happy, optimistic, hope for the future bullshit.
You know what... I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of struggling to get anywhere in life. I'm tired of everytime something good comes along, that is has to be complicated and once again, I have to fucking fight for it. I'm tired of being entirely unable to escape the past, to deal with it, to move on, to let it be exactly what it is. I'm tired of the past tormenting my present and making me fear the future. I'm tired of struggling with it. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of crying alone. I'm tired of being too weak to pick up the phone and call someone. I'm tired of being on the phone and being to afraid to tell them I'm utter and total shit. I'm tired of being ashamed of my scars because everyone can see them. I'm tired of having days where I can't exist. I'm tired of taking one step forwards and two steps backwards. I'm tired of being so fucked in the head that I can't do anything for anyone else.
I'm fucking tired of caring. Tired of putting on the happy face and pretending it's all ok. I'm tired of being a burden. Tired of forcing me to take care of me when I honestly don't give a good goddamn shit! I don't care! YOU HEAR ME!?! I don't fucking care!
I'm busted up and broken and there hasn't been anything to fix that yet and I'm pretty sure there aren't any miracle cures in my future, cause oops... you know what... that would be too fuckin easy! That's life. Yea, life... and in life... there aren't always happy endings. Some people get the good end of the deal, the walk down easy street, and the silver spoon in their noxious mouths. And some of us, some of us get fucked... get left up shit creek to rot and die no matter how good we are, no matter how hard we try, and you know what... THAT'S LIFE! I've come to the conclusion that one can be as optimistic as one chooses but it isn't going to do a good goddamned thing except delude us into thinking that maybe we have some twist in our personal plot that makes it all worth it in the end. Some of us are just completely and totally fucked... we're here for balance. Cause that's what life is all about... and since some people have happy endings then there are others who are just, straight up, here to shovel shit.
And upon coming to this conclusion... I realized that nothing I do matters. Doesn't matter the kind of person I am, cause being a good person, a nice person, a kind and considerate and well-mannered individual HASN'T GOTTEN ME SHIT. I think sometimes I'd be better off to be a total bitch, to drink and party and fuck everything that moves... to use people, at least then something might be to my benefit, to beat the shit out of someone when I feel like it, to not give a shit about anyone or anything and turn into a completely selfish person. It doesn't matter if I get out of bed, if I go to college, if I have a job, a car, a family, friends... It doesn't matter... cause you know what, either way, it's always going to be the same. It's been the same pattern my entire life, and it's the same pattern inside my mind... no matter what I do, it goes to shit.
And since i know that some of you who read this will ask me if you can do anything to help... here's what you can do:
You can get me bottle to drown myself in, a pile of pills, and a new pack of blades and let's call it party, cause I am so done with this happy, optimistic, hope for the future bullshit.