What Is Life Without Examination
So... been a while since I decided to put another one of these buggers up. I'm not sure if thats good or bad. Not sure about a lot of things anymore these days to be perfectly honest.
Oh, and if you want to skip all the detailed shit there is a summary at the bottom of this blog.
Most of you have seen me since I got back from my Pennsylvania trip... which, let me on no uncertain terms state now: it was horrific and had very few good points to it. For those of you who haven't heard it all... I'll try to give you the abbreviated version. Uhm... arrived friday after an 8 and a half hour drive on 2 hours of sleep. Spent some visiting time with my mother, having a strange urge the moment I walked into the house that I wanted to turn around and leave... on so many levels I wish I had. Finally went to go see Kat and spent hours talking with her and then all of the sudden, in the process of rambling to her about my mother's wedding... my brain let me in on a little secret: I really had a huge problem with my Mother and John getting married (I will devote a section to this further along). So, I freaked out, bawled, rambled and raved. Saturday is spent in utter laziness and help my mother with final details. The wedding occurs sunday... again, this will be devoted to another section. Mom and John go on their honeymoon and I begin my week of vacation to see people and catch up. Much to my dismay... things really have changed far too much and I've been too far gone now to have any ability to know how to adapt. One friend went from being an average pothead to being consistently strung out on one thing or another. Another, while I love the girl to death and have for years, has changed in her own ways and I've changed in my own ways and we no longer think alike at all. And I'm pretty sure the other two people just hate me. My bright spot is Kat... and she's the only bright thing I've got left up there anymore, her and my old kitties that still live with mom. Needless to say, thats enough to leave one with a bitter taste in their mouth.
So, the wedding rant, I know you guys are all dreading this... feel free to skip past it if it doesn't interest you or if you already heard it all. So, the night I was rambling to Kat... I just kind of got lost in my own strange train of thoughts. I'd known for a while that mom was getting married and when she told me, I was all fine and dandy and, as I said before, was just peachy keen up until that friday night. I realized that I had problem with my mother's happiness... with John's happiness... with their happiness together. My father is still bitter and still hurt from what my mother did to him and to me... dad still feels so much responsibility for all the bullshit I grew up with no matter what I tell him. 14 years of marriage for it to mean absolutely jackshit. My mother, the abusive, cheating, psychowhore... who hasn't had to suffer the pangs of loneliness my father has... who never had to feel any loss because John was right there as soon as my dad and I were gone.... my fucking mother got to be married. Talk about some cruel joke... and my father, who would like nothing more than to find a good woman who he could love, who he could share a life with... is still so jaded and afraid of being hurt and every year I watch his hope for that fade farther and farther away. If ever I have lost my faith in Karma, even if it was only for a short while, it was right then... realizing the sick fucking irony of the whole situation. Not to mention, I have this whole new side of family I've never had... a stepfather, a new uncle, stepbrother and stepsister and her husband... and I don't know what my mother bloody well expects of me regarding all that shit. As far I can go with it, I refuse to acknowledge John as my "stepfather"... his daughter and I talked briefly at the wedding and both agreed the whole ordeal was awkward and uncomfortable. I rarely see any of them anyone, more often I just have to see John and my mother. It pisses me off so much to see them together... they're so fucking peaceful with each other... my mother is more restrained... which, of course, my father and I never got the benefit. What I would've fucking killed for my mother to have the restrain when I was younger... maybe I wouldn't be the fuck up I am today... maybe I wouldn't be sitting here in tears wishing it didn't hurt so much. And to watch the wedding... oh god to watch their fucking wedding... I had sit and clench my fists to contain the rage as I listened to their vows... their "I do's"... and having to know that my mother gave those vows to my father once... and it didn't mean jackshit. I wanted to just scream at her and call her a lousy, lying, two-timing, abusive whore and walk off. But I'm a good child... I'm loving daughter... I am supportive despite my own wounds... and I know when to hold my hot temper and lashing tongue. The wedding dinner was... well... I next to my mother, at the end corner of the table... and she and john talked the entire time with johns father, and children and brother... and my mother spoke me a whole of maybe three times just to ask how my food was. Jee, why am I feeling de-ja-vu? Oh, that's right, because that's exactly how thanksgiving dinner went too.
Fucking Bitch- I wish I could... just one time... tell her exactly what I think of her.
So... needless to say... my sanity was given no peace while I was up in pennsylvania and I spent two weeks up there wanting nothing more that to come home and be with my loved ones. But here's the twist... and part I don't really understand...
I haven't been comfortable in any skin since I returned home. I have not desired to be in my house... I have not spent the uber amounts of time with the people I normally do... and no matter where I seek it... I cannot find peace for my heart. I have not had the desire to draw on the closeness I normally seek after and the tightly bound companionship I normally need. I think I am more content in the company of strangers right now... uncaring, unknowing strangers... where my name is all they need. And when I am around my loved ones... I don't know what to say, I don't know how to connect... they themselves feel like strangers to me. And I know it's because some part of me has, thanks to my rather traumatizing trip up to Pennsylvania, managed to shut itself down... turn itself off... and hide the "on" switch. Something about that trip broke a part of me... between the hurt and anger towards my mother and the shock of realizing there is nothing more than Kat left in Pennsylvania for me to care about because everyone else has grown so far away... something in me literally curled up and died I think. I.... I am lacking a total and complete desire for closeness... I want that which is shallow and painless... that which I can pull away from and feel no regret and remorse. I want to push away those with whom I am connected. I want to break the bonds and I want to be alone. I want to be nameless and forgettable. I want to be safe from hurt and loss.
Hell, I just want to stop hurting all together.
And the fucked up thing... the thing that really makes me shit myself... and is that I know I am hurting people who I truly care about right now. I know my actions and inactions are doing nothing but harm to my friends and myself. I am even hurting my dad because I refuse to spend time at home, or, if I am at home, I remain holed up in my room. And I don't like hurting the people I care about... I wish I could... just make them forget about me, make it as if I were never ever there. But that's impossible and I know that I cannot so painlessly shift away... I know I'm hurting the ones I love but I am so torn inside right now... fight or flight in a lot of ways... that I can't see straight and am just stumbling along blindly.
So, in a few sentences... I'm not myself and haven't been since my trip up north... and I don't know what to do... I don't know what I really want... I'm fucking up... and I'm breaking down.
Oh, and if you want to skip all the detailed shit there is a summary at the bottom of this blog.
Most of you have seen me since I got back from my Pennsylvania trip... which, let me on no uncertain terms state now: it was horrific and had very few good points to it. For those of you who haven't heard it all... I'll try to give you the abbreviated version. Uhm... arrived friday after an 8 and a half hour drive on 2 hours of sleep. Spent some visiting time with my mother, having a strange urge the moment I walked into the house that I wanted to turn around and leave... on so many levels I wish I had. Finally went to go see Kat and spent hours talking with her and then all of the sudden, in the process of rambling to her about my mother's wedding... my brain let me in on a little secret: I really had a huge problem with my Mother and John getting married (I will devote a section to this further along). So, I freaked out, bawled, rambled and raved. Saturday is spent in utter laziness and help my mother with final details. The wedding occurs sunday... again, this will be devoted to another section. Mom and John go on their honeymoon and I begin my week of vacation to see people and catch up. Much to my dismay... things really have changed far too much and I've been too far gone now to have any ability to know how to adapt. One friend went from being an average pothead to being consistently strung out on one thing or another. Another, while I love the girl to death and have for years, has changed in her own ways and I've changed in my own ways and we no longer think alike at all. And I'm pretty sure the other two people just hate me. My bright spot is Kat... and she's the only bright thing I've got left up there anymore, her and my old kitties that still live with mom. Needless to say, thats enough to leave one with a bitter taste in their mouth.
So, the wedding rant, I know you guys are all dreading this... feel free to skip past it if it doesn't interest you or if you already heard it all. So, the night I was rambling to Kat... I just kind of got lost in my own strange train of thoughts. I'd known for a while that mom was getting married and when she told me, I was all fine and dandy and, as I said before, was just peachy keen up until that friday night. I realized that I had problem with my mother's happiness... with John's happiness... with their happiness together. My father is still bitter and still hurt from what my mother did to him and to me... dad still feels so much responsibility for all the bullshit I grew up with no matter what I tell him. 14 years of marriage for it to mean absolutely jackshit. My mother, the abusive, cheating, psychowhore... who hasn't had to suffer the pangs of loneliness my father has... who never had to feel any loss because John was right there as soon as my dad and I were gone.... my fucking mother got to be married. Talk about some cruel joke... and my father, who would like nothing more than to find a good woman who he could love, who he could share a life with... is still so jaded and afraid of being hurt and every year I watch his hope for that fade farther and farther away. If ever I have lost my faith in Karma, even if it was only for a short while, it was right then... realizing the sick fucking irony of the whole situation. Not to mention, I have this whole new side of family I've never had... a stepfather, a new uncle, stepbrother and stepsister and her husband... and I don't know what my mother bloody well expects of me regarding all that shit. As far I can go with it, I refuse to acknowledge John as my "stepfather"... his daughter and I talked briefly at the wedding and both agreed the whole ordeal was awkward and uncomfortable. I rarely see any of them anyone, more often I just have to see John and my mother. It pisses me off so much to see them together... they're so fucking peaceful with each other... my mother is more restrained... which, of course, my father and I never got the benefit. What I would've fucking killed for my mother to have the restrain when I was younger... maybe I wouldn't be the fuck up I am today... maybe I wouldn't be sitting here in tears wishing it didn't hurt so much. And to watch the wedding... oh god to watch their fucking wedding... I had sit and clench my fists to contain the rage as I listened to their vows... their "I do's"... and having to know that my mother gave those vows to my father once... and it didn't mean jackshit. I wanted to just scream at her and call her a lousy, lying, two-timing, abusive whore and walk off. But I'm a good child... I'm loving daughter... I am supportive despite my own wounds... and I know when to hold my hot temper and lashing tongue. The wedding dinner was... well... I next to my mother, at the end corner of the table... and she and john talked the entire time with johns father, and children and brother... and my mother spoke me a whole of maybe three times just to ask how my food was. Jee, why am I feeling de-ja-vu? Oh, that's right, because that's exactly how thanksgiving dinner went too.
Fucking Bitch- I wish I could... just one time... tell her exactly what I think of her.
So... needless to say... my sanity was given no peace while I was up in pennsylvania and I spent two weeks up there wanting nothing more that to come home and be with my loved ones. But here's the twist... and part I don't really understand...
I haven't been comfortable in any skin since I returned home. I have not desired to be in my house... I have not spent the uber amounts of time with the people I normally do... and no matter where I seek it... I cannot find peace for my heart. I have not had the desire to draw on the closeness I normally seek after and the tightly bound companionship I normally need. I think I am more content in the company of strangers right now... uncaring, unknowing strangers... where my name is all they need. And when I am around my loved ones... I don't know what to say, I don't know how to connect... they themselves feel like strangers to me. And I know it's because some part of me has, thanks to my rather traumatizing trip up to Pennsylvania, managed to shut itself down... turn itself off... and hide the "on" switch. Something about that trip broke a part of me... between the hurt and anger towards my mother and the shock of realizing there is nothing more than Kat left in Pennsylvania for me to care about because everyone else has grown so far away... something in me literally curled up and died I think. I.... I am lacking a total and complete desire for closeness... I want that which is shallow and painless... that which I can pull away from and feel no regret and remorse. I want to push away those with whom I am connected. I want to break the bonds and I want to be alone. I want to be nameless and forgettable. I want to be safe from hurt and loss.
Hell, I just want to stop hurting all together.
And the fucked up thing... the thing that really makes me shit myself... and is that I know I am hurting people who I truly care about right now. I know my actions and inactions are doing nothing but harm to my friends and myself. I am even hurting my dad because I refuse to spend time at home, or, if I am at home, I remain holed up in my room. And I don't like hurting the people I care about... I wish I could... just make them forget about me, make it as if I were never ever there. But that's impossible and I know that I cannot so painlessly shift away... I know I'm hurting the ones I love but I am so torn inside right now... fight or flight in a lot of ways... that I can't see straight and am just stumbling along blindly.
So, in a few sentences... I'm not myself and haven't been since my trip up north... and I don't know what to do... I don't know what I really want... I'm fucking up... and I'm breaking down.