Ophelia's drowning again
So here's the deal... I figure I probably need to admit this since, well, it's not going away and it's not getting any better.
I am shit on toast right now. Shit feels like me.
I have pretty much been debilitated to this useless lump of breathing junk whose only goals right now are to get through the day.
School is suffering, I may only make a D in my english course because I've fucked up in it all semester. I'm ready to just walk out of work and tell them all to take a great flying fuck. My self-neglect is moving slowly to an all time high and it's only by self-inflicted force and a need to not be anymore offensive to anyone than I already am that I even take a shower.
I am depressed out of my goddamn mind and keep losing my sanity piece by piece. I am unhappy with everything in my life and everything about me and I feel like there is nothing I can do to change it.
I am angry as hell and want to lash out at everyone, want to find some release for this pain, want to find someone to blame for the way I am and the way I can't be fucking normal in my mind. It's not too fucking much to ask that when everything in my life seems to lack, and has always lacked, that certain stability that I could at least have a stable mind to put up with it all.
I want to fucking strangle my therapist for the neverending onslaught of hearing the same goddamn thing everytime I go in there:
"have you been taking care of yourself?"
"I've tried"
"How?"
"Little things... music... internet... it's not working though and it turns into an issue of escapism."
"Well, Rebecca you know you can't do anything for anyone if you don't take care of you..."
"I know, but I feel guilty for anything I do to take care of me when there's a million other more important things."
"Well you need to take care of you, take 5 minutes and do something for you.."
"I can't, I get a self-given guilt trip if I even think about it."
"Well you need to do it."
[My latest therapy session]
THANK YOU FUCKING CAPTAIN REPETITIVE AND USELESS! I want to fucking jump down her throat for not helping me. I want to make her tell me why nothing works and why it never feels better and why I hate myself for it.
I want some goddamn answers to why I feel like the punchline to some cosmic fucking joke. Why I have so much promise and it will NEVER be realized because I'm too much of an unstable fuck. Why when my friends need me most I can't do a fucking thing for them. Why I have to hide the fact from my father that his daughter is a fucked up mental case and entirely useless at life... that it's not just stress. It's never just stress.
*collapses and sobs*
I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of not understanding. I'm so tired of hating myself and hating what used to be such a beautiful mind. I hate being jaded. I hate sequestering myself into this lonely, miserable hole when my brain goes to shit... feeling like a goddamn wounded animal that simply wants to be left alone.
I got my one year, guys. Yep, I got my one year of no self-injury and a week and a half later I can't garauntee I'm going to be able to hold onto it. The urges are overwhelming, the desire to just cut and bleed and hope this all seeps out in the process is... it sounds so nice.
Sorry guys, if it's not some sort of weakness indulging escapism, I don't have much desire to be apart of it right now. I can't do anything for anyone right now, I can't be the hero, I can't rescue anyone.
I can't even rescue myself.
If you don't hear from me, I'm probably still alive but just... finding something to lose myself in until it all goes away.
I am shit on toast right now. Shit feels like me.
I have pretty much been debilitated to this useless lump of breathing junk whose only goals right now are to get through the day.
School is suffering, I may only make a D in my english course because I've fucked up in it all semester. I'm ready to just walk out of work and tell them all to take a great flying fuck. My self-neglect is moving slowly to an all time high and it's only by self-inflicted force and a need to not be anymore offensive to anyone than I already am that I even take a shower.
I am depressed out of my goddamn mind and keep losing my sanity piece by piece. I am unhappy with everything in my life and everything about me and I feel like there is nothing I can do to change it.
I am angry as hell and want to lash out at everyone, want to find some release for this pain, want to find someone to blame for the way I am and the way I can't be fucking normal in my mind. It's not too fucking much to ask that when everything in my life seems to lack, and has always lacked, that certain stability that I could at least have a stable mind to put up with it all.
I want to fucking strangle my therapist for the neverending onslaught of hearing the same goddamn thing everytime I go in there:
"have you been taking care of yourself?"
"I've tried"
"How?"
"Little things... music... internet... it's not working though and it turns into an issue of escapism."
"Well, Rebecca you know you can't do anything for anyone if you don't take care of you..."
"I know, but I feel guilty for anything I do to take care of me when there's a million other more important things."
"Well you need to take care of you, take 5 minutes and do something for you.."
"I can't, I get a self-given guilt trip if I even think about it."
"Well you need to do it."
[My latest therapy session]
THANK YOU FUCKING CAPTAIN REPETITIVE AND USELESS! I want to fucking jump down her throat for not helping me. I want to make her tell me why nothing works and why it never feels better and why I hate myself for it.
I want some goddamn answers to why I feel like the punchline to some cosmic fucking joke. Why I have so much promise and it will NEVER be realized because I'm too much of an unstable fuck. Why when my friends need me most I can't do a fucking thing for them. Why I have to hide the fact from my father that his daughter is a fucked up mental case and entirely useless at life... that it's not just stress. It's never just stress.
*collapses and sobs*
I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of not understanding. I'm so tired of hating myself and hating what used to be such a beautiful mind. I hate being jaded. I hate sequestering myself into this lonely, miserable hole when my brain goes to shit... feeling like a goddamn wounded animal that simply wants to be left alone.
I got my one year, guys. Yep, I got my one year of no self-injury and a week and a half later I can't garauntee I'm going to be able to hold onto it. The urges are overwhelming, the desire to just cut and bleed and hope this all seeps out in the process is... it sounds so nice.
Sorry guys, if it's not some sort of weakness indulging escapism, I don't have much desire to be apart of it right now. I can't do anything for anyone right now, I can't be the hero, I can't rescue anyone.
I can't even rescue myself.
If you don't hear from me, I'm probably still alive but just... finding something to lose myself in until it all goes away.