(no subject)
Someone just shoot me...
My impromptu beach trip has turned out to be only a temporary alleviation of the goo in my brain. Started cycling back under sunday night... woke up this morning just simply wanting to cry.
I hate this shit. I really do. It's tough... cause if I could just crash and sleep it out... it wouldn't be so bad. But I've got my classes and work... neither of which I think would be so understanding of "Well.. I can't work today because I'm depressed, having nightmare mood swings, trouble sleeping, and wondering what it might be like to wrap my car around a telephone pole."
Note on that last part: I am not suicidal. It's just the self-harm thoughts that course my brain in these crashes.
It's draining me... I don't feel like trying, at anything. Had a pysch test today which I never did study for and I honestly don't care... got a midterm in art on wednesday which I should study for but again, just don't care... only had 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night thanks to my fucked up sleep. I was tired but I couldn't quite get there. Oh, and that paper I turned in to my writing course on thursday was absolute shit... yet somehow, I just fail to see why I should have to care right now.
I'm just tired... I'm sick of school, I'm sick of work and I hate my job, I'm fed up with dad, therapy's not doing me a lick of good... all I do is go in there, tell her what's going on, tell her how I'm handling things, and then she tells me either what I already know or that what I'm doing is just right or on the rare occasion she makes a good and useful suggestion. In any case, hearing what I already know or that I'm doing what I'm supposed to and then leaving and seeing it not work... at all... ever.... not very uplifting.
The only thing keeping my head above water right now is my friends. They don't even know it though... not since I haven't been able to open up to them about any of this shit. But they do... they help... if it weren't for them I'd probably just sit back and decide to fuck school and fuck work and fuck everything right now. But I don't... because I remember what they would tell.
Jesus... all I want right now is to curl up in someone's arms and just bawl my goddamn eyes out. And then just fall asleep... safe and sound.
I really don't like to be afraid of myself.
*sighs and pads off* work now. sleep later.
My impromptu beach trip has turned out to be only a temporary alleviation of the goo in my brain. Started cycling back under sunday night... woke up this morning just simply wanting to cry.
I hate this shit. I really do. It's tough... cause if I could just crash and sleep it out... it wouldn't be so bad. But I've got my classes and work... neither of which I think would be so understanding of "Well.. I can't work today because I'm depressed, having nightmare mood swings, trouble sleeping, and wondering what it might be like to wrap my car around a telephone pole."
Note on that last part: I am not suicidal. It's just the self-harm thoughts that course my brain in these crashes.
It's draining me... I don't feel like trying, at anything. Had a pysch test today which I never did study for and I honestly don't care... got a midterm in art on wednesday which I should study for but again, just don't care... only had 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night thanks to my fucked up sleep. I was tired but I couldn't quite get there. Oh, and that paper I turned in to my writing course on thursday was absolute shit... yet somehow, I just fail to see why I should have to care right now.
I'm just tired... I'm sick of school, I'm sick of work and I hate my job, I'm fed up with dad, therapy's not doing me a lick of good... all I do is go in there, tell her what's going on, tell her how I'm handling things, and then she tells me either what I already know or that what I'm doing is just right or on the rare occasion she makes a good and useful suggestion. In any case, hearing what I already know or that I'm doing what I'm supposed to and then leaving and seeing it not work... at all... ever.... not very uplifting.
The only thing keeping my head above water right now is my friends. They don't even know it though... not since I haven't been able to open up to them about any of this shit. But they do... they help... if it weren't for them I'd probably just sit back and decide to fuck school and fuck work and fuck everything right now. But I don't... because I remember what they would tell.
Jesus... all I want right now is to curl up in someone's arms and just bawl my goddamn eyes out. And then just fall asleep... safe and sound.
I really don't like to be afraid of myself.
*sighs and pads off* work now. sleep later.