Day by Day
....
Ok, seriously... this shit sucks.
I feel like I only have time to think about the day to day shit and as much as I want to reminisce about what's been going on, something new overshadows it everyday.
I want to talk to people about all my junk... I want to put up a real fuckin entry to document what's been going on....I want send a long-overdue e-mail to Kat....
But everytime I fucking turn around I feel like I have been absorbed into the primordial ooze that is this busy-ness of my life.
I feel like I don't have time to really connect with anyone. Even the people I see every few days... I feel so disconnected and distant. My body is in the room, but my mind is always wandering somewhere else. The words they speak are so staticky and distant that I only understand them for their face value and no matter how I try, I don't hear them for what lies beneath.
When I feel something... I don't know how to face it. I just know it's there but can't find the words to help... to care... to do something more than say "I'm sorry..." What good are those words? What the hell do they say? That's what everyone says and I'm not everyone. I want to be there for other people, it's the only that brings me joy... seeing joy in the eyes of my friends. No matter what my world is like, when my friends are happy then I can be happy. It's tough not seeing that light and not being able to do a damn thing about it.
Oh and while I'm talking about being distant... well, let's be equal opportunity offender folks. How about I'm not sure next time I got to Pa if I'm going to have a friendly face to turn to. I don't ever have time to just sit and talk to my mother on the phone, to try to keep that relationship from hitting the rocks again. I keep meaning to keep in touch with Josh, to call Leah and see how she is, to send Brian an e-mail... and then Kat... good god...
I wouldn't blame her if she was just fed up with me by this point. Unlike everyone else (save for my mother) she's been pushing me for contact. She wants an e-mail about what's going on in my world, about how college is, about how I am, about everything. I have so much I to tell her about and I want to tell her so badly... but I never seem to be able to get it all down or get it all out. When I think I'm going to have the time something new is in the way... and... let's not forget how little contact I've kept with her at all. I've tried... think of the girl day after day... cried over her just the other night when I told a friend about her... I've tried to send little notes. But I have a feeling she's frustrated with me and I don't blame her one bit. I'm frustrated with me too.
The paganistic-hippie in me is reeling because I never have time to really sit back and smell the flowers anymore... the goth in me reeling for lack of introspective time... and the four year is throwing a tantrum because I haven't gone out and been goofy and gay and free of adult constraints for just a while. My spirituality is lacking and my room is in desperate need of cleaning to make the energies flow.
I should be in bed right now, so I can get up in the morning, but instead I'm writing this so I won't pop. I want to make it all right but i just feel like... like I'm stuck between a rock (college) and a hard place (work). After all, I hate my job and school is just tedious. I know I said I wanted a liberal, well-rounded education but I'm not so sure I agree with myself anymore. I'm bored... plenty of shit to do... but I'm bored. I don't feel like I'm engaged enough. I sit in a room, I take notes and I go home. That's no good. My classes were so engaging at first and now they just seem... dull and lackluster. It's starting to be like high-school... just something else I'm "supposed" to do. I just want to get past the bullshit and into the real world and my real career. I hate my job at the coffee shop and yet there is no other place where my hours are so easily manipulated and I get paid so damn well. So I, once again, complacently take my share of the shit in hopes for better time later on. It's a money-making experience... that's what I tell myself.
I don't get a break this month... my fall break from classes I still have work... my fall break from work I still have classes... dad's being an ass about insurance money so I won't get to go away for a lil while on either break or later on. I wanted to go to Asheville this coming week but decided to forsake it for a chance to go to New Orleans at the end of the month... then dad decided to be an ass about New Orleans and so I'm not doing either now. Gee, thanks Dad. I guess I get sick of busting my ass and not getting the recognition I feel like I deserve.
Dad just... god, I'm so ill with him. I got a 94% on my first pysch exam (highest grade in the class too) and I've made perfect scores on my papers for all my classes and instead of saying "Wow, good job... I'm impressed you're doing so well off the bat..." I hear out of his mouth "Just think about how much better you could've done." Think about how much better I could've fucking done!!!!!!!!!! You know what, I just wish for a moment he could think about how much worse I could've fucking done. I wish he'd go and do it for me and work like I do and stress like I do and then try to tell me I to think about how I could've done better. Push, push, push... nag, nag, nag... like I'm 12 again and can't take care of myself. I work 28 hours a week and I go to class full time (12 hours a week) which essentially equals a 40 hour week for me... then on top of that, I have to study and take care of those papers that come due... and somehow I still have to make time for my friends and for me to -try- to relax. But let's be honest, I haven't been able to relax in weeks. I can't stop thinking about everything and it just makes my entire body hurt. So Dad can just suck on it in my opinion... he can take his "think about how much better you can do" and cram it up his righteous ass.
*sighs and collapses* I'm fucking tired and now I've gone and gotten myself pissed off and a little depressed.
I'm going to bed.
Ok, seriously... this shit sucks.
I feel like I only have time to think about the day to day shit and as much as I want to reminisce about what's been going on, something new overshadows it everyday.
I want to talk to people about all my junk... I want to put up a real fuckin entry to document what's been going on....I want send a long-overdue e-mail to Kat....
But everytime I fucking turn around I feel like I have been absorbed into the primordial ooze that is this busy-ness of my life.
I feel like I don't have time to really connect with anyone. Even the people I see every few days... I feel so disconnected and distant. My body is in the room, but my mind is always wandering somewhere else. The words they speak are so staticky and distant that I only understand them for their face value and no matter how I try, I don't hear them for what lies beneath.
When I feel something... I don't know how to face it. I just know it's there but can't find the words to help... to care... to do something more than say "I'm sorry..." What good are those words? What the hell do they say? That's what everyone says and I'm not everyone. I want to be there for other people, it's the only that brings me joy... seeing joy in the eyes of my friends. No matter what my world is like, when my friends are happy then I can be happy. It's tough not seeing that light and not being able to do a damn thing about it.
Oh and while I'm talking about being distant... well, let's be equal opportunity offender folks. How about I'm not sure next time I got to Pa if I'm going to have a friendly face to turn to. I don't ever have time to just sit and talk to my mother on the phone, to try to keep that relationship from hitting the rocks again. I keep meaning to keep in touch with Josh, to call Leah and see how she is, to send Brian an e-mail... and then Kat... good god...
I wouldn't blame her if she was just fed up with me by this point. Unlike everyone else (save for my mother) she's been pushing me for contact. She wants an e-mail about what's going on in my world, about how college is, about how I am, about everything. I have so much I to tell her about and I want to tell her so badly... but I never seem to be able to get it all down or get it all out. When I think I'm going to have the time something new is in the way... and... let's not forget how little contact I've kept with her at all. I've tried... think of the girl day after day... cried over her just the other night when I told a friend about her... I've tried to send little notes. But I have a feeling she's frustrated with me and I don't blame her one bit. I'm frustrated with me too.
The paganistic-hippie in me is reeling because I never have time to really sit back and smell the flowers anymore... the goth in me reeling for lack of introspective time... and the four year is throwing a tantrum because I haven't gone out and been goofy and gay and free of adult constraints for just a while. My spirituality is lacking and my room is in desperate need of cleaning to make the energies flow.
I should be in bed right now, so I can get up in the morning, but instead I'm writing this so I won't pop. I want to make it all right but i just feel like... like I'm stuck between a rock (college) and a hard place (work). After all, I hate my job and school is just tedious. I know I said I wanted a liberal, well-rounded education but I'm not so sure I agree with myself anymore. I'm bored... plenty of shit to do... but I'm bored. I don't feel like I'm engaged enough. I sit in a room, I take notes and I go home. That's no good. My classes were so engaging at first and now they just seem... dull and lackluster. It's starting to be like high-school... just something else I'm "supposed" to do. I just want to get past the bullshit and into the real world and my real career. I hate my job at the coffee shop and yet there is no other place where my hours are so easily manipulated and I get paid so damn well. So I, once again, complacently take my share of the shit in hopes for better time later on. It's a money-making experience... that's what I tell myself.
I don't get a break this month... my fall break from classes I still have work... my fall break from work I still have classes... dad's being an ass about insurance money so I won't get to go away for a lil while on either break or later on. I wanted to go to Asheville this coming week but decided to forsake it for a chance to go to New Orleans at the end of the month... then dad decided to be an ass about New Orleans and so I'm not doing either now. Gee, thanks Dad. I guess I get sick of busting my ass and not getting the recognition I feel like I deserve.
Dad just... god, I'm so ill with him. I got a 94% on my first pysch exam (highest grade in the class too) and I've made perfect scores on my papers for all my classes and instead of saying "Wow, good job... I'm impressed you're doing so well off the bat..." I hear out of his mouth "Just think about how much better you could've done." Think about how much better I could've fucking done!!!!!!!!!! You know what, I just wish for a moment he could think about how much worse I could've fucking done. I wish he'd go and do it for me and work like I do and stress like I do and then try to tell me I to think about how I could've done better. Push, push, push... nag, nag, nag... like I'm 12 again and can't take care of myself. I work 28 hours a week and I go to class full time (12 hours a week) which essentially equals a 40 hour week for me... then on top of that, I have to study and take care of those papers that come due... and somehow I still have to make time for my friends and for me to -try- to relax. But let's be honest, I haven't been able to relax in weeks. I can't stop thinking about everything and it just makes my entire body hurt. So Dad can just suck on it in my opinion... he can take his "think about how much better you can do" and cram it up his righteous ass.
*sighs and collapses* I'm fucking tired and now I've gone and gotten myself pissed off and a little depressed.
I'm going to bed.