prepare yourself for an epic. i would cut it... but i'm not.

[requestsilence]

sometimes i sit here. for too long and i put myself in these moods. weird moods. unexplainable, indescribable, intangible moods... i question everything i feel about everything. and i wonder sometimes. am i only fooling myself? was i? what's real and what's just all in my head. and sometimes i wonder if i felt this way before and just dont remember. then i think back on it all and i feel sort of hollow. and sometimes i wonder what if or why or when. and sometimes i dont know what i wonder, except that i wonder why my stomach drops and my eyes feel like they may start to leak tears for no apparent reason. and sometimes i think maybe i'll never be the same person i was back then. and i'll never feel completely the way i used to and that this is the first step but its more like trying to jump a canyon not step over a crack in the sidewalk. i'm not sure i understand myself sometimes. how i go from such a high to such uncertainty in moments. seconds. how sometimes hours drag like months and days fly by like blinks. how i lost so much faith in myself and god and the world. how i put it all in love and now i've lost that too. and how i'm sure of myself in the smallest ways and certain that we all fail. i wonder how shallow i look. or how transparent i am. or why i take things out on people who've never done anything wrong. and sometimes i feel like i'm the only person. the only little girl who seems so certain of life and love. but is so completely devastated by the disappointments in life. or the only one who sees such happiness in her own life and somehow finds a way to be sad. or scared. or adored, but thats why i'm scared. i hope people dont always look at me and think that i dont care about anything. i hope people dont see that i'm empty and that i dont have emotion or thought. i wonder if anyone knows how much i constantly think. so much that i cant sleep anymore and i cant be still or relax even a little. i get scared that i'll never find anyone again who really gets it. i wonder sometimes if god planned something for me and then i blew it by being so angry with him because it was what everyone else was doing. or if he threw away my plans when i said i didnt agree with everything the bible told me. or if he forgot about my heart when he made them. i think i've passed a lot of the tests he's given me.. but what if i failed the biggest one of all? and what if i'm not sure i believe in him and all of his rules? and what if i tell you that my lack of faith is the biggest reason i'm afraid to die. and that even greater than that is my fear of being alone. and everything being over. with you. and everyone else. and this year ending and the world shifting its paradigms once again and starting over. i've never felt so loved and so hated all at once. and thats just by myself. not even considering the way anyone else feels about me. i just think that my life is going by so fast and so many things are still so unclear. and sometimes nothing can ease that except the hours i spend laying in bed in socks with friends talking about important things or not talking at all. and sometimes just sitting on the phone in silence with someone. hearing them breath is enough. because they're there. or wake up calls at noon. reminding me that its time to go. or comments on my journal reminding me that i'm pretty. and that i'm loved. but sometimes its not enough and i need to be held. and not by anyone. by someone who really does love me. and i dont know who that is. sometimes i wonder if anyone ever really feels love or if they feel something close. is it even the same for everyone? is it even meaningful when someone you barely know tells you how wonderful you are? does that still make you wonderful or awesome or beautiful? am i? is anyone really anything until you know them inside and out. sami is beautiful. summer is beautiful. and travis is amazing. but what about those people who i dont even know and those people who i dont love. the people i dont even know. but i say i love. why does my brain keep going back to you and the comfort i feel with you. and why do i feel like i dont know anyone or any comfort like you. and your arms. and your warmth? is your warmth only warm because i want it to be. and i want it to be mine. i'm not sure who i am. but i know who i dont want to be. and i know that parts of that person i hate live inside my shell. under my skin and even inside my heart. i know how spiteful and mean i am. i know how unappreciative i am and how inconsiderate and not thoughtful i can be. but i also know how scared i am sometimes of just living. but even more afraid of dying. and i know how confused i am about life and how i constantly question every thought and word and desire and situation i find myself engulfed in. and i know that most of the questions wont ever have answers and that kills my heart. it breaks me. and i know that anyone who sees this will make so many assumptions and so many suggestions and will never voice them. but where do thoughts go once they've been thought to death? and where do feelings come from? and how can i possibly explain myself to anyone ever? and when and why and how will i come to understand myself. what makes me strong? and am i really or is that an illusion i present for myself? and am i faithful or loving or sane? and what exactly is sane anyway? anyone... anyone. if you can answer what sanity is i wouldn't be satisfied but it'd be a start. i dont know why i feel the need to record all of these mental breakdowns i have. or why i listen to songs on repeat and why i feel empty sometimes. or cold. when my life is so full and everything around me is so warm. how much knowledge will i receive in my life.. and will it go to good use? and when i die will anyone notice? and when will that be? and is it ok that i'm so afraid of falling in love again or is that foolish? and is it ok that i dont think i could ever love someone like him but i dont want to be alone so i'm trying it out to see how it goes? or am i turning into someone else in doing that. maybe i'm over analyzing it. and who knows what i could grow to love and what i cant ever love. and who could ever understand my thoughts and my fears and my losses, however small they may be. and will anyone ever understand that i'm not always ok. and i'm not always happy. and i'm not always angry or uncaring. but sometimes i cut everyone else out in an effort to save myself. and its so selfish. but i'm selfish sometimes. and i'm obsessive and compulsive and ridiculous. but i'm human. and i try to remember that its ok to be that way. but i get so worried sometimes. and i get so lost sometimes in my own thoughts that i forget its 12:38AM and i have to work at 9:30AM. and i was supposed to go to bed early tonight. and i wonder where everyone is when i need them. and i wonder if they know how sometimes i suffocate myself with my own concerns and then when i finally see rest in sight they throw themselves down to be carried. and i would carry you until i couldn't go on anymore if you asked me to. anyone. sometimes i feel like a crescendo. something that builds and builds and builds... and eventually explodes in your ear... and its so moving that its painful. but after the song's over you only hear that ringing. and i stand there in the last tone staring straight ahead not knowing what to do next. because there arent anymore lines to follow. no more spaces or notes or anymore meter. and maybe i'm rambling and maybe i make no sense... but maybe i need to. and maybe i need to scream or cry or kick or run around laughing hysterically. but maybe sometimes i need to just sit in the car and stare out the window and remember that everything passes by if you keep moving. and sometimes i need to look at the lights until my eyes burn because then i'll remember not to look so directly. and sometimes i need to sit and just listen to everything around me even though i feel like being the one who you listen to. and i need to dream and remember them and feel infinite sometimes. and i need understanding and complete, blatant rejection. at the same time from everyone. and i need clarity and certainty and love. man, i really need love. and i need to know what forever feels like so i wont be so afraid of it. and what grace is. and why i think SO MUCH. and sometimes i wonder if your voice will ever be the one to take all of these worries away like others have been. and i wonder if i'll mean anything to you in 10 years or if you'll be another tally for me. or if we'll all be just memories one day. figments that only exist in pictures and the past. and i hope not. and i hope. just in general i hope. and wish. and pray for faith again. and for love. faith IN love actually. and for sincerity. and for you and your heart because i'm afraid i might break it. or mine. or both. and i'm afraid i'll never gather up the pieces of myself to be whole again. even though sometimes i think only a sliver of a sliver is missing from me. right now i feel a hole and all of me leaks through it when i'm not careful. like right now. when i'm not being careful... just randomly "emo" and desperate. i wish you could hear me now. i wish you could be inside me now. i wish we could just live within each other and that it would be ok. or that it would be ok for me to do that with anyone. but so far no such luck. i'm sorry for littering you with all of this. i'm not unhappy. i'm just so unsure of everything i know. so we'll see where it all leads. and we'll see where you lead. and if i follow or take control or if i hide away or if you mean anything to me. or if i'll ever mean anything to you. and we'll test drive new cars and drive away to forever in them. and i'll sleep in the passenger seat and you'll know me. really KNOW me. and so i'll be beautiful then. and you'll know how i'm scared of leaving home. and how i'm scared of living life. and how i'm afraid to let myself love. and how i'm never going to love you the way i love him and he'll never love me the way she loves him and he loves her and they love life. and everyone who reads this will know thats where i went. and that you. whoever you are. or will be. came with me. and we're ok. and questioning. and i'm still scared. but at least i'm not alone.

but for tonight i'll sleep. and i'll wake up and when 9AM comes i'll get ready for work. and i'll sleep tomorrow night knowing that just the day before i dreamt of leaving all my worries behind on this page and diving into life. and not being afraid to live, or love, or believe, or question, or worry, or cry, write, scream, dance, or have faith in anything. and i'll be ok. because i know that even though i don't know myself. someone out there knows me. or will. and thinks i'm something. what i dont know. but something.